What the S__t?

When people label you as a consultant, people do not look at your specialisation or even the Name Board outside your small office. They saunter in to consult on anything except medical consultancy – thank goodness for that. That is why I was not initially surprised when a man came in with his small team to crowd my small cabin. He introduced himself as a ‘Shark’ which meant he was an opportunist investor. He explained he was buying lease of planes of airlines which had recently gone bust. “If you have come to me to help you decide whether to invest in airlines, I would advice you free that you should not” was my welcome statement.“I have hit upon an idea to beat Wizz Air” he was enthusiastic. As I was not specialised in the aviation  industry I scanned on my computer under the table as I murmured ‘Hmmm’ to him as if listening. ‘Undertable’ for a consultant also means this is perhaps new to others outside the consulting industry.

 

When I read a few lines of this Hungarian ultra low cost airlines,  I

physically jumped in my seat as if a mouse ran under my chair. It was time to tell the truth and not bullshit one’s way into an assignment I thought. “This is revolutionary” I muttered sounding intelligent and knowing everything.  

“Do you know why we came to you and not other big consultants” asked the Investor. I could rattle off numerous challenging assignments but obviously he knew something I would not list. “You are the only one who valued the Sewage treatment plant design and working prototype for a young professor of a well known engineering college. No one has done that before or even after you did, till date.”  Sewage was my smelly connection? I wondered. Mr. Investor then laid bare that he wanted to edge out competition by being first in the market to use this fuel and plough back profits to buy out other airlines by acquisition. How to stay ahead was the million dollar (literally) question.

Now the consultant in me started mentally flipping in my the pages of textbook of college days. “First entrant in the market of India is already planned by you. What you need is strategy to stay ahead making you preferred airline.” I started rattling. “You can offer corporate clients something they cannot get from others. As your carbon footprint will be low you can start offering Green Credits transfers. You will be hitting two birds with one stone. The corporate will make you their priority airline and credit of miles which hitherto went to the individual employee traveler will only go to the company in terms of Green Credits. The saving of free miles of travel offered to the individual traveler will add to the profit.” Mr. Investor was as impressed as you are, reading this.

What about the individual traveler was the next expected question. “They too should get credits but in terms of small discount on next booking”. “That is an age old tactic” he yawned. “I have not finished yet” I spoke in suspense. “How the individuals will get credit is the key of marketing no-one will think of for month or even a year after you implement. After that, you have enough money to invest vertical to buy out Sewage treatment plants to have monopoly on this fuel”

 

I laid out the plan to him. “Your toilets in the planes will need one small electronic gadget to measure the solid output of the passengers. Passenger identification by scan of boarding card and weighing the subject matter (POO)  is a matter of engineering and electronics. The Poometer will display in ounces the donation made by the passenger to your airline which you recycle in your small plant. Discount can be done per 10 ounces of poo. The passenger will be notified ounces, discount of that specific flight and total discount earned so far. The actual discount rate is something your accountants can suggest or you can assign me another project to do that” I ensured repeat customer.

“How can we ensure a higher shitload per passenger?” he coined a new ratio of shit per passenger like we use cost per passenger per mile. “Make changes in your food tray by menu high fibre food” I gave the obvious solution noting undertable (again) the number of questions I answered as my bill will be as per number of questions answered. I learnt this from a Lawyer friend of mine. “But what about the short hauls where trays are hardly served when the plane descends. No digestion for poo”. I admited he had a genuine concern as Mumbai-Pune and even Mumbai-Goa flights will not result in any poo. Then I remembered the free lounges at the airport. “You feed them the fiber rich food minimum 45 minutes (time taken for digestion) before the flight. The passengers anyway report two hours early. You can tie up with the lounges to serve them only this diet on display of your boarding card and you have your paxpoo.” (passenger is referred to as PAX in the industry)

“What should I name my airlines so that general public will associate my airline with the new fuel and I do not have to explain by costly advertisement?” was his last question. I coined for him a decent name which in abbreviation gave the meaning he needed. You can conclude if my suggestion is good, based on the suggested poster.