Entertaining Hospitals

My son burst into my conference room during a meeting panting, ‘Are you all right? So many cars parked outside bearing the Doctor stickers from so many hospitals. I told you not to worry about my grades in college…’ ‘Slow down young man, there is nothing wrong with me. All the hospitals are in a quandary due to some court ruling and since it’s a common problem, I have called all of them together.’ ‘Oh a group therapy’ he smartly observed. ‘No such thing, but you may sit and we will go home together’ I told him, secretly hoping to turn his career to follow mine though I knew in the hearts of hearts he would prefer dealing with computers than humans.

Dr. Shah the respected general surgeon continued his presentation, ‘Sir, we request you to amputate the problem set by this court ruling and design some prosthetic as a strategic consultant to have status quo in our hospital management.’ My son’s jaw dropped and all he said was ‘Huh?’ I translated for him the interweaved medical jargon, that the hospitals were seeking a legal way to avoid paying entertainment tax on the TVs provided in the hospital premises and I was expected to provide them the strategic solution.

Dr. Percy, administrator of an old General Hospital in South Mumbai said, ‘Since our patients are from the upper class who normally see only English and art films, we are contemplating putting advertisements of which films are being beamed in our TVs.’ This was a ludicrous competitive strategy which invited my wrath. ‘Do you really think that as an ambulance is transporting a patient who just had an heart attack to some other hospital and if your hospital is on the route, he will peer out of the wailing ambulance and noting his favorite film being shown in your hospital, will ask the driver to detour to your hospital? So saying, I opened my arms expecting laughter to embrace me but all I got was a stunned silence of agreement. Dr. Saxena from the Plastic and Reconstruction hospital which was reputed to profit only from cosmetic surgery especially bust enlargement said, ‘We were contemplating item girl live dances every evening. Since TVs will be taken out, our patients accepted suggestion of live dancers’. I was livid with their line of thinking, ‘You mean to say, now Rakhee Sawant will come to your hospital in her professional capacity and not yours? Besides with so many female patients you will need Abraham instead.’ Dr. Saxena said, ‘Our market research has even concluded that such live entertainment will tilt the decision in our favor of those potential patients sitting on the fence thinking whether they want a face lift or just an out patient Botox.’

‘Don’t be childish in starting such a competition. You are here, united for a cause so let us find a common solution other than going to the higher court’ I tried to direct the flow of the meeting.

‘Let us go back to the root of the issue.’ I suggested. ‘When and how did this entertainment start in the first place?’ ‘He did!’ all shouted in unison pointing at a Hospital Administrator of an old hospital. ‘Now blame it on me’ the meek man was almost in tears. ‘We are not playing a blame game but a solution hunting game if you please’ this medical fraternity was getting on my nerves. The meek man stammered, ‘Our British Associate was providing channel music to their patients in the fifties. We did not do that but jumped straight to providing televisions. Initially, the televisions were placed in the costly special rooms then the non-ac special rooms then to the wards.’

‘But why was channel music and TV provided in the first place?’ asked my son. Dr. Vichare the psychiatrist of a Mumbai North hospital offered some explanation, ‘I remember having read in the library that music has soothing effect which provides impetus to the body for faster healing. You all know what music does to improve the yield of milk of cows and buffaloes’ he reminded us. Now we were getting some place. I summarized, ‘Earlier the channel music, and now the Television is providing some sort of therapy for faster healing so simply call the televisions ….. Therapeutic Vehicles (TV for short) which carry signals to the ears and eyes for faster healing. That created one round of applause as all busy scribbled on their pads which though I could see, could not read what anyone had written.

‘Perhaps we can turn the clock back and provide just channel music’ suggested Dr. Kanhere, the Gynecologist. I stared at him wide eyed, ‘I hope the milk yield improvement on animals is not your conclusion of it working for humans without research proof.’ Red faced, he denied such an intention. ‘I would not take such a chance’ I told him, ‘because, instead of the milk yield improvement, if all your patients have baby yield improvement like twins in all cases, you will be doing our nation a dis-service.’ Trying to educate them I reminded them that though the entertainment tax may be avoided, they would have to seek periodical license and pay the fees (also periodically) to Indian Performing Rights Society (IPRS).’What if we give them iPods capable of MP3 and MP4 playback?’ stammered Dr. Kanhere. This sent me into raptures as I reminded him, ‘The New York Governor is planning an iPod Tax and since India apes the West so well, this will be the new tax by March which is just 3 months away. So, your iPod will be a tactical measure and not a strategic one.’

‘What about the few big screens we had planted in the lobby and waiting rooms? You had suggested we put near the lift doors on the ground floor since the lifts were slow’. Dr. Desai reminded me of a textbook strategy I had prescribed a few months earlier, to reduce tension of persons waiting to be served. Now, my own strategy was creating a problem due to changed circumstances. I was in quandary, since criticizing my own act would be like asking my fiancé to return the ring I just presented because I later realized the installments on the diamond were too high for my salary. I would lose both. ‘What are you showing on these screens?’ I was bidding for some thinking time in the corner he had pushed me into. Shrugging his shoulders, he said, ‘Maybe news or whatever channel the receptionist has set.’ ‘There!’ I shouted and he jumped. ‘Remote in hands of a third party means you are showing something that the people may not want to see and entertainment occurs only when people see what they want to see.’ All scribbled making me happy until one smart young Doctor from a clinic they called hospital asked, ‘I hope that is a legal definition of entertainment’. I merely nodded.

Bootstart

One can only imagine what thoughts must have run through the mind of the US President when a shoe was airborne and hurtling towards to him. Most likely he must have thought the Superman’s introduction dialogue, ‘Is it a bird or a plane… No it’s a boot …DUCK’. Now we know why dodge ball is played by the American boys. I can warrant the second shoe must have been much easier to avoid. One can only be thankful that the thrower had only two legs.

Footwear itself has done wonders and worked its way down history, right from the Roman sandals a design that has withstood rigors of fashion and material innovation. Importance of a shoe was highlighted in a limerick of how lack of a shoe prevented a horse from transporting his soldier to the battlefield, the domino effect of which resulted in loss of the battle- all for lack of a horse shoe. Even the Pandavas I believe had the shoe as a sign to provide privacy to whichever husband was with their common law wife. Since Indians often leave their footwear outside the house, anyone can note if a person is in the house and of course royalty may have even shoes with emblem to provide easy identification.

I was musing this when our Chief called us in the bureau. Ours was the Sunday paper and I was newly assigned to the reporter’s desk. While others got plump assignments the Chief peered over his reading glasses and bellowed, ‘See if you fit the news about the flying boot in our Sunday edition.’ ‘But Sir,’ I stammered, ‘ours is a financial paper so what has finance got to do with this?’ He smiled as if imagining the joy he would experience firing me from the job and said in a volume purposely loud for everyone to hear, ‘You have a brain so make the connection.’ This invited a titter from others as if they knew the connection and only I was a dodo.

Fearing the end of my journalistic career, I logged into our past issues and located matter on Cobbler Scam I and II. (Yes there was II also) I jotted the names and tucking the yellow pages under my arm for their address, I went in search of savior of my job. I tried the upper end market of Nike first. The GM of India region updated me that their Research Division in an undisclosed place (as if they were developing missiles) was developing a design to suit the new requirements. I came expecting dead ends and here he opened a door to an air-conditioned theatre displaying a movie in surround sound. ‘What new requirement’ I was really puzzled. ‘Now the whole world wants shoes with better air control and our shoes were the first one to incorporate air pressure in them’. Seeing my puzzled look yet, he continued, ‘Air power which was once used to make the shoe fit snugly to the foot, is now harnessed to make the shoe fly faster as your reporter friend did in Iraq.’ ‘That was no friend of mine just a person in the same industry’ I replied sharply. ‘You mean now your shoes will use air to propel towards other leaders?’ I asked with wide eyes. ‘Bingo’ was his reply. Now it was my turn to be patriotic as I regaled him, ‘Do you know that for decades, the Indian (at least Maharastrian) girl has used one kind of footwear to keep Romeos in control and it is a brand that is oft quoted even in movies and dramas? Incensed with some competitor getting free publicity he demanded to know which footwear this was. I told him, ‘Kolhapuri Chappal’.

That was a clue for next visit as I caught the sleeper bus to Kolhapur. Early in the morning I visited the largest manufacturer. I was greeted by the head honcho affectionately called big brother or Dada. He welcomed me with a bear hug as if I was the bearer of some good news. Looking more like a wrestler from the same area he was beaming under his thick upward turned moustache as he asked me what I wanted. I told him I was surprised to note that not only was the huge work force in full attendance but the board in his room implied even 3 shifts in times when the economy was in the doldrums. Calling for some tea he said, ‘Your industry is who we should thank for the orders which have made our order book full to the next 4 years.” Seeing my puzzled look, all he had to say was ‘Iraq’ and I made the connection that the reporter was who he credited. ‘But who has given orders for so many chappals?’ He laughed and said, ‘You should have asked why but perhaps being a Maharastrian you know ours is the best cured leather and oiled so lovingly by hand. It is so flexible and strong that it squeaks like the American Motorcycle cop’s shoes. When hit on the face by our chappal, the target not only gets a red face for days but it also turns black and blue before the original colour returns after a month.’ ‘But who and why?’ I asked. He put on his reading glasses and opened a thick order book and said, ‘ I have only names here no purposes. I see a bunch of political party-men wanting chappals with holes in the centre to weave string them perhaps to garland someone. I also see many girls with two surnames indicating modern girls just married wanting thicker than normal soles. So Dowry harassments will reduce in the future! My my we are playing a social role now’ he patted himself on his back.

As I exited Kolhapur by a return sleeper I paused to think on my headline. I had noticed that the laborers were spending more money in the market giving the much needed optimism. That gave me the much needed financial angle to my story. I punched on my laptop BOOTSTARTED FOOTWEAR INDUSTRY TO KICKSTART INDIAN ECONOMY. I also knew my headline would be altered by my Chief for having too much pun. (I stopped counting at 4)

Is Technology the panacea of weak co-operative Banks?

Indian Banking industry has the appreciative feature of being more mature than that of other industries especially in comparison to the neighbors. It is also true that countries like Malaysia have proved it otherwise by leapfrogging in the last decade. India has the motley mix of Banks such as Scheduled (nationalized), Private, and Co-operative Banks. Due to the vast terrain and uneven development and for some historical factors, co-operative Banks have made inroads into areas where other Banks have not looked at. In the very interior of the country, the co-operative Bank is the only one saving the population from the ancient system of burying pots of gold as savings or burdened under the unjust arithmetic calculation of the moneylender.

Urban co-operative Banks have given a mixed image to the layman. It is often joked that for every politician, there is a co-operative Bank. Easily granted loans and turning a blind eye at the time of recovery of such loans is often a disguised vote solicitation technique. There was even a hue and cry when RBI banned co-operative Banks from giving advances to their own Directors perhaps from the ignoramus who never grasped the true principle of co-operation casting a shadow of suspicion even on the correctly modeled and run co-operative Banks. Reserve Bank of India has already initiated steps to recognize them as Banks as against just a co-operative society which would otherwise club then with housing and marketing societies, thus increasing RBI’s control over them. The Prudential norms and Asset classification is diluted only nominally for the non-urban co-operative Banks. Merger of weaker Banks into the stronger ones is encouraged also from the Income Tax angle by taxing the co-operative Banks so that at the time of merger, the acquired loss can be set off which should be a major encouragement factor for the acquiring Bank just as this is one of the major considerations (other being market share) whenever a company acquires another. With just a year or so available for recovery, what are the various strategies adopted by Banks are on the ‘borderline’ of sound health?

System audit executed by the author in more than 30 co-operative Banks, evoked cause of concern and cry for change of software vendor. Ironically, the co-operative sector whose management has been known to be weaker than either the scheduled Banks or the private sector Banks, justifiable deserved strong software support but coupled with absence of defined quality for software (even till date), the introduction of application platforms such as Dbase and FoxPro permitted a skeletal force of developers, even one man operations to develop Banking applications which more often were just vanilla operation coverage with very low to nil security features. Such application packages were fertile grounds for fraudulent persons. In the next round of change, the vendor population dwindled to a mere handful. There are handful of software vendors in the Big Bank market and a different handful set in the co-operative Bank market. Whenever any vendor ‘crossed’ his market, the results were disastrous as events have proved themselves.

Core Banking is not only the fashionable platform of operation but also the necessity of the day to permit anywhere Banking and installation of Real Time Gross Settlement System (RTGS) which permits faster clearance of cheques by direct communication from the clearing cell of the RBI to the Bank’s RTGS server. With handful of vendors in the market, will the purchase of a standard core Banking package permit a borderline co-operative Bank bounce back to the pink of health? Before jumping to an answer which is controversial in itself, one has to appreciate the feature change from the old platform of Local Area Network (LAN) which may have come from much smaller a vendor though the size of the vendor may not be directly proportional to the efficacy of the software and its coverage. The noteworthy positive features of most of such applications are:
1. Most of the vendors themselves have graduated from the LAN during which time they have altered, added, enhanced and fine tuned the application to more than the vanilla feature of just posting and interest calculation.
2. Hardware costs and networking costs are continually reducing. Leased telephone line once a prerogative of the mightiest corporate, is commonplace in its role of networking. Continuous Branch connectivity which is the essential feature of core Banking is affordable to smallest of Banks.

Internal Audit teams have reported startling improvements in efficacy of branches when the Bank implemented core Banking solution. The observations of the System Auditors was more easy to comprehend since many security duties were now executed through the Data Centre which now could be manned by appropriate personnel which was not possible in the LAN environment which would have demanded high end hardware and software engineers in every branch. Not only would the cost be prohibitive but there would not be sufficient work to retain the interest of the concerned personnel. The observations of the internal auditors (or even the concurrent auditors) on the improvement in work flow could be the result of the following:

1. Corebanking is real time software demanding that the transactions and even back office entries be passed thought the system.
2. Given the learning history of earlier LAN based software and the system audits that diced it, the software vendors installed all improvements that were either demanded by their client Banks or reported by the system auditors.
3. Discretion is therefore given a back seat in the interest of internal control. Core Banking has very few areas which have a manual over –ride.
4. Plethora of reports with a minimum of 100 reports on an average in each of the core banking solutions, one must be right for you! This may be the principle for satisfaction of the discriminatory. However, time reveals that even a 100 report output still falls short of management and legal needs even of the day.

Thus, from the simple action of opening a savings account to reporting health of a borrower, the system takes control with nary a loophole to exploit much to the delight of the auditors and most Bank managements. Thus, ensuring Income Tax PIN number capture to ensure legal compliance to correct interest and installments in arrears are system driven, suddenly removing all the irregularities observed by the previous auditors continuously over the years. Correction of the old data of course needs to be awarded priority to equalize data quality. The main assumption is of course the quality of the application as available under the professional eye of the handful experienced vendors and the Bank management’s intention to improve. Improvement in housekeeping and reporting in itself admittedly does not constitute health of any Bank. But when a struggling Bank no longer has to take Herculean efforts in the departments of housekeeping and accurate reporting, the manpower is available for ‘recovery’ and marketing. Training is an essential input of this service industry which demands time. Core Banking application will make available this time. Marketing and proper scrutiny of applications will thus be possible in the given time frame. All this is expected to improve the Bank’s health. But will all this possible in the restricted time of one year? Very difficult is the consensus but it is assured that the ‘direction’ of the health of the Bank will turnaround for the better. The very ambitious managements may be able to even achieve a complete health turnaround in a small time frame too – all thanks to core Banking.

Paternal Duty Redefined

I was busy working from my home when I found my college-going son on his hands and knees examining my chair. I was first scared assuming he was trying to defuse a bomb or something. I later took comfort realising that it would have just resulted in a small incident in a large city so, no-one would isolate a common man like me to take such effort. ‘Son, have you lost something?’ I asked in genuine concern. ‘My future!’ was his stoic reply. ‘Your future?’ I feared for his intellect. ‘How did you conclude your future is under my chair of all places?’ Still under the chair he commented like my car mechanic, ‘Firstly, the spring is small, rusty and more important, a board is missing.’ I was utterly confused. My new chair of just one month for which I had paid a bomb was now devalued by a non-expert!

Trying to recall if I had sent the guarantee card, I asked my son to explain. ‘This chair is styled in Europe but has no sense of the Indian demand’ my son commented expertly. ‘Pray what is ignored by the expert designer?’ I asked. ‘The springboard for the next generation should be in your seat’ he replied. Looking at my still more confused expression he continued to explain, ‘ In India, the princely states were abolished but the birthright to the seat of power is kept in the family. Today, the tradition continues. The seat of the father is the springboard of career for the next generation. You already know that we had a string of Prime Ministers and Chief Ministers chosen primarily for their lineage.’

‘Perhaps that is true for Indian Politics in which I have no career by choice’ I declared. ‘What about the Indian Corporate arena?’ he took out the punch in my argument. ‘Sons and daughters are made CEOs just because their father worked hard. Companies from yarn to liquor; communication to Infrastructure are controlled by children. They are appointed for their lineage’. He could not be wrong as he had placed Reliance on facts of Indian Corporate world. I explained that ‘succession management needs to be defined in all companies and there are various types. The one you are referring to one of the many types and this one is called Succession by Relation (Essar) to achieve enlargement of efforts of the earlier generation. In Management terms, it is formally known as F.L.O.P.’ Giving me a disgusted look my son said, ‘Now I suppose you will tell me that such persons so appointed are flop in their job.’ ‘No son’ I told in a neutral tone, ‘it stands for Family Leverage Over Professionalism. You are aware how acronym oriented the management students are.’

My son looked pensive as he gave my argument a moment’s thought and brightened as he said, ‘From the point of the younger generation, the plan of succession should be F.A.R.’ Now it was my turn to forecast his argument. ‘I suppose you will tell me that if children get appointed they will go far in rank in the corporation? Like one employee who got promoted from the mailroom to Vice President in just a week. When he went to accept the award, he uttered, “Thank you Dad” to the CEO.’ Shaking his head like a wise man my son replied in the same neutral tone I had used earlier, ‘This is also an acronym and this one stands for Family Advantage Regeneration where the practices pass from generation to generation and so also the vision.’

Smooth Flying in Turbulence

As the victims of recession got bad publicity on the front page, each reader had his own reaction. My son who is yet a student had his own type of reaction. “Dad, what do you think the airlines will do to save itself?’ ‘What would you suggest as a strategic consultant?’ my son demanded of me. I laughed and said, ‘A consultant never thinks free. Pay fees and I my brain will start clicking.’ ‘Honestly Dad, I would like to follow in your footstep if only you give me chance to partake in simulation exercises like these.’ Having touched a delicate chord of hero worship I relented.

I realized we were talking about the airline known also for the uniforms of its airhostess. Though I was initially tempted to tackle the issue of fuel cost which otherwise was a logical candidate, I was reminded of the axiom of many esteemed corporate managements which was ‘Control controllable costs’ (C3). If you are not a member of OPEC, fuel cost was certainly out of your control. ‘The uniforms are certainly in the control of the management’ son echoed my thoughts. ‘Perhaps they can use lesser cloth’ he suggested, reminding me of the dialogue of a Hindi film Gool-Maal (1st version) ‘But here the saving of cloth would imply raising the hem line which is already at a high level’ I countered emphatically stating that any higher would confuse them with nightclub dancers. ‘What else is possible to save the airlines then?’ As I mused, my son put some random words of industry specific financing together stating that ‘Since the planes are on costly wet lease, convert all plane financing to dry lease’. I almost fell out of my chair laughing at the newly coined term of dry lease as I confessed to him that I would too would understand wet lease for ships but pray who thought to associate this term for vehicles flying in air?

‘Since the airlines are now literally hand to mouth perhaps they should control what they put in the mouths of the passengers’ I said, further suggesting that the 5 star fare could be toned down but not to the level of what an internal flag carrier did 3 decades ago when only 2 biscuits were served in a war time-like situation.

This excited my son to suggest the partial application of the Indian Railway model. This principle seemed too good to be true – to apply a world famous (noted even by Kellog Institute of Management as a case study) Indian transport solution to an Indian transport industry; the difference only being one was surface while the other was air. My son laid bare the plan of the food contractors of the Railway station at Metros where the rent was fixed as a percentage of revenue of the highest earning station and applied across stations. ‘But where are the food contractors in the premises of the airline?’ I asked innocently. He said, ‘Each plane will have to remove 2 pairs of seats forward and aft. Contractors will set up stall in the plane and their rent will increase the cash flow. Besides, the passengers will actually pay to be fed.’ I imagined the scene where one contractor would be selling sandwiches and wafers while the other sold Ragda patties and Wada Pao. My son was not finished as he continued his funding ideas by pasting 2 ft X 4 ft advertisement over the windows inside the cabin as they do in train coaches; adding that in-flight entertainment needs to be sprinkled generously with advertisement which should be priced sky high as the ads will be shown in the sky. Ignoring the pun I appreciated the segment identification of high spenders imagining that producers of cars, diamond jewellery, designer clothes etc. would be titillated at this pre-defined target market.

Perhaps the planes of tomorrow will start looking like trains and will be termed as sky trains. I just wonder how they would address the urge of train travelers to hang outside the compartment for the wind in their face. I felt amused as I mused whether the sky trains would come under the jurisdiction of the Railway Ministry since the vehicles had the suffix of ‘train’? Now wouldn’t that open Pandora ’s Box of fun?

Die Another Day

“ I have decided to be a Banker” my son suddenly exploded as I was reading the news of recession and Bank bailouts. I was aghast to conclude that at his age he was not reading even the headlines and choosing an industry which was retrenching people. He justified himself saying, “Even the hospitality industry, airlines, textiles … all are in the process of retrenchment. The recession will be over someday & we shall see corpses of companies of various industries lying about but no Banks.” I looked at the newspaper again and realized, ‘Are you are referring to the Government support that one Bank has received?’ ‘Naturally’ he replied, ‘which other industry has received it so far? Even the textile industry which has thousands of workers who will starve without work will have to leave all in the name of recession. Banks seem to be the favorite children of all Governments’.

‘I am amazed at the calculations the geniuses may have made to determine the amount required to keep the Bank afloat without even knowing which of the borrowers will file application under Chapter 11 in the near future due to the recession affecting the loan portfolio of the Bank’ my son said excitedly, as he was just learning statistical techniques and perhaps the precise chapter on probability. ‘I hate to disappoint you son’ I had to bare the facts, ‘I do not think any sophisticated models of forecasting were used. Most probably, the last recorded position; say end of quarter or month was most likely used for calculation for the GASP’. For a change, instead of my son, I decided to coin a new term of Get Above Sinking Point.

Frowning in puzzlement he asked, ‘do you mean to say that no-one has calculated the domino effect the recession will have on the business of the borrowers of the Bank leading to further losses?’ I smiled and pointed to the headline, “…Bank Lives another day”. His quip was fast. ‘Since no economist or finance pandit has forecasted the recession to be less than 2 years, borrowers of the Bank folding up is imminent and thus the demise of the Bank. The headline would have been more appropriate if it was DIE ANOTHER DAY’. I couldn’t agree more.

‘In school we were taught that unless we were rapped on our knuckles we would never learn to avoid the same mistake’ was the innocent remark of my son. ‘Will the Bank’s management recognize its mistakes and avoid them in the future?’ I could not answer this question. ‘Perhaps the main reason is to protect the poor innocent depositors’ I blurted a propaganda statement. ‘Sure’he said, ‘remember the time we walked in to open our accounts and we were turned down on the grounds that our average balance was to be 10 lacs and above. These poor depositors could have been hurt real bad even at an average level’.

‘There are people working in the Banks but persons more than those employed are affected’ I lectured. ‘Oh yes’ he said brightly, ‘The Indian CEO who studied his basics in India and post qualification in the States would have to change his lifestyle. His absence at the golf course would affect the caddy & the club income. Then his entertainment would go down affecting the income of various 5 star restaurants & their waiters due to the lack of tips.’ Now I joined in, ‘apart from employment, the general attitude of major company CEOs would change as they would then have to talk of currency swaps in antiseptic aluminum framed cabins of Indian Bank Manager instead of gargling a negotiation over champagne.’

I began to muse, why I should also not join such Banks where one need not have to pay the price for our mistakes while in Indian counterparts we pay for other people’s mistakes. Besides, I have yet to gargle in champagne.

Pow in the Pav

“Dad, did you have Vada Pav when you were young?” asked my son one morning. Reminiscing my school days, I recalled that ragda patties and sandwiches was all that the canteen sold. My college was so small that a solitary canteen was shared with 2 others and being in the morning college, one never had time even for tea. But Vada Pav? I never heard about it till the mills shut down in Mumbai after which the out-of-job mill workers set up such stalls with wheels to retail the vadas vada mash prepared by their wives at home and fried hot in the street. But now, realizing that the innocuous question was merely to ask for a raise in allowance I graciously reached for my wallet saying, ‘It is all right to eat a pizza once a while’. Shaking his head he actually refused the raise (lucky me?)saying that he never visited the canteen anyway in interest of hygiene so the allowance was more than sufficient. What he was referring was to the Vada Pav as a political strategy of the Marathi Manoos.

The tube light in my head flickered to its brightness as I realized that the local political party which began in the early sixties on the platform of protecting the Marathi Manoos often had its thunder stolen by its break-away fraction. But this time a non-political party stole its thunder. I voiced my remark, ‘Must be very un-nerving for the party to gets its thunder/roar stolen so often today’. ‘Like any other corporate strategy what should the party do for a turnaround?’ son now needled the strategist in me.

“We all know that the best route to a man’s heart is through his stomach whether it is food itself or earning for the food (bhoomiputra reservation).” I began the foundation of my thought process as my son sat cross-legged on the carpet knowing his old man’s rambling would last a long time. “Concentrating on the digestive area” I sounded more like a medical professor, “one has to develop a two pronged approach. Since each Vada Pav has hot chutney containing chillies, perhaps different versions of end products known by the source of chillies should be developed to add variety like Kolhapuri, Solapuri, Puneri etc. Vada Pav.” My son perked up, “To add variety to the monotonous fare”. “Yes” I continued, “including one extreme variety which guarantees to clean out the stomach by the next morning. This can perhaps be marketed even by the Chemists under the name of ‘SC Vada Pav’ – no connection to Scheduled Caste but to stand for Stomach Clearance.” Laughing, my son countered “But Dad, most Vada Pavs would qualify for that name as they already evoke the same reaction.”

Ignoring this remark, I continued, “The Marathi Manoos party has to set up Vada Pav centres at a distance not exceeding 10 meters from each other so that any hungry person will not even think of going far to the nearest Mc Donald or Udipis since they are run by persons originating from outside the state. The cost of establishment will be low as all the stalls will be licensed encroachments on the pavements for pedestrians whose interest anyway has no weight with the authorities. Just imagine Fountain area and Nariman Point lined with Vada Pav Centres. I can envisage the tourists clicking away as this would have no parallel in the world.” My son summarized, “The advertisement on each stall will ensure the party a win in every election and this would be revenue generative. As you mentioned that each international city has a distinctive smell, this is perhaps just what Mumbai needs – a distinctive smell of Vada being fried”.

“Do not forget the employment generation here” I pointed out proudly. “Yes” admitted my son, “even the doctors, whether General Practitioners or Specialists will find more patients lining up.” This froze me, leaving me totally flustered. He pacified me explaining, “Excessive acidity would be addressed by the General Practitioner, while the serious cases of Stomach lining erosion due to the chillies would be taken care by a specialist like may be an Oncologist.” I was open mouthed as he continued, “The vada induced cholesterol will generate increased business for the Cardiologists and Cardiac Surgeons. Even the use of surgical consumables will rise leading to all round employment increase in business and employment of companies manufacturing stents, Heart lung machines, their tubings, post surgery medicine …” he rambled on an on and got more excited as he concluded, “WE HAVE DISCOVERED THE ONLY WAY OUT OFF THE CURRENT RECESSION – SET UP VADA PAV STALLS.” I couldn’t agree more. Are the G-20 members and World Bank listening?

Hoof friendly SRA

I thought it was a routine visit to my old office to meet the new owner and now my new friend the architect. I was glad to note that instead of the usual calm,there as hustle and bustle. Books were opened one after the other, teams were pouring over them, photos of houses were being downloaded from the net each time with the exclamation akin to discovery of the century. Meanwhile, my friend sat in his glass cabin glassy eyed barely recognizing me. I feared for some personal loss in his family. However, he brushed the air with his hand as if he brushed aside my fears and stated,‘Matter of joy that we have won a coveted tender of the Government. I was confused. ‘But you had mentioned that your work will always be design-based and not motivated by profit so what gives?’ He replied, ‘I have not changed my policy. This project demands design innovation & the tender was a mere formality.’ ‘You should have called me before you submitted the tender’ I scolded him reminding him that my costing experience would have helped him as I was pretty sure he must have blundered on the estimates.

Now realizing that I was not pushed into some free consultancy, I calmed down to the extent of being joyful. Slowly I asked him to divulge in utmost confidence if the structure was to be a landmark like the Gateway or some Crystal glass dome. Wide eyed, he replied, ‘In an oblique sort of way. The only problem is that no-one in the world has ever done this before and the time we have to design is so short that we are hunting the world over for an inspiration.’ ‘Cut the suspense and tell me’ I demanded. He shoved a week old paper under my nose and it showed the predicament of slum rehabilitation of an area where existed stables of buffaloes. As the set rule (of Slum Rehabilitation Authority-SRA) demanded flats for the residents, the law consequently had not specified them to be humans hence the predicament. The resident stable owner insisted on implementation of law and since area had to be developed…. ‘You are actually designing flats for buffaloes?’ I was rolling in laughter. After I finished laughing, he told me in a dead pan face, ‘Now the Government is wiser. Some of the plots may have other animals so a ‘generic’ design is needed for flats which are ‘hoof-friendly.’ I was still surprised. Now that we no longer have horses in the city, how many types of hooves can there be? I am aware of an area called Sarkari Tabela (Government stable) in Thakurdwar which is an old part of Mumbai where instead of horses, people are staying. ‘Exactly’ emphasized my friend, ‘Where horses stayed earlier, now people do; so why not the opposite?’

‘Amuse me’ I told him. ‘The approach is scientific’ he started. ‘As buffaloes and other 4 legged creatures are larger, the entrance lobby will have to be 4 times the regular. The lobby will have water troughs to quench them after they come from the day’s work.’ ‘What days work?’ I demanded; ‘You expect them to go to an office?’“Not to office silly” he admonished me. ‘Buffaloes will have to go to a ‘milking centre’. The club house of the society of humans will be converted as milking centres for the society of Buffaloes. Just as a common gym serves lots of buildings in the society, the milking centre will serve all the buffaloes of that society. They will be milked by modern machines’. I understood. ‘Just like the builders advertise modern equipment in their Gyms, you will keep modern milking equipment.’ ‘He replied,‘Yes and it will be totally air-conditioned’. ‘How will you manage about residential area?’ I asked.

‘We are yet finalizing that but I will tell you what we are moving towards’. He detailed, ‘Instead of a staircase, we shall have artificial circular pathways winding up a low incline lined with artificial bushes to mimic a hill which the buffaloes are used to. The area within the circular pathway shall be the ‘Dung deposit’ area where the buffaloes shall do their nature call. From any floor, it will fall to the ground with gravity. Here is where our eco-friendly design starts. No pump is necessary. All the buffaloes have to do, is face their rear over the banister and SPLAT…. gravity takes it to the ground.’ I shuddered as if I was on the ground floor and the buffalo on the 7th floor sent her smelly matter to splat on my head. ‘The ground itself will be sloping’; he continued, ‘to feed a biogas unit in each building. This will provide heat in winter and turn the fans in summer. Channel music which is proved by research to give better yield of milk will be similarly powered.’

‘But you forgot the building regulation of elevators for buildings having more than 4floors’ I nitpicked. He smiled calmly and said, ‘Regular sized elevators are insufficient for even a single buffalo. So we shall put a car elevator where at least 3 buffalos can be carefully transported. Buffalo friendly elevators will have door against which the buffaloes will have to push their horns and the elevator will be called to their floor.’ ‘What will be flat layout?’ I asked. ‘Bare external walls’ he replied. We do not expect any buffalo to demand separate living room and bedroom. There will be a tube through with hay and their food will be fed from the terrace and this too will flow due to gravity.’ ‘The main question is how will the flats be allotted? Do buffaloes have names?’ I asked. ‘That is one question I can answer’ he said. ‘Each flat will bear a number the same as the ear tag placed by the Insurance Company. This is one work already solved for us by the insurance companies.’

I acknowledged, ‘Your plans so far seem to be ‘hoof-friendly’ but what if the SRA is for a poultry farm? Will your plan be claw-friendly?’

Onus of food crisis

The President of a leading country blamed India and China for the world food shortage the world could not dismiss the comments as inane ranting since it is an open secret that an army of researchers regularly spike his speeches with an equivalent force drafting his speech to the punctuation. My typical reaction of an accused being innocent was noticed by my superior at the magazine of health and I was assigned the task to investigate what his researchers had found.

The access to Fort Knox was upfront but locating this department was worse. I took the easy solution of the Internet and located from the blogs not only where the department was physically located but also the specifics of men and women who wrote the speeches. Thanking the power of the internet which once even gave details to build the Atomic Bomb, I started my virtual gastronomic debate.

To the team consisting of Susan the Statistician, Rice, the Economist and Davis Mellon the Marketing Strategist, I introduced the reality of more than half the Indian population remaining hungry. I had a whole portfolio of photos cut from American magazines depicting starving children as representation of the ‘third world’. ‘Pray how do you conclude these starving children whose ribs can even be counted, be considered as gluttonous villains?’ I asked the group in general. The annual meal of these children will not even equal to one day’s breakfast of your children I stated.

Statistician Susan said, ‘Your country defies all our principles of even mathematics. As your population grows, the middle class grows more than proportionately which confuses our statistical models’.

‘Perhaps the inflation pushes the members of the affluent group down to the middle class’ I sneered, which to my surprise provoked Susan to take notes studiously. ‘I still do not understand how increase in the middle class has created the crisis affecting the world’ I persisted.

Rice volunteered walking to the blackboard of the briefing room and drew a time line. ‘Around late seventies you threw all American companies out which we called the Coca Cola boot. Then in late nineties you accepted the World Trade Treaty and opened doors. Our companies invested millions to seduce your middle class’.

‘Why only the middle class?’ I queried volunteering half the explanation that 'perhaps the ones below poverty line may not be able to afford your Mac burgers but why were the affluent ignored?’

Susan shook her head and interjected, ‘Are you not aware that the class you are referring, are usually outside the country most of the time so they cannot buy in India when they are not in India!’ I was incredulous at missing the point while being amazed at the simple logic that had eluded all in India. ‘Can we come back to food crisis? I requested.

Rice explained how the multinationals applied the same economics of scale to reduce selling price. You know – ‘Mass production to get scale of economics. But this has to be instigated by large demand which is chanellised by advertising. So the companies went on the advertising spree targeting the middle class. The corporations diverted their American stock to India.’

Then there was silence as if someone in the room died. I braced for the punch line revealing how Indians were to blame for the food crisis. Mellon spoke for the first time with tremble in his voice which was surprising for his young age. ‘Despite the projections of the marketing pundits which were never off the mark in US of A, the forecasts of sales failed.’ This surprised even me since all our Indian management schools aped the Americans and horror of horrors if we are teaching our brats the wrong stuff. Mellon continued after regaining his breath as a person would do under duress ‘the post mortem study showed that the Indian middle class reacted differently than any person in other countries. They took to the burger and other products as a novelty but still preferred the unorganized sector of the vada pav.’

It took me 5 seconds to understand what he said to set me rolling on the floor. Newspapers had given me the impression that the Mumbai Vada Pav was just being introduced to Delhi but here, it had demolished a multinational onslaught! With tears in my eyes and controlling laughter I stuttered, ‘You mean the humble vada pav of Mumbai won the taste bud competition against the mighty Mac?’ ‘Precisely’ Mellon admonished me. ‘But I have yet not understood how this has led to word food crisis unless the vadas of Mumbai are made from Yankee potatoes’ I asked.

Rice took over to relieve the pressure off Mellon. ‘All the anticipation of work made the corporations divert their local American stock to India where it is now lying unused. Since shipping it back would increase the cost, that is out of the question. As the companies are now cash strapped, they are processing less food this year which has put less food in the market and thus the crisis. If only vada pav went out of fashion’ she concluded.

I was confused. How could the loss or collapse of just one or two food giants trigger the food crisis? Political correspondent Kissinger (no relation to an earlier stalwart by the same name) reminded me how the collapse of just two buildings triggered recession in America and then the whole world. By the same logic….I understood. Buildings and corporations of some countries are so huge that they make a global impact. ‘What will you do next?’ I asked, fearing that they might force us at gunpoint to eat the artery cloggers.

Mellon suddenly found energy and in a non-trembling voice regaled me, ‘We shall import a dozen vada pavwallas from various parts of Mumbai and develop an international dish with their help’. ‘And even copyright it under your name I presume’ I remarked. ‘Why not?’ was the predictable answer.