The Revival Project

Being the 3rd or 4th stand-by speaker at seminars of my Institution was regular and I took the mere opportunity as a compliment. But when a senior IAS officer who was my school mate plonked a thick report for checking on my desk I was not quite happy seeing the title and not the fact that many others had refused to do it. Any subject hot on the headlines spells trouble as good news never hits the headlines. In 2008, when the same airline had declared its half yearly loss, I remember having a discussion with my son on its revival in a light manner. But here, this was deadly serious report I had to leaf through. ‘Why me?’ I whimpered. ‘The consultants before you were not able to finish it before they were taken seriously ill.’ My friend answered. ‘Not cardiac I hope’ I asked remembering that my family on father’s side had a history of this. Instead of feeling assured that it was not cardiac, I was more disturbed when he revealed that all had checked into hospitals for the insane. ‘This report has been developed by an expert study team set up by the aviation ministry under directions of the PMO’ he rattled mumbo jumbo of administrative communication conveying importance of my work.

After he left, I leafed though the report wondering why the sudden support for a company who messed up in its costing. Just then a phone rang and on the line was the young man who had recently started an eatery out of his father’s retirement funds and was experiencing difficulty of survival in mere 3 months. ‘Uncle, since I too am experiencing financial difficulty, can you please see if my name is also included for financial aid for revival of my business?’ That was a typical and normal reaction in a democratic country where all are considered equal – in principal.

The report ended with some direct and precise action for revival. The policy of suggestions hinted at self revival instead of the bailout. Let me share what they were:

1. FUEL: Very rightly, the highest cost element was attacked first. Since this was a volatile element also involving foreign exchange, a radical solution was suggested in view of the group’s diversified business interests. The report founded the solution on the group’s business of making alcohol for drinking. After delving into the technicalities of substitution they arrived at the conclusion that cost of manufacture before excise of the company’s whiskey was Rs. 30 per litre which could be used for fuel. The excise holiday would extend only for 2 years or until the company went into black is what this point ended with.

2. More premium service categories: The Business Class which cost a whooping 400% for just a broader seat and more food, which made you broad in the first place, was not much of an incentive as it did not achieve more than 10% occupancy as per the studied statistics. Therefore the report made a suggestion to make the incentive so exciting as to ensure the travelers would not even dream of cost benefit analysis. Some bizarre sounding suggestions confirmed there are no limits to man’s imagination. One suggestion harped upon the attractiveness of the hostesses which was an acknowledged USP (Unique selling point) of the airlines. After this disclosure, I was scared what direction the report would head. It suggested earmarking selective hostesses for the special class perhaps with a cheer leader type of uniform and call this class the ‘VEP’ class (not VIP). To allay the reader’s misgivings of a typo error, the extended form of VEP was given as ‘Visually Exciting Place’. This suggestion emphasized a normal warning that this service would be selected by males only but then since 80% of the business class were already males so there was not much damage there! This suggestion was rounded off with a costing conclusion that shorter the uniform, lesser would be the purchase cost as well as the cleaning cost.

3. Overnight Parking fee: This was another high cost item in the final accounts of the (any) airlines. Ever since the Airport authority was privatized, the prices shot up was the observation of the report insinuating privatization to be an antisocialist action. Now I was curious how this would be circumvented. First an outlandish plan of creating mere parking near Nagpur as it was the centre of India, was analysed and rubbished. What was suggested was to park these planes at existing airports and convert them into night clubs. Only added cost would be removal of a few seats for ‘comfy club seating’. Suggested entrance fee was placed at 10 times of local ones which would more than recover the parking fees. Off duty hostesses can officially moonlight as bar-tenders etc. in the club. A small alteration in uniform may appropriately remind the patrons to fly with the airlines thus achieving publicity in the process! While the patrons are ‘clubbing’ inside, the technicians can tinker outside maintenance since the plane is just parked there the whole time!

4. Food sponsored: Food was the wrongly touted as the chief cost burden instead of jet fuel for such a long time that whenever any airlines went in for cost cutting, they first decide to leave the passengers hungry. The report suggested the passengers to be fed totally free and that too without any stealing! They relied upon a popular TV serial for cookery and suggested a tie up of the airlines with them. Since the show creates so much food, let it be taken up for tasting by the passengers of the plane. A feedback form will be compulsory and you get non-partial judges giving you a ‘more realistic real T.V. show’. Of course the risk of food poisoning and other medial ailments caused by improperly cooked food or excessive spicy food were also mentioned in this suggestion with a cost saving twist that all such health issues were to be sponsored by a chain of hospitals.

As the remedial measures dropped with the quality of imagination of the study group, I suddenly developed a severe headache. Fearing to join the earlier evaluators at the asylum, I decided to just see the last suggestion. Reading that, gave me such an attack of laughter that anyone would have thought I had really flipped my lid. The last suggestion was that in case all the 170 (yes there were 170) suggestions failed then the last 171st suggestion was to ‘privatise’ the company. Obviously, the study group had copy pasted a report of some public enterprise and ‘borrowed’ a few suggestions. While the rest were after due thought and analysis, this one perhaps escaped the notice of the irony of how to privatise the already private company! The icing of the cake was the details to which the privatization was discussed was till the re-naming of the new company (what else other than) PHOENIX AIRLINES.

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Cloning Necessity

Certain words unnecessarily impart character to it without context. Just a few years ago, the word ‘cloning’ sparked a fear about mass produced humans-more of the villainous variety. Today, it is not longer a human but a small piece of plastic with a magnetic strip that we associate with fear. As I read the news (captioned) I tried to recall when I had last visited the city in question and whether I had used the card. Since the trips had occurred and I had used the card for daily necessity of stay and food, the memory evoked a nervous tension in me. As an emotional kneejerk reaction I pulled out the card and stared at it as if it would suddenly become alive and assure me that it was not cloned. Watching all my antics was my son who perhaps concluded I had lost my marbles and got worried.

‘Keep a positive attitude’ he reminded me the advice of my Doc. Instead of the intended positive line of thought, I wondered which application cloned would please you and me.

1. Of course each one of us who have felt that 24 hours of a day are not enough for our work and family life wish each had at least one clone dedicated for work and family so both sectors would be happy.

2. The monthly salary credit to the account should be cloned at least by a multiple of 6. I don’t care if that is the result of magic or some computer error, I am sure all of us would care less.

3. Sunday should be cloned from 2 to 6 times depending on what you want and the mood of your boss in that week.

4. That single exercise of the morning should be cloned 200 times to give an instant six pack.

5. The medically restricted single bottle of the beer should have the kick cloned 9 times to permit the fun while confirming the restricted ration.

6. Certain cherished moments in life should be cloned for that feeling of joy and satisfaction which never seems to repeat.

7. When money in pocket was less and only one plate Biryani did not satisfy the palate, the dish itself should be cloned.

8. That attractive assistant of the vendor should be cloned so that one clone can work in your office and the attendance of the office improves.

Gaseous Remedy

The doorbell rang on a Sunday afternoon finalising the week long regret of a denied Sunday afternoon nap. Elected members of our huge society trooped in noisily making my son slam his bedroom door in disgust at the invasion. ‘Gas prices have risen’ started Mrs. Complainy (this was her nickname – I forgot her real name). ‘We should stick to matters of the society and not the Indian economy’ I stifled a yawn. ‘It is a matter of the society’ supported Mr. Treasurywalla who was now the secretary but never held the post of Treasury for some reason. ‘Huh?’ Now the members had me dumbstruck.

‘Arey Baba’ Mr Treasurywalla tried to pacify me as a baby, ‘the price of domestic gas cylinder has sky rocketed and we have decided that as a society we have to make a pro-active stand.’ ‘Fast unto death? Or a relay fast by the executive committee?’ I asked. My wife quipped at the most appropriate time, ‘You make him go on fast which will also improve his health’ as she pointed at me and more specifically to my girth. That sent a crackle of laughter in the August gathering. All this time I was wondering whether we were a Housing Society or a political party.

It seemed that the committee members had already executed a lot of brain storming and some ideas were thrown off like the old well worn suggestion of car pooling. Some of us had petrol engines while others had Diesel or CNG. Since the rates of refueling these cars varied drastically, they even worked out whether one day of petrol car pooled equals 2 of Diesel or 7 of CNG. Problem was when the figures ended up with fractions and a round trip was the basic function of a car pool. Some even made the suggestion of taking out the engine and skating to work. Perhaps it was a solution made more appropriate for the Cartoon Channel than Reality TV.

Mr. Chavan who had made his crores in a sugar factory tried to explain to me. ‘Fasting is for political mileage while we are putting solutions in place.’ ‘Unless you want to stop eating how can you have a solution for Domestic Gas cylinder price rise?’ I asked. He drew a picture in words how his village was self sufficient and how they were happy and cooked on Gobar gas. ‘But that requires dung as input….’ I was stopped by Mr. Chavan with the remark that that was the main purpose of the meeting. They began what I called initially the horror plan of selling all cars and parking female buffalos instead. ‘Hmmm’ I wondered, ‘it does take care of the milk requirement as well as the dung’. They had come up with a blue print of a plan where the ‘Digestor plant would be located (in the north corner where no car could be parked) Thus, each flat owner will have a female buffalo and contribute to the common dung pile. ‘What will you do about travel?’ I was curious about those young residents who took their car even to the next building housing the shop selling bread. ‘You may not be aware my dear boy; but the buffalo is like a 3 in 1’. Looking at my lost expression he added, ‘It gives dung for our plant, Milk for us and even pulls carts. Have you not been on vacation to any of the tropical Asian countries?’ ‘He never takes us for such long vacations’ came the barb from my wife who I wondered why she was not taking her Sunday nap.

As a Secretary, I had a lot of questions which were answered by the members reminiscent of a well rehearsed Press Meet of the ministers.

Q. Where will you keep the buffalos.
A. In the car park. We all plan to sell our cars.

Q. Who will collect the dung and put in it in the digestor?
A. The housekeeping contractor.

Q. How much will the bio gas system cost.
A. Minimal as there is subsidy on it.

Q. Buffalos require to wallow in water to remain cool. How will that be achieved?
A. We have a Sewage treatment plant tanks which are built for the municipal requirement but never used. We will roster them and take them there.



Q. What will you do when the buffalo gets old and stops giving milk.
A. Non-veg members like you will benefit. (a diagram of parts of animal was shown to me and believe me, at that moment I decided to be a vegetarian)

Q. Since the Gas cylinders will now be defunct what shall we do with them?
A. Use them as furniture.



Since the members had all answers, all that was left to do was plan the sale of 200 cars and purchase of 200 milk yielding buffalos.

Variable Policy

‘Is it not self defeating if a policy is changed frequently?’ asked my commerce studying son. I tore my eyes from the news of a large Bank’s profit plummeting 99% in a year suggesting some sinister story of the previous year but no-one openly discussing it. Pausing to reflect on his words, I began as usual how a policy ensures that all members of the corporate are aware what is expected from them. ‘But here, the accounting policy is a different animal from other policy matters’ I began. Naturally I had to follow it up with what made this a different animal. ‘While other policy matters are very much under the licensed imagination of the management, the accounting policy is set not only by the accounts department of the corporate but within a framework of the premier Institute which is further influenced today by the international bodies as India as opened its borders. Accounting policies, Accounting standards, Indian and International, International Financial Reporting Standards…’ I lost my breath there, ‘are all which the poor accountant has to follow and convince the auditor he has done the right thing.’ With a raised eyebrow, my son looked at me and observed, ‘If just naming the bodies pulling you and your professional colleagues in different directions takes away your breath, I wonder what pressure it must be exerting to actually sit and debate over some point interpreted differently by such agencies.’

‘But which policy can wipe out a profit of a Bank?’ he asked in wide eyed innocence. ‘In a Bank, provision for doubtful debts is a powerful determinant of profits and what is a sick account is clearly mentioned by the Apex Bank’ my son answered his own question. ‘If we take the analogy of a Bank Loan to be that of a body of a human body and seek to determine whether the body or in case of a Bank, the loan account is sick or not, it should be as simple as using a thermometer. Do we ever change the definition of fever to be lower than 98.5°F or change it to define a man to be sick only at 101°F?’ he had cornered the entire population of policy changers.

‘If the previous year’s reporting was wrong, whose head rolls?’ he had to ask the ultimate question of casualty for which I had no answer. ‘Does anyone know the actual position of this or any other year’s profit with the mess of all policies? I think the vegetable vendor is more clear in his head on his profit of the day than the high salaried accountants in air conditioned offices’ he fired his logical salvo. ‘When you follow my footsteps in the profession of Accountancy, perhaps you can develop more stable and logical policies.’ I nearly challenged his intelligence. He looked at me as if I had said something stupid. ‘Dad, you are forgetting that no-one in our family has followed his father’s footsteps. If I have to live with such fickle policies and be held responsible for their implementation, I would rather steer clear from this profession. My friends can still call me ‘CA hoga tera Baap.’

As a logical conclusion on the issue, my son remarked, ‘Now as a policy shall we change the inflation index of my allowance to the petrol price of 1992 BASE year?’

Identified by name

It was determined by popular consent that the year 2010 was the year of scams for India. As 2011 dawned, the innocent amongst us looked forward to a year without scams. In the first month itself we were hit with the news of the regulators issuing a caution notice on a group of companies who had already taken funds from the public. As I searched for the last report on my portfolio of investments, my son was reading the news and he reacted.

‘How silly and trusting can people be when they know the company is a scamster’ he fired his first salvo. ‘How can one predict a company to be a scamster unless one is an expert fortune teller and now that Paul the Otopus of Germany (who predicted World Cup football results with accuracy) is dead, I doubt if his replacement is yet found. I mocked him.

‘There is a correlation between the name and the promise of the company being a future scamster’ he threw his punch line. That froze me until I creaked open the doors of memory on the little used subject of statistics as I tried to understand the definition and aspects of correlation. After activating sufficient of my memory on the subject, I readied myself to counter him. ‘How can a name correlate with future action? Don’t you know Shakespeare’s line of Whats in a name? A rose would smell just as sweet.’ ‘But there is statistical proof of negative correlation’ he argued. I was aghast. ‘You mean if the name is positive, the character is negative? At this rate, all companies will be scamsters because who would himself call his own company something denoting bad?’

‘Nothing like that’ he explained, ‘the more effort to denote a honesty or dependability in a single name of the company, the more likely it is to start a scam.’ I pondered and started ticking off some recent names like Satyam (the truth) Sahara (the Dependable) …. Wow he had hit a point there. Now I started real frantic search for my portfolio not to see its value but to scan their names and their meaning. Now, all the astrologers of a particular branch who ask to put an extra character in the name especially of Bollywood industry members will have one more sector for their increased business – Corporate Naming. Perhaps you can expect them to be dressed in Dhoti and some apparels to denote holiness while soliciting applicants outside the Registrar of companies to help the helpless souls to name correctly their yet to be born companies to hide any aspects of future scams which may be foreseen by persons such as my son and me.

DIN of Numbers

‘One more number!’ wailed most of my clients as they reacted to the news of DIN number required by the Income Tax Office. ‘I already have a DIN number’, said one client who was a Director obviously referring to the ‘Directors Identification Number’ required under the Companies Act. Since all were either agitated with the extra number or confused whether the DIN number under other Acts can be the same for Income Tax, and since it was one hell of a DIN, I decided to visit the Income Tax Public relations office.

When my turn came after a long wait, I too started wailing like my clients, ‘We are still coming to grips with the PAN (Permanent Account Number) now needed for various transactions. In fact one of my client did not permit his son to get married (arranged marriage) until the girl had a valid PAN number. I not yet sure whether this is a requirement of the Registrar of Marriages or whether it was part of his strategy of Income Tax maneuvering! After this, we had a drill of child birth where the parent first took a birth certificate and before even going home to show anyone, the parent applied for a PAN number for the child. Only then does he rest and celebrate the birth of his offspring.

‘Roll number in school and college which changed every year was a mess itself for us’ I complained to the PRO. ‘Situations got out of hand when sometimes the professors went on strike after exams and we were promoted to the upper class, the later declared results were under our old roll number. Many joyous whoops at the notice board were replaced by sobs later. ‘Now what will happen if we receive refund under our PAN Number and immediately a demand notice due to scrutiny under DIN number?’ I asked this point blank. The PRO laughed and said, ‘You had this situation under PAN number itself and no extra DIN number is required to make such an anomaly’. ‘I guess not’ I admitted knowing that now things might get even complex.

‘Could you not have managed just with PAN number?’ I asked meekly. ‘Higher ups’ he replied pointing to the ceiling as if Delhi was on the upper floor. ‘We hired consultants like you and one of their suggestions was a number to locate your file fast.’ He tried to give me an inside story. So I gave him one of mine, ‘It is an open secret that given the right incentive, your peons can find files faster than the SEARCH option in windows!’ ‘Could you not just manage with the PAN number?’ I had to ask. His reply was well tutored reflecting a special seminar held for the IT PROs. ‘PAN number is also used for many other purposes as well as known to all. DIN Number is for internal consumption. So, one is external while the other is internal’ pat came the well rehearsed reply.

‘We are also expecting a citizen card and thus another number over there also’ I complained. ‘That is by the Home Ministry and not the Finance Department’ he shoved a bureaucratic reply up my nose. I then quoted a Sholay dialogue, ‘How many numbers, and ONE man? Not fair.’ ‘I also have membership number of the Institute, Flat Number, Address Pin code number, cell phone which is now in 10 digits….’ I just could not stop counting.

The PRO then said, ‘Why don’t you take a week to digest this reality and come next week on the 29th.’ Wow he calculated exact 7 days is what I wondered and on that evening closing time of office I realized that it was the day my wife annually celebrated her birthday. With all the numbers jostling for space in my head, I plump forgot her birthday which is a heinous crime for any husband to commit.

Convict of use

‘ When commercial BPO employees were found to have perpetuated fraud in the past despite the best security measures, what will be expectation of a BPO run from a Jail?’ asked my son reading the day’s news. I too could not avoid smiling at the irony of the practices of KYE (Know your employee) where other companies made sure their employees did not have criminal records. When the BPO was run by a jail, the qualification to be an employee itself would be to be in jail. How then will they twist the standards of KYE?

The administration issues of such an operation will be quite different from that of known enterprises. What the Jail Administration will have to face is ‘oversupply’ of labour as all Indian jails are known to be overcrowded. Next, the computers will require appropriate clean air conditioned environment. To have a floor without rats and cockroaches running is a luxury for the inmates and since the computer area will be perhaps not only be clean but also carpeted, it will seem like fantasy for most and they will definitely jostle to be appointed to be working there. Since the computer programmers as well as BPO employees are known to have casual dress as the norm, I am sure Mr. Raju will recommend that and the operators will climb out of their uniforms to something more casual!

Those with insomnia due to rats running over them in their sleep can find haven doing the night shift. The cost of dropping home, the BPO staffers will be saved, as the operators will just have to ‘stroll’ over to their work zone that too, under heavy security.

If the ‘experiment’ is a success (and there is no reason why it should not) perhaps all Jail PBOs will do more business than commercial ones. Soon, even the Police will have less work as persons committing a crime no matter how petty, will walk in the nearest police station to confess. It would later transpire that the crime is just an excuse to get into jail to do some BPO work instead of remaining unemployed outside. Very soon, the police stations will be dubbed as BPO Employment centres.

Very soon, the graduation class will have atleast one orientation day for the students to learn how to commit a crime sufficient enough to gain entry into jail an act which should be supported by some bumbling lawyer.

All this should logically make the tax burden higher but in the long run, these jails will make so much money that our taxes will be lowered.

When one BPO exercise tastes success, the Jail authorities will think of a way to employ better, the blue collared criminals. Since the BPO has a Bank as the first customer (see news) a Bank will also be the first customer for the blue collared inmates – to collect overdues. It is naturally more effective when a known criminal gang calls up a defaulting borrower who will sweat just hearing the name and knowing rest of the gang members are still outside the jail.

Consultancy firms will have a field day advising various jails of which best commercial service model they should use. I am sure they will develop more than blue and white collared category and we shall see reference to purple collared too as a reference to with their hand in the till. Here is where my musing stops with the picture of guilty persons of Common Wealth Games. When the dirty dozen are jailed, what commercial activities are they suitable for? Jail Olympics? If so, then surely the high jump will not feature there because during practice, inmates will surely jump over the wall of the jail itself.