Delay

“How can anyone be sued for delay in launch of a product?’ asked my son referring to news of an Indian vehicle manufacturer being sued in US for a long delay in launch of his vehicle. I agreed that his previous model launch was delayed by 3 years and yet no one sued him even though many vendors went bankrupt for having changed their manufacturing set up but starved due to lack of orders due to project delay. ‘I guess US guys have less patience than Indians’ I answered him. ‘Is it the karma theory?’ he asked in real earnest but knocking me off my seat as usual. ‘Karma?’ I asked in puzzlement. ‘Since Indians believe in re-birth, small delays of a year is nothing in perspective of a dozen life times so we do not get irritated’ He explained.

This argument made me muse on our high tolerance. Bridges, roads, dams all infrastructure projects in India had delays by the rule, shooting up cost multifold making a mockery of the tender and budgetary process of the project. ‘There is more than 2 year delay on the mono-rail near our house so should I sue them for not being available during my academic days when I required the most?’ asked my son interrupting my muse on the issue. ‘Ask your lawyer Uncle’ I passed the buck to my lawyer friend who I knew for certain would get a call from my son on the very same day without delay.

Just then my society secretary came in to ask me to sign a cheque as a treasurer. ‘Why the penalty for the municipal corporation?’ I asked hoping to write a logical narration on the voucher. ‘Since we did not clean the tree trimmings from the road in an hour we are fined.’ He explained. ‘But that was only a branch and we cleared it in 80 minutes after our housekeeping staff reported.’ I countered. He shrugged indicating failure of his earnest attempts. As I signed the cheque, I remembered that the previous year, the trimming was done by the corporation and half the road was blocked for 4 days before they themselves cleaned it. I guess the aspect of delay does not matter but WHO does the delay is critical.

Who is not an artist?

Every country had a reputation for its citizens. Germans were known for their engineering prowess. Swiss for their timekeeping machines. Even later, Japan joined with their expertise in Cameras and Cars. An ancient country like India had no such positive quality associated with its citizens. UNTIL NOW.

A curious case of Income Tax which would have otherwise be read only by Income Tax practitioners as their duty to update their knowledge is likely to turn India into a LAND OF ARTISTS (legally recognized). Income earned abroad by Indian Residents would not be taxed if they were artists. Perhaps the origin of this section would be the honorable intention to expose Indian culture abroad via various artists of music and dance. Bollywood artists were the first ones to exploit this section by doing shows abroad and bringing in truckloads of tax free income.

When the decision of the court acknowledging a fashion designer to be an artist hit the newspapers, my phone did not stop ringing. Every person from any profession was seeking my opinion on how to project themselves as artists. All they wanted was to skip to the nearest country and bring back tax free income. I took all the calls for about 4 hours and then set down to jot the strategy of ‘artistry in each and every profession.’

Just then a Banker called demanding strategy for the same. I laughed, ‘Borrow at a certain rate and lend at a higher rate is the strategy of any Banker. How does that make you an artist?’ He said he would send me the title of their text books all of this somehow read similarly as THE ART AND SCIENCE OF BANKING.’ Now I guess there is art in everything we do!

Cheque your Spelling

How an honest intention can mess up your life can be easily seen from any organisation that has bureaucracy a mile long. The first call I received was from an account of my client inquiring what new account head to be opened in case of charges by the Bank for return of cheques. ‘Silly man, don’t you have Bank Charges account?’ I sometimes wondered if lack of intelligence was the qualification my clients searched for their administrative personnel. But he hit me with a circular that proved perhaps lack of my own vigilance. ‘So what if this is a new reason, keep the same account’ I answered a bit irritably. ‘But sir, almost alternate of our cheques are corrected with the due signature and boss says that in future, such should be recovered from the staff so I thought that it would be better to opened Cheque error account per employee in charge of writing cheques.’ I did my mental maths of his 5 to 8 such clerks and found logic in his plan. ‘But sir, I have a problem’ he continued and I groaned. ‘We have to now make a procedure to note who has written which cheque cause the cheques may be presented after a few days when they may be so rejected.’ Now that was one planner thinking ahead.

‘Instead of this round about, why doesn’t the person signing ensure the cheque is error free?’ I came up with what I thought was a winning answer stark in its simplicity. He gave such an answer that proved I was not having good memory. ‘But sir, you are aware that boss makes his trips for the company and he pre-signs the cheques before he goes and approves the bills via email’.

The federation of Industry and commerce were the next who invited me on the same issue. They handed me a 300 page survey done by a psychologist hired by them. ‘Summarise’ I barked. The secretary of the federation stammered, ‘The results showed that after warning the writers of the cheques of the consequence of even one error, the subjects started making 4 errors on every cheque compared to one in hundred previously.’ I nodded reminding him that it was like asking a person to think of any colour except the colour red. Only the banned will flash in his mind. ‘Human nature’ I answered asking them to accept humans as they were unless they were Gods.

On my way out, I got a call on my cell phone from my software friends who wanted a strategy meeting. What I had to do with their strategy I wondered. They said, ‘since the federation survey showed errors in cheques, they were coding stand alone as well as linked to accounts cheque writing modules for sale at prices that even the grocer can afford. Was this is a good idea is what they wanted me to tell. I agreed to send them a report of my evaluation provided they paid my fees by direct Bank transfer.

Excuse of a Party

‘I did not know that excuses we made in school to avoid strenuous exercises during physical training would also be useful later after we grew up’ said my son in genuine bewilderment. Peering from my newspaper mentioning comments of the Indian captain for his loss in the match I joined in his amused conclusion. ‘At least our excuses sounded prima facie genuine’ he complained perhaps projecting himself and his generation as experts in excuse creation. ‘You found the logic of late parties telling on the body strength as unconvincing?’ I asked in amazement. ‘When you are part of IPL and Party is your middle name, how can you blame parties?’ I nodded; understanding that the sponsors would like the players to meet their influentials like bottlers and other influential people to promote their business in return for the bushels of notes they pour in the sponsorship. ‘No.. no..’ my son shook his head in disagreement. ‘Party is their middle name isn’t it?’ As usual he confused me, so he elaborated. ‘Doesn’t everyone know IPL stands for Incessant Party Lover?”

That ignited my muse of the mind on excuses that people make to explain their failure which is not convincing prima facie.

Excuse for losing chess game – ‘I was playing with the wrong colour of pieces’.

Excuse for a jockey to lose a race – ‘The shoe was lose; not the horses, mine which made me fidget in my seat.’
Excuse of a famous golfer to lose a tournament- ‘My swinging lifestyle took a toll on my club swing’.

That is enough of sportspersons. Let us see unconvincing excuses in corporate life.

Excuse by CEO for dismal performance – ‘Two building in US fell down and so did our order book even though we are in domestic market and not international.’

Excuse by Marketing manager on his inability to expand the market ‘We were so busy planning and strategizing that time just flew and competitors breezed past us.’

Excuse by a party caterer/ Event Organiser – ‘We were so busy attending parties that we did not realize that we made bumper profits’. Now this party excuse is perhaps made to Income Tax officer on why they did not pay advance tax.

Pay 2 Sell

Two of my students from Management college accosted me in the corridor of the college with a newspaper folded at a news of a joint venture gone sour. I smiled at the juvenile attempt to butter me up by showing they took to heart my advice to scan news for the subject of amalgamation, mergers and takeovers which was the subject handed to me as a visiting faculty. ‘Not just to impress you sir’ spoke Sunil, ‘But to appraise you what we stumbled onto’. Ushering them to an empty classroom, Sunil showed me extracts of the joint venture which had the standard clause of equal sharing of profits and losses. Then he calculated the shares owned by the outgoing co-venturer. The carried forward loss of the joint venture was so high that the capital was completely eroded. Then came the punch line ‘Sir, if the capital is negative, will the seller have to pay the receiver of the shares when he exits the company?’ I swear my arteries froze cold as I had no explanation for this unique situation where the seller will have to pay!

Bidding for time, I reached deep into my memory to search for parallel situations where the seller would have to pay instead of receiving money. There are such rare cases. I was shocked to realize that I had myself paid to sell – my old fiat car. It was in running condition but the new Korean-Japanese models flooded the market and no-one wanted to buy a second hand fiat which once was selling more than the showroom price. So I had to pay the scrap dealer to take the car away.

The Indian social custom/structure of wedding especially in the north is very similar. To make your daughter go to her in-laws place, you have to bribe the in-laws to take her away with dance and song. I believe it is called dowry. Though frown upon and declared illegal, the economics of the situation is perhaps stronger.

Then there was a situation where we paid indirectly to cart away unwanted from our office – our egomaniac boss. We hijacked his profile from the computer and spread it over HR firms and paid them to offer him a lucrative job. Only with his departure could we breathe and actually do something constructive instead of just feeding his ego.

E-error

‘What is the use of making you file my return when I have to see such outrageous demands !’ screamed an exasperated client in our Chartered Accountant’s office. ‘I imagine you must have made some junior calculate my tax and you signed without looking’ he continued. I signaled for water and held out my hand to receive the paper he was waving like an enemy flag. It was an ordinary demand notice which normally sets off the panic button of the clients but routine for us. But looking at the newly designed computer print instead of scribbled handwriting on a printed sheet, even I jumped to my feet as I read the demanded figure. ‘See?’ said the client sipping the cold water. Now I gulped down a glass. ‘Must be computer error’ I mumbled. ‘The tax calculated by them works out in 14 digits my dear man’ scolded my client. ‘But your 3 year turnover also does not add up to the tax amount itself’ I countered.

The Income tax matter was just the tip of the iceberg. The office where the return was filed said that this was sent Centrally. It was at the other end of the city and I spend half a day to reach there. They in turn said that they merely housed the computers and printers. In case of any error discussion I must go to their Computer Planning and Implementation cell which again was in a third area far away. ‘How can such a preposterous error occur here” I asked the PR at the computer cell when I finally reached the place. ‘With 14 decimal point accuracy of the chip, one does not expect this’ I continued. Now, the hitherto crestfallen face brightened up as if he had found the answer. ‘See, the demand also is in 14 digits. The computer is doing its technical duty well.’ After meeting half a dozen of their staff we concluded a programming error but I could not talk to the programmer cause it was contracted out and the programmer was sitting in his private office and not the premises of Income tax. I believe that is what they call ‘outsourcing’.

Just then my cell phone rang and my office staff was screaming for my help as if riots had broken in my office. ‘Lost of people here including your wife!’ whispered our receptionist. My wife was seated inside perhaps as a demand of her conjugal right. ‘After all these years of marriage I see this?’ she too waved a paper in front of me. ‘If it is an Income Tax notice do not worry , something wrong with the computers’ I said easing myself in my chair. But the paper she flung was not from Income Tax but a well known pathologist. As I picked it up she made her dramatic announcement ‘You are pregnant’. I started sweating trying to remember which seminar I had attended when I must have strayed …. but wait a minute, I was a male and males do not get pregnant. This report was part of my annual checkup. I called up the Doctor and he said it was a computer error. Perhaps the data of patient before me was mixed up with mine. I swore never to go to any annual check up and die early perhaps but atleast without such a scandal.

As my wife left, my outside office started sending the mob members one by one. This one looked like a Government official. ‘Please ask your Doctor to be careful in filing certificates since we have yet to received one from him’ he said. I laughed, ‘you want a certificate from him that I am pregnant?’ He made an apology of a giggle and dropped his bomb, ‘No – that you have died seven days ago.’ No sound came from my open mouth so he introduced himself and the issue. ‘I am from the registrar of Births and Deaths. Our computerized system threw up your name as one which was not supported by a Doctor’s certificate’. ‘But..’ I countered, ‘you are here talking to me.’ ‘Computers cannot be wrong’ is one of the statements you wrote in a press article in the 90’s when you were alive’ he started talking to me in the past tense now. ‘How can I be dead when alive?’ I mused loudly. Then it hit me. Somehow the flag against some names in the computer database must have been activated to ‘dead’ due to some error. ‘Check when you have last re-indexed your database’ I recommended him to come back after this exercise was done.

Before the next person came in, my landline jingled. My Banker was on the phone and was asking if I wanted to covert the huge balance in my savings account to a time deposit. ‘Huge Balance?’ I was puzzled as I monitored my balances well because there was so little to monitor. ‘You have 2 deposits of 50 lacs over the past 4 days’ he replied icily. One crore in my account? I had half a mind to withdraw it all before they realized they had erroneously deposited here and rectified their mistake. As if reading my mind, the Banker continued, ‘We have studied it and noted it is no error on our part. It is an ECS (Electronic Clearing System) deposit from your Life Insurance company.’ ‘Huh?’ My policies were due to mature for next 20 years. I picked up the other phone to dial my insurance agent while I put the Banker on hold. My agent clicked some keys on his computer and came up with the winning answer. ‘Since our computers have registered you dead, we have paid the policy amount to your wife. Perhaps the account is jointly operated by you.’ ‘But on what basis have you arrived at the conclusion that I am dead?’ I asked. ‘Since last month, we are linked to the computer of Register of Births and Deaths to obviate any bogus death certificates and in interest of customer service; we do not wait for claims.’
Now I appreciate the phrase of silver lining to clouds. My silver lining was cool one crore in the account. Only problem now that I was dead, I would not be able to sign any cheques to use the money once the Banker came to know my status. Just my luck. The silver lining was just a sliver.

Cue to Queue

When my boss interrupted my 120 second lunch, I knew it was a bad omen. ‘Why do you think this cash rich organization is resorting to such measured?’ he asked indicating to the charge proposed for queue jumping by a temple trust run by the Government. ‘Perhaps because it is no longer cash rich and due to the downturn in the economy, maybe the hundi collections have gone down despite the footfalls being the same.’ I made sure I always threw in latest management jargons as he often complained I was too old for my job. ‘We too are affected by the downturn in the economy so, investigate how this idea can be adopted to our company’ he uttered as he waved me out off his cabin.

I sat at my desk wondering how a company like ours which was in a highly competitive field of light engineering can apply this idea. As I kept hitting a brick wall, I thought it best to investigate from the source and find how this all started. I called up an old colleague in the Legislative assembly and asked whose brain child it was. He laughed and told me that I would not believe that it was the brainchild of the peon of the honorable minister. ’Huh?’ is all I could respond. It seems the minister’s peon was fired for accepting cash to jump queue of the visitors to meet the minister. There is where the minister got the idea. Still refusing to believe that a lowly peon was the inventor of the VIP darshan fee, I decided to check up history.

Meeting the King

We have often heard of persons seeking audience of the any King to bear gifts. What one never heard was the number of gifts scattered on the way for the benefit of the influential ones like the guards at the town gate, the palace guards etc. The ultimate is the gift to the King as if it is the price paid to him for his ears for the specified period of time. If the first citizen of the kingdom was this corrupt, what can one expect from the lowly subjects?

Ubiquitous Queues in India

Till the present day, the queues are everywhere in India. The ration shop. The lone pipe in the hutment colony. The admission into schools and colleges. On the romantic front, the most attractive girls also has a queue of boys. To jump the queue the one with the biggest diamond as a gift gets her date on valentine’s day! Promotion queues are common in every office. Each senior seat has 500 aspirants. And all of them thought getting in the company was the only queue they had to beat. In each of these cases, there are the imaginative and non-patient few who device methods to jump the queue. The Air traffic Controller of every airport is alleged to benefit a few airlines. The cost of fuel burning waiting for take off is really high cost for the airlines. While this queue jumping is intended for profit, the other queues of soup kitchens is to pacify a growling stomach where acids are poured by the glands merely due to the smell of the soup!

No queue here

I wondered if there was absence of queue anywhere. Though there are scattered few examples, none the less, these examples exist. I was always blessing my forefathers for the surname to start low down when there were oral (verbal) examinations in the school. The methodology of the teacher would be revealed by the ones who had finished first while I was nicely in the last 5 of the class. It gave time for last minute revision. Here, no-one in his right mind would want to jump the queue!

However, there is one solitary case where when one reaches the head of the queue, one prefers to give way to the person behind. This is no reflection of any chivalry but a selfish act. This is the place where you are standing in queue to the door of death. Here is where no-one wants to jump the queue forward; but would gladly jump the queue backwards.