Divine Demat

The month of July is always busy for us Chartered Accountants so it was no surprise to find us working late in the office. I just completed e-filing a return which had failed 3 times for some reasons and went through with lot of prayer. ‘Got a second for me, my son?’ a voice asked in such a volume that I thought it was coming from inside my head. I looked at the dark side of the room and saw an old man standing. Since he identified himself to be God, quite some time was spent to prove that to me that it was not just a surname.

Assuming my time had come to leave this world as any CA would hope for-with his boots on, after filing all the client’s returns, I thanked him for a good life on earth. He smiled, ‘Son, your duty on earth is unfinished so I cannot yet take you in.’ I did not understand so he pointed to the news paper on the desk which proclaimed High Court’s order of debarring Demat account for Hindu Gods. ‘I am a mere mortal while you have greater powers than me.’ ‘You forget my son that in every Hindu Soul lies a God and you have umpteen stories from your grandfather when you were young’ he reminded me. He complained that for centuries, they owned property on earth much beyond the temples that housed them. Their land was tilled and poor were given food to eat. He regaled me on the antique jewellery owned by them to the 20th Century India where even the Gods paid wealth tax!

‘Tell me as a CA, if we are handed PAN Numbers, why not the Demat?’ he asked. I read from the news report, ‘A judge here said that you may not have the acumen to manage a Demat account’ I almost choked as I read it. ‘You think demat was your invention? Who put that idea in your head in the first place? He demanded and I could not agree more. ‘What I think is the fear of Directorship’ He speculated. ‘Huh?’ I was confused. ‘Son, with shares of greater numbers comes seat of Directorship and no matter how talented your mortal Directors are, including the technical Directors, our suggestions will be the only ones that will be accepted because of their success.’ I agreed because only the Gods would know the future. He continued, ‘So if two brothers are fighting over their corporate kingdom, we shall ensure that one is banished to the forest for 14 years while the other continues his reign in peace till his turn comes to live in the forest.’ That will take out the excitement of the Indian Corporate Board is the only thought in my head. ‘Besides, we have specialized Gods who will lead corporate to their new heights of success’ he tried to fill my head with arguments in their favour. ‘Annapurna Devi will head all your food processing companies, Lord Shankar will help your mineral water bottling companies’ he started rattling and I understood. Yet he continued, ‘Ravana will head Gillette’. ‘Why associate him with Gillette razors?’ I had had to ask. ‘With 10 heads equaling to 20 cheeks to shave daily, he is the best R&D to ensure smooth, fast and close shave’ he said the obvious. Before I could ask when Ravana was classified as God, he turned the topic to the sinister word in the judgement.

‘HINDU God is the only one debarred from Demat, did you notice?’ I now peered with tears of a true hindu in my eyes. The partiality now began to hurt. Noticing that I was equally dumbfounded, He said, ‘This is recognition of our power over the Gods of other religions’ now we were entering a religious war. ‘What to do now?’ He demanded answer from me. As a knee jerk reaction I said, ‘Change your religion.’ Believe me, if there was a guffaw that rebounded from earth to sky and back, this was it. It shook the foundations of our building. ‘Son, do not worry, we shall enter the souls of the Directors and thus have what you call a Benami holding in the company which no mortal soul can prove.’

Petrol De-regulated

How the economy would react to the petroleum decontrol is just like how the public would accept any movie. The first reaction on the share market was so crazy that I lost money by just being there. As I got out from the broker’s office I bumped into my commercial artist friend who usually had a laid back attitude to life but today he was hurried.’ Too busy to share a cuppa?’ I was surprised. ‘The Petrol de-control has increased by business’ he replied. Since he mainly catered to the industry of hospitality I was most confused at the relation between Petrol and restaurant business jump. He cleared my confusion by saying that since he had the reputation of designing menu cards, all the petroleum companies now clamored to him for their menu cards. Now that confused me in another direction. Instead of price list of just two Leaded and unleaded today, you will have so many choices as to have a menu card?

Now he suggested we sit over a cup of tea when he would explain. ‘Since the companies now have freedom to set prices, appointed consultants gave suggestions that once the car enters the Petrol Pump, each driver will be handed a Menu card to permit them to order the correct service.’ ‘You mean to tell me that we shall have more choice than just leaded and unleaded fuel?’ I countered. ‘The consultants like you’ he poked fun at my profession have given ideas to cover the thousands of crores of losses accumulated in the Balance Sheet by a host of value added services.’ I still did not get it so he secretly slid across the table a rough of an intended Menu card.

I looked at the prices and fell off my chair. It looked very much like the menu of Pizza or Burgers. ‘But the honorable minister and his stafftold to expect a marginal rise so I thought it would still be around Rs.60 but here you are showing me Rs. 200 per litre?’ ‘Read the small print’ he hissed. ‘You mean there will be customers paying high price to see an attractive girl filling up petrol in your vehicle instead of a greasy man?’ I was surprised. ‘Wait till your son gets his car and notice the fuel bill jump when he fills up the car’ he warned, indicating that market survey said that college boys would be the first group of customers for this ‘alternative’. He was correct that filling up the car would no longer remain a chore but an even to look forward to! I scanned the other so called value added products and noted the perfumed alternative as sheer rip off. ‘Why?’ was the only word I could mouth. ‘As a strategic consultant you should know better’ he admonished me, ‘all these years they were running into losses amount to Rs. 7600 crores. Now they have to recoup in a hurry and mere increase in prices of end product by Rs. 5 will translate to 110 years for Balance Sheets to be in Black. By quantum jump in rates only, the companies can hope to turn corner in two to three years!’ he lectured me basic business tactics.

‘And there is more in the other departments’ added my friend. ‘What other departments?’ I asked, ‘just washing and servicing or repairs are done so what type of value added can there be?’ My friend lectured, ‘In some countries, the car washing is an exciting profession. Who and how it is washed is important and thus the compensation.’ I held out my hand to accept his poster drawing as I was too dumb to understand. ‘Besides, this will generate employment for women which is what the Government wants due to the skewed girl-boy ratio in this country’ he added lending some credibility to the incredulous idea of service of the new petrol pumps.

Till that moment I was under the genuine belief that deregulation was restricted to price. Now I am certain that in one stroke it also led to deregulation of morality in pursuit of economic recovery of the petroleum companies.

Best of five

When the High Court squashed the Best of five rule for SSC admissions to the 11th, my son was predictably vindicated. Just the day before, he was calculating how much more he would have benefited 3 years earlier when he had passed SSC. If I too starting thinking that, perhaps even my life would have taken a different turn. But today he felt happy and yet sad. ‘I thought you would be happy to learn that the scoring pattern is the same at that of your time.’ It seems that now he was able to see some merit in the best of five. Only difference was that he was not restricting it to the SSC marks. ‘I mean, it should be best of five in all events.’ On cue, he confused me. ‘Huh?’ I asked for elaboration. ‘When I answer four times correctly, and once wrong, I should be given full marks for all five questions.’ Oops, here came the rebound. He continued, ‘even you should not shout at me if four times I drive the new car correctly and the fifth time I dent it just a bit.’ Now he was making me sweat as I visualized the new car looking ugly with his newly acquired driving skill.

My wife overhearing the conversation, now chipped in. ‘Even I will benefit by the best of five’ she announced. ‘Each time we have a party, most of the dishes are superlative. But one dish is perceived as average by most ladies and my whole effort on the 30 course menu is wasted. Best of five rule will certainly make a success of my dinner parties then.’ Hmmm not a bad line of thought. I should mention this to my boss. If one of five projects fails then he should not blow his top as he usually does. We could even improve the employee morale in our office by this rule and who knows, we may even have more success with renewed confidence. This best of five rule seems to have a constructive impact in every sphere.

‘Can we tweak the rule to best of four for my driving since I am a learner?’ my son suddenly woke up to his usual mischief. ‘Next minute you will demand best of three’ I admonished him. I mused, ‘It will be better for the students if the Government were to have the rule of BEST OF ONE’. All of us agreed that each student had his favorite subject in which her performed exceedingly well. ‘And new subjects should be introduced like film appreciation’ quipped my daughter who was noticeably silent till now. ‘Who in his right mind introduce this subject?’ I flared. ‘We are the city of Bollywood and I am sure that all want good cinema to reign. If the audience is sufficiently armed with correct evaluation of good cinema, the Industry will benefit.’ All I knew till then was that the film industry had benefited amply from me through the money spent on the theaters directly and immediately thereafter on dresses designed on basis of the film itself. ‘Cricket could be a separate subject for the boys’ chipped my son to support Best of One rule.

As we turned off the TV showing Mahabharata, someone closed the subject by remarking, ‘It is good that Draupadi did not have to apply the best of five rule.’

Delay

“How can anyone be sued for delay in launch of a product?’ asked my son referring to news of an Indian vehicle manufacturer being sued in US for a long delay in launch of his vehicle. I agreed that his previous model launch was delayed by 3 years and yet no one sued him even though many vendors went bankrupt for having changed their manufacturing set up but starved due to lack of orders due to project delay. ‘I guess US guys have less patience than Indians’ I answered him. ‘Is it the karma theory?’ he asked in real earnest but knocking me off my seat as usual. ‘Karma?’ I asked in puzzlement. ‘Since Indians believe in re-birth, small delays of a year is nothing in perspective of a dozen life times so we do not get irritated’ He explained.

This argument made me muse on our high tolerance. Bridges, roads, dams all infrastructure projects in India had delays by the rule, shooting up cost multifold making a mockery of the tender and budgetary process of the project. ‘There is more than 2 year delay on the mono-rail near our house so should I sue them for not being available during my academic days when I required the most?’ asked my son interrupting my muse on the issue. ‘Ask your lawyer Uncle’ I passed the buck to my lawyer friend who I knew for certain would get a call from my son on the very same day without delay.

Just then my society secretary came in to ask me to sign a cheque as a treasurer. ‘Why the penalty for the municipal corporation?’ I asked hoping to write a logical narration on the voucher. ‘Since we did not clean the tree trimmings from the road in an hour we are fined.’ He explained. ‘But that was only a branch and we cleared it in 80 minutes after our housekeeping staff reported.’ I countered. He shrugged indicating failure of his earnest attempts. As I signed the cheque, I remembered that the previous year, the trimming was done by the corporation and half the road was blocked for 4 days before they themselves cleaned it. I guess the aspect of delay does not matter but WHO does the delay is critical.

Who is not an artist?

Every country had a reputation for its citizens. Germans were known for their engineering prowess. Swiss for their timekeeping machines. Even later, Japan joined with their expertise in Cameras and Cars. An ancient country like India had no such positive quality associated with its citizens. UNTIL NOW.

A curious case of Income Tax which would have otherwise be read only by Income Tax practitioners as their duty to update their knowledge is likely to turn India into a LAND OF ARTISTS (legally recognized). Income earned abroad by Indian Residents would not be taxed if they were artists. Perhaps the origin of this section would be the honorable intention to expose Indian culture abroad via various artists of music and dance. Bollywood artists were the first ones to exploit this section by doing shows abroad and bringing in truckloads of tax free income.

When the decision of the court acknowledging a fashion designer to be an artist hit the newspapers, my phone did not stop ringing. Every person from any profession was seeking my opinion on how to project themselves as artists. All they wanted was to skip to the nearest country and bring back tax free income. I took all the calls for about 4 hours and then set down to jot the strategy of ‘artistry in each and every profession.’

Just then a Banker called demanding strategy for the same. I laughed, ‘Borrow at a certain rate and lend at a higher rate is the strategy of any Banker. How does that make you an artist?’ He said he would send me the title of their text books all of this somehow read similarly as THE ART AND SCIENCE OF BANKING.’ Now I guess there is art in everything we do!

Cheque your Spelling

How an honest intention can mess up your life can be easily seen from any organisation that has bureaucracy a mile long. The first call I received was from an account of my client inquiring what new account head to be opened in case of charges by the Bank for return of cheques. ‘Silly man, don’t you have Bank Charges account?’ I sometimes wondered if lack of intelligence was the qualification my clients searched for their administrative personnel. But he hit me with a circular that proved perhaps lack of my own vigilance. ‘So what if this is a new reason, keep the same account’ I answered a bit irritably. ‘But sir, almost alternate of our cheques are corrected with the due signature and boss says that in future, such should be recovered from the staff so I thought that it would be better to opened Cheque error account per employee in charge of writing cheques.’ I did my mental maths of his 5 to 8 such clerks and found logic in his plan. ‘But sir, I have a problem’ he continued and I groaned. ‘We have to now make a procedure to note who has written which cheque cause the cheques may be presented after a few days when they may be so rejected.’ Now that was one planner thinking ahead.

‘Instead of this round about, why doesn’t the person signing ensure the cheque is error free?’ I came up with what I thought was a winning answer stark in its simplicity. He gave such an answer that proved I was not having good memory. ‘But sir, you are aware that boss makes his trips for the company and he pre-signs the cheques before he goes and approves the bills via email’.

The federation of Industry and commerce were the next who invited me on the same issue. They handed me a 300 page survey done by a psychologist hired by them. ‘Summarise’ I barked. The secretary of the federation stammered, ‘The results showed that after warning the writers of the cheques of the consequence of even one error, the subjects started making 4 errors on every cheque compared to one in hundred previously.’ I nodded reminding him that it was like asking a person to think of any colour except the colour red. Only the banned will flash in his mind. ‘Human nature’ I answered asking them to accept humans as they were unless they were Gods.

On my way out, I got a call on my cell phone from my software friends who wanted a strategy meeting. What I had to do with their strategy I wondered. They said, ‘since the federation survey showed errors in cheques, they were coding stand alone as well as linked to accounts cheque writing modules for sale at prices that even the grocer can afford. Was this is a good idea is what they wanted me to tell. I agreed to send them a report of my evaluation provided they paid my fees by direct Bank transfer.

Excuse of a Party

‘I did not know that excuses we made in school to avoid strenuous exercises during physical training would also be useful later after we grew up’ said my son in genuine bewilderment. Peering from my newspaper mentioning comments of the Indian captain for his loss in the match I joined in his amused conclusion. ‘At least our excuses sounded prima facie genuine’ he complained perhaps projecting himself and his generation as experts in excuse creation. ‘You found the logic of late parties telling on the body strength as unconvincing?’ I asked in amazement. ‘When you are part of IPL and Party is your middle name, how can you blame parties?’ I nodded; understanding that the sponsors would like the players to meet their influentials like bottlers and other influential people to promote their business in return for the bushels of notes they pour in the sponsorship. ‘No.. no..’ my son shook his head in disagreement. ‘Party is their middle name isn’t it?’ As usual he confused me, so he elaborated. ‘Doesn’t everyone know IPL stands for Incessant Party Lover?”

That ignited my muse of the mind on excuses that people make to explain their failure which is not convincing prima facie.

Excuse for losing chess game – ‘I was playing with the wrong colour of pieces’.

Excuse for a jockey to lose a race – ‘The shoe was lose; not the horses, mine which made me fidget in my seat.’
Excuse of a famous golfer to lose a tournament- ‘My swinging lifestyle took a toll on my club swing’.

That is enough of sportspersons. Let us see unconvincing excuses in corporate life.

Excuse by CEO for dismal performance – ‘Two building in US fell down and so did our order book even though we are in domestic market and not international.’

Excuse by Marketing manager on his inability to expand the market ‘We were so busy planning and strategizing that time just flew and competitors breezed past us.’

Excuse by a party caterer/ Event Organiser – ‘We were so busy attending parties that we did not realize that we made bumper profits’. Now this party excuse is perhaps made to Income Tax officer on why they did not pay advance tax.