The Revival Project

Being the 3rd or 4th stand-by speaker at seminars of my Institution was regular and I took the mere opportunity as a compliment. But when a senior IAS officer who was my school mate plonked a thick report for checking on my desk I was not quite happy seeing the title and not the fact that many others had refused to do it. Any subject hot on the headlines spells trouble as good news never hits the headlines. In 2008, when the same airline had declared its half yearly loss, I remember having a discussion with my son on its revival in a light manner. But here, this was deadly serious report I had to leaf through. ‘Why me?’ I whimpered. ‘The consultants before you were not able to finish it before they were taken seriously ill.’ My friend answered. ‘Not cardiac I hope’ I asked remembering that my family on father’s side had a history of this. Instead of feeling assured that it was not cardiac, I was more disturbed when he revealed that all had checked into hospitals for the insane. ‘This report has been developed by an expert study team set up by the aviation ministry under directions of the PMO’ he rattled mumbo jumbo of administrative communication conveying importance of my work.

After he left, I leafed though the report wondering why the sudden support for a company who messed up in its costing. Just then a phone rang and on the line was the young man who had recently started an eatery out of his father’s retirement funds and was experiencing difficulty of survival in mere 3 months. ‘Uncle, since I too am experiencing financial difficulty, can you please see if my name is also included for financial aid for revival of my business?’ That was a typical and normal reaction in a democratic country where all are considered equal – in principal.

The report ended with some direct and precise action for revival. The policy of suggestions hinted at self revival instead of the bailout. Let me share what they were:

1. FUEL: Very rightly, the highest cost element was attacked first. Since this was a volatile element also involving foreign exchange, a radical solution was suggested in view of the group’s diversified business interests. The report founded the solution on the group’s business of making alcohol for drinking. After delving into the technicalities of substitution they arrived at the conclusion that cost of manufacture before excise of the company’s whiskey was Rs. 30 per litre which could be used for fuel. The excise holiday would extend only for 2 years or until the company went into black is what this point ended with.

2. More premium service categories: The Business Class which cost a whooping 400% for just a broader seat and more food, which made you broad in the first place, was not much of an incentive as it did not achieve more than 10% occupancy as per the studied statistics. Therefore the report made a suggestion to make the incentive so exciting as to ensure the travelers would not even dream of cost benefit analysis. Some bizarre sounding suggestions confirmed there are no limits to man’s imagination. One suggestion harped upon the attractiveness of the hostesses which was an acknowledged USP (Unique selling point) of the airlines. After this disclosure, I was scared what direction the report would head. It suggested earmarking selective hostesses for the special class perhaps with a cheer leader type of uniform and call this class the ‘VEP’ class (not VIP). To allay the reader’s misgivings of a typo error, the extended form of VEP was given as ‘Visually Exciting Place’. This suggestion emphasized a normal warning that this service would be selected by males only but then since 80% of the business class were already males so there was not much damage there! This suggestion was rounded off with a costing conclusion that shorter the uniform, lesser would be the purchase cost as well as the cleaning cost.

3. Overnight Parking fee: This was another high cost item in the final accounts of the (any) airlines. Ever since the Airport authority was privatized, the prices shot up was the observation of the report insinuating privatization to be an antisocialist action. Now I was curious how this would be circumvented. First an outlandish plan of creating mere parking near Nagpur as it was the centre of India, was analysed and rubbished. What was suggested was to park these planes at existing airports and convert them into night clubs. Only added cost would be removal of a few seats for ‘comfy club seating’. Suggested entrance fee was placed at 10 times of local ones which would more than recover the parking fees. Off duty hostesses can officially moonlight as bar-tenders etc. in the club. A small alteration in uniform may appropriately remind the patrons to fly with the airlines thus achieving publicity in the process! While the patrons are ‘clubbing’ inside, the technicians can tinker outside maintenance since the plane is just parked there the whole time!

4. Food sponsored: Food was the wrongly touted as the chief cost burden instead of jet fuel for such a long time that whenever any airlines went in for cost cutting, they first decide to leave the passengers hungry. The report suggested the passengers to be fed totally free and that too without any stealing! They relied upon a popular TV serial for cookery and suggested a tie up of the airlines with them. Since the show creates so much food, let it be taken up for tasting by the passengers of the plane. A feedback form will be compulsory and you get non-partial judges giving you a ‘more realistic real T.V. show’. Of course the risk of food poisoning and other medial ailments caused by improperly cooked food or excessive spicy food were also mentioned in this suggestion with a cost saving twist that all such health issues were to be sponsored by a chain of hospitals.

As the remedial measures dropped with the quality of imagination of the study group, I suddenly developed a severe headache. Fearing to join the earlier evaluators at the asylum, I decided to just see the last suggestion. Reading that, gave me such an attack of laughter that anyone would have thought I had really flipped my lid. The last suggestion was that in case all the 170 (yes there were 170) suggestions failed then the last 171st suggestion was to ‘privatise’ the company. Obviously, the study group had copy pasted a report of some public enterprise and ‘borrowed’ a few suggestions. While the rest were after due thought and analysis, this one perhaps escaped the notice of the irony of how to privatise the already private company! The icing of the cake was the details to which the privatization was discussed was till the re-naming of the new company (what else other than) PHOENIX AIRLINES.

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