E-error

‘What is the use of making you file my return when I have to see such outrageous demands !’ screamed an exasperated client in our Chartered Accountant’s office. ‘I imagine you must have made some junior calculate my tax and you signed without looking’ he continued. I signaled for water and held out my hand to receive the paper he was waving like an enemy flag. It was an ordinary demand notice which normally sets off the panic button of the clients but routine for us. But looking at the newly designed computer print instead of scribbled handwriting on a printed sheet, even I jumped to my feet as I read the demanded figure. ‘See?’ said the client sipping the cold water. Now I gulped down a glass. ‘Must be computer error’ I mumbled. ‘The tax calculated by them works out in 14 digits my dear man’ scolded my client. ‘But your 3 year turnover also does not add up to the tax amount itself’ I countered.

The Income tax matter was just the tip of the iceberg. The office where the return was filed said that this was sent Centrally. It was at the other end of the city and I spend half a day to reach there. They in turn said that they merely housed the computers and printers. In case of any error discussion I must go to their Computer Planning and Implementation cell which again was in a third area far away. ‘How can such a preposterous error occur here” I asked the PR at the computer cell when I finally reached the place. ‘With 14 decimal point accuracy of the chip, one does not expect this’ I continued. Now, the hitherto crestfallen face brightened up as if he had found the answer. ‘See, the demand also is in 14 digits. The computer is doing its technical duty well.’ After meeting half a dozen of their staff we concluded a programming error but I could not talk to the programmer cause it was contracted out and the programmer was sitting in his private office and not the premises of Income tax. I believe that is what they call ‘outsourcing’.

Just then my cell phone rang and my office staff was screaming for my help as if riots had broken in my office. ‘Lost of people here including your wife!’ whispered our receptionist. My wife was seated inside perhaps as a demand of her conjugal right. ‘After all these years of marriage I see this?’ she too waved a paper in front of me. ‘If it is an Income Tax notice do not worry , something wrong with the computers’ I said easing myself in my chair. But the paper she flung was not from Income Tax but a well known pathologist. As I picked it up she made her dramatic announcement ‘You are pregnant’. I started sweating trying to remember which seminar I had attended when I must have strayed …. but wait a minute, I was a male and males do not get pregnant. This report was part of my annual checkup. I called up the Doctor and he said it was a computer error. Perhaps the data of patient before me was mixed up with mine. I swore never to go to any annual check up and die early perhaps but atleast without such a scandal.

As my wife left, my outside office started sending the mob members one by one. This one looked like a Government official. ‘Please ask your Doctor to be careful in filing certificates since we have yet to received one from him’ he said. I laughed, ‘you want a certificate from him that I am pregnant?’ He made an apology of a giggle and dropped his bomb, ‘No – that you have died seven days ago.’ No sound came from my open mouth so he introduced himself and the issue. ‘I am from the registrar of Births and Deaths. Our computerized system threw up your name as one which was not supported by a Doctor’s certificate’. ‘But..’ I countered, ‘you are here talking to me.’ ‘Computers cannot be wrong’ is one of the statements you wrote in a press article in the 90’s when you were alive’ he started talking to me in the past tense now. ‘How can I be dead when alive?’ I mused loudly. Then it hit me. Somehow the flag against some names in the computer database must have been activated to ‘dead’ due to some error. ‘Check when you have last re-indexed your database’ I recommended him to come back after this exercise was done.

Before the next person came in, my landline jingled. My Banker was on the phone and was asking if I wanted to covert the huge balance in my savings account to a time deposit. ‘Huge Balance?’ I was puzzled as I monitored my balances well because there was so little to monitor. ‘You have 2 deposits of 50 lacs over the past 4 days’ he replied icily. One crore in my account? I had half a mind to withdraw it all before they realized they had erroneously deposited here and rectified their mistake. As if reading my mind, the Banker continued, ‘We have studied it and noted it is no error on our part. It is an ECS (Electronic Clearing System) deposit from your Life Insurance company.’ ‘Huh?’ My policies were due to mature for next 20 years. I picked up the other phone to dial my insurance agent while I put the Banker on hold. My agent clicked some keys on his computer and came up with the winning answer. ‘Since our computers have registered you dead, we have paid the policy amount to your wife. Perhaps the account is jointly operated by you.’ ‘But on what basis have you arrived at the conclusion that I am dead?’ I asked. ‘Since last month, we are linked to the computer of Register of Births and Deaths to obviate any bogus death certificates and in interest of customer service; we do not wait for claims.’
Now I appreciate the phrase of silver lining to clouds. My silver lining was cool one crore in the account. Only problem now that I was dead, I would not be able to sign any cheques to use the money once the Banker came to know my status. Just my luck. The silver lining was just a sliver.