Gaseous Remedy

The doorbell rang on a Sunday afternoon finalising the week long regret of a denied Sunday afternoon nap. Elected members of our huge society trooped in noisily making my son slam his bedroom door in disgust at the invasion. ‘Gas prices have risen’ started Mrs. Complainy (this was her nickname – I forgot her real name). ‘We should stick to matters of the society and not the Indian economy’ I stifled a yawn. ‘It is a matter of the society’ supported Mr. Treasurywalla who was now the secretary but never held the post of Treasury for some reason. ‘Huh?’ Now the members had me dumbstruck.

‘Arey Baba’ Mr Treasurywalla tried to pacify me as a baby, ‘the price of domestic gas cylinder has sky rocketed and we have decided that as a society we have to make a pro-active stand.’ ‘Fast unto death? Or a relay fast by the executive committee?’ I asked. My wife quipped at the most appropriate time, ‘You make him go on fast which will also improve his health’ as she pointed at me and more specifically to my girth. That sent a crackle of laughter in the August gathering. All this time I was wondering whether we were a Housing Society or a political party.

It seemed that the committee members had already executed a lot of brain storming and some ideas were thrown off like the old well worn suggestion of car pooling. Some of us had petrol engines while others had Diesel or CNG. Since the rates of refueling these cars varied drastically, they even worked out whether one day of petrol car pooled equals 2 of Diesel or 7 of CNG. Problem was when the figures ended up with fractions and a round trip was the basic function of a car pool. Some even made the suggestion of taking out the engine and skating to work. Perhaps it was a solution made more appropriate for the Cartoon Channel than Reality TV.

Mr. Chavan who had made his crores in a sugar factory tried to explain to me. ‘Fasting is for political mileage while we are putting solutions in place.’ ‘Unless you want to stop eating how can you have a solution for Domestic Gas cylinder price rise?’ I asked. He drew a picture in words how his village was self sufficient and how they were happy and cooked on Gobar gas. ‘But that requires dung as input….’ I was stopped by Mr. Chavan with the remark that that was the main purpose of the meeting. They began what I called initially the horror plan of selling all cars and parking female buffalos instead. ‘Hmmm’ I wondered, ‘it does take care of the milk requirement as well as the dung’. They had come up with a blue print of a plan where the ‘Digestor plant would be located (in the north corner where no car could be parked) Thus, each flat owner will have a female buffalo and contribute to the common dung pile. ‘What will you do about travel?’ I was curious about those young residents who took their car even to the next building housing the shop selling bread. ‘You may not be aware my dear boy; but the buffalo is like a 3 in 1’. Looking at my lost expression he added, ‘It gives dung for our plant, Milk for us and even pulls carts. Have you not been on vacation to any of the tropical Asian countries?’ ‘He never takes us for such long vacations’ came the barb from my wife who I wondered why she was not taking her Sunday nap.

As a Secretary, I had a lot of questions which were answered by the members reminiscent of a well rehearsed Press Meet of the ministers.

Q. Where will you keep the buffalos.
A. In the car park. We all plan to sell our cars.

Q. Who will collect the dung and put in it in the digestor?
A. The housekeeping contractor.

Q. How much will the bio gas system cost.
A. Minimal as there is subsidy on it.

Q. Buffalos require to wallow in water to remain cool. How will that be achieved?
A. We have a Sewage treatment plant tanks which are built for the municipal requirement but never used. We will roster them and take them there.



Q. What will you do when the buffalo gets old and stops giving milk.
A. Non-veg members like you will benefit. (a diagram of parts of animal was shown to me and believe me, at that moment I decided to be a vegetarian)

Q. Since the Gas cylinders will now be defunct what shall we do with them?
A. Use them as furniture.



Since the members had all answers, all that was left to do was plan the sale of 200 cars and purchase of 200 milk yielding buffalos.

Variable Policy

‘Is it not self defeating if a policy is changed frequently?’ asked my commerce studying son. I tore my eyes from the news of a large Bank’s profit plummeting 99% in a year suggesting some sinister story of the previous year but no-one openly discussing it. Pausing to reflect on his words, I began as usual how a policy ensures that all members of the corporate are aware what is expected from them. ‘But here, the accounting policy is a different animal from other policy matters’ I began. Naturally I had to follow it up with what made this a different animal. ‘While other policy matters are very much under the licensed imagination of the management, the accounting policy is set not only by the accounts department of the corporate but within a framework of the premier Institute which is further influenced today by the international bodies as India as opened its borders. Accounting policies, Accounting standards, Indian and International, International Financial Reporting Standards…’ I lost my breath there, ‘are all which the poor accountant has to follow and convince the auditor he has done the right thing.’ With a raised eyebrow, my son looked at me and observed, ‘If just naming the bodies pulling you and your professional colleagues in different directions takes away your breath, I wonder what pressure it must be exerting to actually sit and debate over some point interpreted differently by such agencies.’

‘But which policy can wipe out a profit of a Bank?’ he asked in wide eyed innocence. ‘In a Bank, provision for doubtful debts is a powerful determinant of profits and what is a sick account is clearly mentioned by the Apex Bank’ my son answered his own question. ‘If we take the analogy of a Bank Loan to be that of a body of a human body and seek to determine whether the body or in case of a Bank, the loan account is sick or not, it should be as simple as using a thermometer. Do we ever change the definition of fever to be lower than 98.5°F or change it to define a man to be sick only at 101°F?’ he had cornered the entire population of policy changers.

‘If the previous year’s reporting was wrong, whose head rolls?’ he had to ask the ultimate question of casualty for which I had no answer. ‘Does anyone know the actual position of this or any other year’s profit with the mess of all policies? I think the vegetable vendor is more clear in his head on his profit of the day than the high salaried accountants in air conditioned offices’ he fired his logical salvo. ‘When you follow my footsteps in the profession of Accountancy, perhaps you can develop more stable and logical policies.’ I nearly challenged his intelligence. He looked at me as if I had said something stupid. ‘Dad, you are forgetting that no-one in our family has followed his father’s footsteps. If I have to live with such fickle policies and be held responsible for their implementation, I would rather steer clear from this profession. My friends can still call me ‘CA hoga tera Baap.’

As a logical conclusion on the issue, my son remarked, ‘Now as a policy shall we change the inflation index of my allowance to the petrol price of 1992 BASE year?’