Die Another Day

“ I have decided to be a Banker” my son suddenly exploded as I was reading the news of recession and Bank bailouts. I was aghast to conclude that at his age he was not reading even the headlines and choosing an industry which was retrenching people. He justified himself saying, “Even the hospitality industry, airlines, textiles … all are in the process of retrenchment. The recession will be over someday & we shall see corpses of companies of various industries lying about but no Banks.” I looked at the newspaper again and realized, ‘Are you are referring to the Government support that one Bank has received?’ ‘Naturally’ he replied, ‘which other industry has received it so far? Even the textile industry which has thousands of workers who will starve without work will have to leave all in the name of recession. Banks seem to be the favorite children of all Governments’.

‘I am amazed at the calculations the geniuses may have made to determine the amount required to keep the Bank afloat without even knowing which of the borrowers will file application under Chapter 11 in the near future due to the recession affecting the loan portfolio of the Bank’ my son said excitedly, as he was just learning statistical techniques and perhaps the precise chapter on probability. ‘I hate to disappoint you son’ I had to bare the facts, ‘I do not think any sophisticated models of forecasting were used. Most probably, the last recorded position; say end of quarter or month was most likely used for calculation for the GASP’. For a change, instead of my son, I decided to coin a new term of Get Above Sinking Point.

Frowning in puzzlement he asked, ‘do you mean to say that no-one has calculated the domino effect the recession will have on the business of the borrowers of the Bank leading to further losses?’ I smiled and pointed to the headline, “…Bank Lives another day”. His quip was fast. ‘Since no economist or finance pandit has forecasted the recession to be less than 2 years, borrowers of the Bank folding up is imminent and thus the demise of the Bank. The headline would have been more appropriate if it was DIE ANOTHER DAY’. I couldn’t agree more.

‘In school we were taught that unless we were rapped on our knuckles we would never learn to avoid the same mistake’ was the innocent remark of my son. ‘Will the Bank’s management recognize its mistakes and avoid them in the future?’ I could not answer this question. ‘Perhaps the main reason is to protect the poor innocent depositors’ I blurted a propaganda statement. ‘Sure’he said, ‘remember the time we walked in to open our accounts and we were turned down on the grounds that our average balance was to be 10 lacs and above. These poor depositors could have been hurt real bad even at an average level’.

‘There are people working in the Banks but persons more than those employed are affected’ I lectured. ‘Oh yes’ he said brightly, ‘The Indian CEO who studied his basics in India and post qualification in the States would have to change his lifestyle. His absence at the golf course would affect the caddy & the club income. Then his entertainment would go down affecting the income of various 5 star restaurants & their waiters due to the lack of tips.’ Now I joined in, ‘apart from employment, the general attitude of major company CEOs would change as they would then have to talk of currency swaps in antiseptic aluminum framed cabins of Indian Bank Manager instead of gargling a negotiation over champagne.’

I began to muse, why I should also not join such Banks where one need not have to pay the price for our mistakes while in Indian counterparts we pay for other people’s mistakes. Besides, I have yet to gargle in champagne.

Pow in the Pav

“Dad, did you have Vada Pav when you were young?” asked my son one morning. Reminiscing my school days, I recalled that ragda patties and sandwiches was all that the canteen sold. My college was so small that a solitary canteen was shared with 2 others and being in the morning college, one never had time even for tea. But Vada Pav? I never heard about it till the mills shut down in Mumbai after which the out-of-job mill workers set up such stalls with wheels to retail the vadas vada mash prepared by their wives at home and fried hot in the street. But now, realizing that the innocuous question was merely to ask for a raise in allowance I graciously reached for my wallet saying, ‘It is all right to eat a pizza once a while’. Shaking his head he actually refused the raise (lucky me?)saying that he never visited the canteen anyway in interest of hygiene so the allowance was more than sufficient. What he was referring was to the Vada Pav as a political strategy of the Marathi Manoos.

The tube light in my head flickered to its brightness as I realized that the local political party which began in the early sixties on the platform of protecting the Marathi Manoos often had its thunder stolen by its break-away fraction. But this time a non-political party stole its thunder. I voiced my remark, ‘Must be very un-nerving for the party to gets its thunder/roar stolen so often today’. ‘Like any other corporate strategy what should the party do for a turnaround?’ son now needled the strategist in me.

“We all know that the best route to a man’s heart is through his stomach whether it is food itself or earning for the food (bhoomiputra reservation).” I began the foundation of my thought process as my son sat cross-legged on the carpet knowing his old man’s rambling would last a long time. “Concentrating on the digestive area” I sounded more like a medical professor, “one has to develop a two pronged approach. Since each Vada Pav has hot chutney containing chillies, perhaps different versions of end products known by the source of chillies should be developed to add variety like Kolhapuri, Solapuri, Puneri etc. Vada Pav.” My son perked up, “To add variety to the monotonous fare”. “Yes” I continued, “including one extreme variety which guarantees to clean out the stomach by the next morning. This can perhaps be marketed even by the Chemists under the name of ‘SC Vada Pav’ – no connection to Scheduled Caste but to stand for Stomach Clearance.” Laughing, my son countered “But Dad, most Vada Pavs would qualify for that name as they already evoke the same reaction.”

Ignoring this remark, I continued, “The Marathi Manoos party has to set up Vada Pav centres at a distance not exceeding 10 meters from each other so that any hungry person will not even think of going far to the nearest Mc Donald or Udipis since they are run by persons originating from outside the state. The cost of establishment will be low as all the stalls will be licensed encroachments on the pavements for pedestrians whose interest anyway has no weight with the authorities. Just imagine Fountain area and Nariman Point lined with Vada Pav Centres. I can envisage the tourists clicking away as this would have no parallel in the world.” My son summarized, “The advertisement on each stall will ensure the party a win in every election and this would be revenue generative. As you mentioned that each international city has a distinctive smell, this is perhaps just what Mumbai needs – a distinctive smell of Vada being fried”.

“Do not forget the employment generation here” I pointed out proudly. “Yes” admitted my son, “even the doctors, whether General Practitioners or Specialists will find more patients lining up.” This froze me, leaving me totally flustered. He pacified me explaining, “Excessive acidity would be addressed by the General Practitioner, while the serious cases of Stomach lining erosion due to the chillies would be taken care by a specialist like may be an Oncologist.” I was open mouthed as he continued, “The vada induced cholesterol will generate increased business for the Cardiologists and Cardiac Surgeons. Even the use of surgical consumables will rise leading to all round employment increase in business and employment of companies manufacturing stents, Heart lung machines, their tubings, post surgery medicine …” he rambled on an on and got more excited as he concluded, “WE HAVE DISCOVERED THE ONLY WAY OUT OFF THE CURRENT RECESSION – SET UP VADA PAV STALLS.” I couldn’t agree more. Are the G-20 members and World Bank listening?

Hoof friendly SRA

I thought it was a routine visit to my old office to meet the new owner and now my new friend the architect. I was glad to note that instead of the usual calm,there as hustle and bustle. Books were opened one after the other, teams were pouring over them, photos of houses were being downloaded from the net each time with the exclamation akin to discovery of the century. Meanwhile, my friend sat in his glass cabin glassy eyed barely recognizing me. I feared for some personal loss in his family. However, he brushed the air with his hand as if he brushed aside my fears and stated,‘Matter of joy that we have won a coveted tender of the Government. I was confused. ‘But you had mentioned that your work will always be design-based and not motivated by profit so what gives?’ He replied, ‘I have not changed my policy. This project demands design innovation & the tender was a mere formality.’ ‘You should have called me before you submitted the tender’ I scolded him reminding him that my costing experience would have helped him as I was pretty sure he must have blundered on the estimates.

Now realizing that I was not pushed into some free consultancy, I calmed down to the extent of being joyful. Slowly I asked him to divulge in utmost confidence if the structure was to be a landmark like the Gateway or some Crystal glass dome. Wide eyed, he replied, ‘In an oblique sort of way. The only problem is that no-one in the world has ever done this before and the time we have to design is so short that we are hunting the world over for an inspiration.’ ‘Cut the suspense and tell me’ I demanded. He shoved a week old paper under my nose and it showed the predicament of slum rehabilitation of an area where existed stables of buffaloes. As the set rule (of Slum Rehabilitation Authority-SRA) demanded flats for the residents, the law consequently had not specified them to be humans hence the predicament. The resident stable owner insisted on implementation of law and since area had to be developed…. ‘You are actually designing flats for buffaloes?’ I was rolling in laughter. After I finished laughing, he told me in a dead pan face, ‘Now the Government is wiser. Some of the plots may have other animals so a ‘generic’ design is needed for flats which are ‘hoof-friendly.’ I was still surprised. Now that we no longer have horses in the city, how many types of hooves can there be? I am aware of an area called Sarkari Tabela (Government stable) in Thakurdwar which is an old part of Mumbai where instead of horses, people are staying. ‘Exactly’ emphasized my friend, ‘Where horses stayed earlier, now people do; so why not the opposite?’

‘Amuse me’ I told him. ‘The approach is scientific’ he started. ‘As buffaloes and other 4 legged creatures are larger, the entrance lobby will have to be 4 times the regular. The lobby will have water troughs to quench them after they come from the day’s work.’ ‘What days work?’ I demanded; ‘You expect them to go to an office?’“Not to office silly” he admonished me. ‘Buffaloes will have to go to a ‘milking centre’. The club house of the society of humans will be converted as milking centres for the society of Buffaloes. Just as a common gym serves lots of buildings in the society, the milking centre will serve all the buffaloes of that society. They will be milked by modern machines’. I understood. ‘Just like the builders advertise modern equipment in their Gyms, you will keep modern milking equipment.’ ‘He replied,‘Yes and it will be totally air-conditioned’. ‘How will you manage about residential area?’ I asked.

‘We are yet finalizing that but I will tell you what we are moving towards’. He detailed, ‘Instead of a staircase, we shall have artificial circular pathways winding up a low incline lined with artificial bushes to mimic a hill which the buffaloes are used to. The area within the circular pathway shall be the ‘Dung deposit’ area where the buffaloes shall do their nature call. From any floor, it will fall to the ground with gravity. Here is where our eco-friendly design starts. No pump is necessary. All the buffaloes have to do, is face their rear over the banister and SPLAT…. gravity takes it to the ground.’ I shuddered as if I was on the ground floor and the buffalo on the 7th floor sent her smelly matter to splat on my head. ‘The ground itself will be sloping’; he continued, ‘to feed a biogas unit in each building. This will provide heat in winter and turn the fans in summer. Channel music which is proved by research to give better yield of milk will be similarly powered.’

‘But you forgot the building regulation of elevators for buildings having more than 4floors’ I nitpicked. He smiled calmly and said, ‘Regular sized elevators are insufficient for even a single buffalo. So we shall put a car elevator where at least 3 buffalos can be carefully transported. Buffalo friendly elevators will have door against which the buffaloes will have to push their horns and the elevator will be called to their floor.’ ‘What will be flat layout?’ I asked. ‘Bare external walls’ he replied. We do not expect any buffalo to demand separate living room and bedroom. There will be a tube through with hay and their food will be fed from the terrace and this too will flow due to gravity.’ ‘The main question is how will the flats be allotted? Do buffaloes have names?’ I asked. ‘That is one question I can answer’ he said. ‘Each flat will bear a number the same as the ear tag placed by the Insurance Company. This is one work already solved for us by the insurance companies.’

I acknowledged, ‘Your plans so far seem to be ‘hoof-friendly’ but what if the SRA is for a poultry farm? Will your plan be claw-friendly?’