Cue to Queue

When my boss interrupted my 120 second lunch, I knew it was a bad omen. ‘Why do you think this cash rich organization is resorting to such measured?’ he asked indicating to the charge proposed for queue jumping by a temple trust run by the Government. ‘Perhaps because it is no longer cash rich and due to the downturn in the economy, maybe the hundi collections have gone down despite the footfalls being the same.’ I made sure I always threw in latest management jargons as he often complained I was too old for my job. ‘We too are affected by the downturn in the economy so, investigate how this idea can be adopted to our company’ he uttered as he waved me out off his cabin.

I sat at my desk wondering how a company like ours which was in a highly competitive field of light engineering can apply this idea. As I kept hitting a brick wall, I thought it best to investigate from the source and find how this all started. I called up an old colleague in the Legislative assembly and asked whose brain child it was. He laughed and told me that I would not believe that it was the brainchild of the peon of the honorable minister. ’Huh?’ is all I could respond. It seems the minister’s peon was fired for accepting cash to jump queue of the visitors to meet the minister. There is where the minister got the idea. Still refusing to believe that a lowly peon was the inventor of the VIP darshan fee, I decided to check up history.

Meeting the King

We have often heard of persons seeking audience of the any King to bear gifts. What one never heard was the number of gifts scattered on the way for the benefit of the influential ones like the guards at the town gate, the palace guards etc. The ultimate is the gift to the King as if it is the price paid to him for his ears for the specified period of time. If the first citizen of the kingdom was this corrupt, what can one expect from the lowly subjects?

Ubiquitous Queues in India

Till the present day, the queues are everywhere in India. The ration shop. The lone pipe in the hutment colony. The admission into schools and colleges. On the romantic front, the most attractive girls also has a queue of boys. To jump the queue the one with the biggest diamond as a gift gets her date on valentine’s day! Promotion queues are common in every office. Each senior seat has 500 aspirants. And all of them thought getting in the company was the only queue they had to beat. In each of these cases, there are the imaginative and non-patient few who device methods to jump the queue. The Air traffic Controller of every airport is alleged to benefit a few airlines. The cost of fuel burning waiting for take off is really high cost for the airlines. While this queue jumping is intended for profit, the other queues of soup kitchens is to pacify a growling stomach where acids are poured by the glands merely due to the smell of the soup!

No queue here

I wondered if there was absence of queue anywhere. Though there are scattered few examples, none the less, these examples exist. I was always blessing my forefathers for the surname to start low down when there were oral (verbal) examinations in the school. The methodology of the teacher would be revealed by the ones who had finished first while I was nicely in the last 5 of the class. It gave time for last minute revision. Here, no-one in his right mind would want to jump the queue!

However, there is one solitary case where when one reaches the head of the queue, one prefers to give way to the person behind. This is no reflection of any chivalry but a selfish act. This is the place where you are standing in queue to the door of death. Here is where no-one wants to jump the queue forward; but would gladly jump the queue backwards.

Taxing Attitude

The person who conjures up names for taxes may not be the same person who designs new taxes is a definite conclusion since it would be rare to find a living person with dual lobotomy. That was my line of thought when my son had asked, ‘Are taxes named after the source of the tax or the area funded by the tax?’ Wow. He had analysed it more than I had, perhaps being of the age where the pinch of Income tax, Wealth Tax or even sales tax did not overcome all other analytical senses of the harried taxpayer. Frankly, India rarely named their taxed under any logic other than the source of the tax…. like Income Tax, Sales Tax, Excise etc. Not sparing even the dead, it restrained from calling it the death tax or inheritance tax in which case, it would clearly offend the already grieving relatives, but named it the Estate Tax. We had however a recent ‘Education Cess’ which implied the field of beneficiary which after a year of operation revealed non funding of education.

‘Why is an attitude taxed in US now?’ my son messed up my foregone conclusions. ‘Perhaps, the Banks paid bonus to their Managers despite taking a bailout package from the US Taxpayers which is not a responsible act.’ I summarized. ‘Then it is more appropriate to call it the IRRESPONSIBILITY TAX’ he remarked.

This innocuous observation startled me into the realization that while commercial transactions were hitherto subject to taxation, now, attitudes are subject to taxation. The ball is set rolling by a person none less in stature than the President of United States! When USA does something, it has a far reaching impact all over the world not sparing even India where it is common to denote currency in millions and not just in crores. Perhaps some old fines and penalties may be also renamed even in India as we attempt emulation of USA. Indian tax penalties may perhaps be named as Evasion fee or Concealment fee or dishonest reporting fee? ‘What scares me is the imagination of the taxing authority’. I muttered. In India, cricket is being considered as entertainment just for the levy of additional tax. After the initiation of Responsibility Tax in USA, our legislators will have a free hand and even have new taxes and formats of calculation. They need not hide their fetish needs behind the garb of an established tax. How wild the imagination will run cannot be predicted but we can certainly forecast the definite ones.

Name of the tax: Eye Refreshment Tax

If cricket is entertainment then the Cheerleaders are certainly not sport. Since watching them is a pleasure to most men, watching them should be taxed. This is expected to be calculated as a percentage of payment to the cricket cheerleaders. The number of inches exposed above the knee, or below the neck, will be the basis of the tax. The higher the distance of the start of the uniform from the knee or neck, (slab per centimeter) the higher will be the tax.

Name of the tax: CO2 Tax (also dubbed as alive and breathing tax)

This will be the first tax to be introduced by the Ministry of environment in this century. To be levied per nose. Penalty for contributing to the carbon dioxide of the atmosphere by merely breathing out the Carbon Dioxide. Rates will be highest in metros and none in villages as it is assumed that only farmers live there and since agriculture is never taxed, so, this shall not extend to the villages. The rest of the world is expected to be ‘gasping’ at the innovative spirit of India to contain the Green House effect.

Name of the tax: Aloof witness fine

While some countries are making it compulsory for witnesses to a crime to aid the victim, we shall make that a money spinner instead. All witnesses will pay a token fine for not involving themselves to save the victim. Exempt categories will be the Police and Cabinet ministers. Since Police always arrive last on the scene as depicted in the Hindi movies, it is assumed they are not witness to any incident. Cabinet ministers are busy running (the country) and therefore cannot stop to aid any individual. Rates will vary with the extent of injury with the highest if the victim dies. A ready reckoner will be published each year with the Financial Budget.

Name of the tax: Nil Findings Fine. (also dubbed as Honesty fine)

A survey of the Income Tax and Customs department revealed that 80% of the surveys and raids resulted in nothing unearthed officially. The high cost of such survey/raid had to be borne by the department and thus the citizens till date. Being unfair, the appointed foreign management consultancy firm suggested expenses be recovered from the surveyed/raided person itself. So, in case you are under survey and nothing is found due to your honesty and good housekeeping, a daily charge will be levied. Rates for raids will be 10 times the survey rates since a larger team is mobilized and transport cost is additionally incurred by the Department.

After all the taxes and fines, if you are able to survive, I am sure someone will develop a ‘survival surprise tax’ since it would surprise the authorities how you were able to find money for survival after paying such taxes and fines. Trust me, this is not far from reality because once the corporate tried using every legal angle to save tax and the authorities came up with Minimum Alternate Tax. Since we are working to earn and pay all these taxes, I do not think any one of us should display any resistance since we are earning for the Government anyway.

Wages for an Honest Rest

‘Being in the first batch of the new syllabus, I could sympathize with some of the spelling error though I must admit they created havoc in Maths but now the economics text book has got its facts awfully wrong’ muttered my son to no-one in particular as he threw down a text book. Being the only other human in the room I assumed I was intended to hear his words and thus asked him the cause of his frustration. He opened his text book and pointed out to the first sentence on a chapter on factors on production which was on ‘Wages’. ‘It is defined wrongly as compensation for work done’ he complained. I was confused. ‘But son, even the Webster and your more familiar Wikipedia will also define it similarly so what ails you so gravely?’ ‘People also get wages to rest at home’ he dropped a bomb. I pondered and started laughing. ‘You call that pension my dear boy and not wage. Besides it is cut during the productive period of the worker.’ I thought I pacified him. Hands on hips he declared that his knowledge on the subject of was not as lame as not to be aware of the concept of pension. ‘Today, India is perhaps the only country which pays wages for an honest rest at home for periods as much as 3 years. So do not tell me that this is the leave period during which the worker gets wages.’ Seeing the puzzled look on my face he slid the paper in front of me which had carried this news in an inside page which I has missed having dismissed it as a mess of red tapism. Here now was a ‘living’ example of a Private sector organization paying salary to 600 employees to sit at home. ‘Should I aim to get employed in such wonderful organizations?’ my son dropped a bomb.

As I read the news I appreciated that even the new school of economics had to be abandoned perhaps to be more rightly replaced by a Modern School of Indian Economics. Since I searched the net and did not find any parallel examples in other countries of a similar action for such volume of employees and such period of time, I had to restrict this new school to the territory of India. As an optimist I would like to view every situation with an eye of opportunity and now I fancied myself in the ‘dream team’ of the new school of Indian Economics. As I mused, I thought it best to jot down a few instances of Indian wages paid for no work done. Believe me, in India there was no dearth of examples in all sectors. However, such category of persons were actually already employed in organsiations for which they received the wages though their labour was in other fields.

1. Every body’s boss: All of us have bosses who get work done through us and other exploited colleagues while taking the credit for themselves. All of us remember the frustration when a Europe tour was gifted to him for a work done by us – his juniors. To add insult to the injury such an action has sanction of all the management schools by calling such hijack of credit as – delegation.

2. Most Government offices in the city: Whenever we needed to meet any person in an emergency, we never could find such identified person at his desk. In fact on a floor of 10,000 square feet there would be perhaps a maximum of one person at his/her desk. Such a person would have a standard answer to any query ‘I do not know anything. I am new here.’

3. Festival days: On days before and after Diwali, persons in departments interfacing with vendors are mysteriously found at their desks not doing any actual work. However they even do the unmentionable of liaison with accounts department to settle the outstanding payments to the vendors who shall feel instant gratification for an action they had shirked on the plea of matter of ‘other department’.

4. Housing Society Watchman: The watchman is never at his post when some visitor has parked in your designated parking place. His plea is that he is at the water pump when the trespass occurred. This situation occurs unless you are elected as Chairman of the Society. So much for democracy where all citizens are equal.

5. Any police complaint (non murder): When you greet the comfortably sitting and gossiping gentlemen you are supposed to feel guilty for spoiling their party, is the look you get, In case you did not get the point, after listening to your précis of the matter, you are asked to ‘settle the matter with the other party/insurance’ which stops at their noting. If you still want to persist in the matter, suddenly the men in uniform become philosophical extolling the virtues of forgiveness and release from material items of this world. Whatever be their method, it all aims at ensuring we do not start any work for them. Ever seen the smug faces when you get convinced by them and leave without escalating the matter?

I am currently building a team to start a website called ‘phukatpagarnaukri.com. I am sure I can sit back and rake in the moolah as there will be many takers. The only catch is that which employer will admit his listing under this website with a name as blatant as this.

Profit by Chance

Before I could even get a chance to learn anything about carbon credits, my son asked me a question. Since one asks questions only to those we hold in high esteem of knowledge, I did not want to lose face; as it would be lost forever. ‘Dad, how did Arcelor get excess credits? Is it life imitating art or art imitating life?’ He was referring to a serial I never saw, entitled ‘Sukh by chance’. ‘Son, accidents happen’ I pacified him. ‘In your career have you seen such errors in audit?’ he asked point blank. I hummed a bit and realized that I had indeed seen few instances of small amounts being deposited in wrong depositor’s account. But what took the cake was when ECS (Electronic clearing system) was introduced when the software vendors responded in a hurry and company dividends were deposited even in closed accounts. In our audit through the computer, these accounts showed up as sore thumbs. However, a similar large amount was admittedly rare.

‘If the company is in steel manufacturing, it must be using fossil based energy generating high heat. So how does such energy glutton smoke belching unit get credit?’ ‘Perhaps it is due to the effort taken to reduce the colour of the belching smoke’ I joked. ‘I get it’ answered by son brightening up my day with the hope that his questions would be finished. ‘Some organization does the calculation of what pollution is prevented and credits are given.’ I nodded, trying to pick up the newspaper to continue my reading. ‘Where do you suppose the calculation went wrong in these days of computers with floating 14 decimal points in the ALU of the chip?’ Now he had bombarded me with the Information Technology mumbo jumbo. ‘I doubt very much if computer were used for calculation of such a task at such an early stage. I think they used only calculators’. I speculated. ‘And were the calculators ever wrong?’ he demanded. ‘They were not wrong since they were marketed’ I pacified him but we had seen genuine revenue gains for our clients when the discounted bills of exchange were of high amounts running into hundreds of crores.’ ‘So?’ the predicted question came and I paused for effect. ‘The Bank clerk used to be working on an eight digit calculator and never noticed the extra digits not being accepted by the calculator as he used to look at the register only and punch almost blindly.’ We both burst out laughing at the silliness of the situation which translated into lacs of unexpected gain for some. We summarized that since the companies under Arcelor were so many, the calculations must have pushed even a 25 digit calculator (if there is one) to its limit and thus the error. ‘So it pays to be large’ my son remarked stopping my mirth with the dead serious philosophy which countered my favorite one which was, size does not matter.

‘Is a carbon credit worth in money?’ came the fundamental question. ‘I guess so’ I replied. ‘Will he sell the credits?’ asked my son. ‘That is the idea’ I replied. ‘The one not cutting pollution will have to buy the credits and only then he will be permitted to carry on belching pollutants.’ ‘You mean that now we shall see advertisements inviting people to buy such certificates?’ my son concluded. I realized that now this was a new opportunity for advertising agencies to start a specialized ‘Carbon’ department of creativity. My son looked at me with disbelief. ‘Do you mean to say that people will actually sell these certificates so that some others can carry on polluting the world?’ I did not know what to say to this.

‘Perhaps we should endeavor to get carbon credits of our own so that we too can sell our credits and become millionaires’. My son’s bright idea now blossomed. ‘Perhaps you can come up with how non-factory owners like us can get carbon credits’ I pre-empted my responsibility to scratch my head. He scratched his head and came up pointing a finger at a small space near the window we called balcony and said, ‘We can get credit for those four pots of plants Mom has planted.’ I looked at the one broken pot of weeds and a rusty oil tin sprouting a thorny stem of a rose without a rose and shook my head saying, ‘too small to account for any credit whatsoever.’ He continued, ‘whenever we went for a picnic, we used to relieve ourselves near a tree. I know for sure we were adding fertilizer for the benefit of the tree. It will be our right to get credit to reduce the green house gasses by helping a tree grow stronger and taller.’ I advised him to make a list of such actions and maybe we can check on the internet if there is any advisory list on credit qualifications.

‘Do you predict economic downturn after 2 years?’ my son asked as he sat to jot the list I asked him to. ‘Dear fellow, we are hoping to recover from the present downturn and you are suspecting another downturn? I must speak to your economics subject lecturer.’ I almost scolded him. ‘You had yourself written earlier’ my son reminded me, ‘that, now and even in the 80’s, the downturn came after the real estate had heated up’. ‘If you are referring to the Dubai Company then let me assure you that Indian companies may not get affected though the workforce will and we will have exodus of overseas labour.’ He summarized the situation, ‘in Dubai they were reclaiming land from the sea. This has worked in the past like in Mumbai Marine drive and Nariman Point where the buyers are mostly commercial. Even Japan has reclaimed land for airport. But in Dubai, it was done in a fancy shape for commercial profits expected immediately and highly levered.’ ‘If we agree there is no real estate heating up, where is the concern?’ I demanded blindly. ‘Carbon credits’ he answered. I waited for the clarification and it came. ‘Isn’t this, making money out of thin air?’ The basic truth hits always below the belt and believe me, it hurts.

My son had effectively identified a scam of Global Proportions with the official seal of many countries. My mind raced to the future of carpet baggers and scamsters. We are the country where the stock exchange scams have taken place as well as the stamp paper where money was literally stamped. Horrors of horror, this is a legitimate conjuring of thin air to currency. When this is the official version I cannot even imagine what the scamsters will develop for this market.

Not at Nariman Point

As my friend’s office was moving to the suburbs, I went to help him. Ironically, he was the one who sniffed snootily years earlier, when he found out I was locating my office at a central suburb. Perhaps reading my mind, he gruffly said, ‘It is the issue of property taxes.’ I consoled him saying that all businesses have their ups and downs and we were in the middle of recession so no-one looses face today.

Amidst the packed boxes in his cabin, were seated a few worried visitors waiting for him. He waived me to the top of crate which thankfully took my weight with only a few creaks. One guest in a sports jacked broke the ice pleading to my friend not to vacate the premises. I summarized him to be the Landlord. ‘Please re-consider your decision’ he pleaded, ‘this place has a beautiful view of the sea and it has proved real lucky for you.’ How he realized the place to be lucky was evident cause my friend readily paid the increase in rent at the renewal of each eleven month contract. ‘But the property tax is too high and not within my budget’ countered my friend. Now the sports jacket tried to plea like an exploited person, ‘On the rent you pay me, I am already paying 20% TDS and also service tax. And at the end of the year, I pay Income Tax. Virtually half the rent you pay me is paid to the Government otherwise I would have borne it.’ He was so emotional about it that I bent forward to see if he had tears in his eyes.

‘Don’t make us the villain’ spoke the other guy. ‘We are bound by law set up in 1881.’ Now all of us started laughing. My friend observed, ‘Are you aware that we achieved independence more than 60 years after the law was set up and more than 100 years have elapsed after the statute was enacted? Situation has changed so much over the years and this city was not the same when the statute was passed.’ This made the man sheepish who replied, ‘I am a small man and not aware whether my seniors can initiate such a change.’ ‘But why are you here?’ asked my friend. ‘To persuade you to stay and not leave. After all, the Queen’s necklace is the landmark of the city and Nariman Point is the LOCKET of the necklace!’ He replied showing his visiting card stating he was the PRO. ‘What difference does it make to you?’ he was asked. Giving a PRO smile which seemed weird for a Corporation representative, he answered, ‘If everyone leaves this place then the corporation’s revenue will plummet. That is why my department was set up.’ I asked him, ‘Mr. PRO, instead of starting a department of Public relations, do you not think efforts would be better directed to making practical law or amending it to suit the present circumstances? After all, even the constitution of India has been amended so many times for the sake of practicality so your statute in comparison is less fundamental for the country.’

Looking over the packing list of his office, my friend pushed the ultimate threat, ‘If you hound us out off the city we may even shift to another state decreasing the revenue of not only your corporation but also the state itself.’ The PRO shrugged his shoulders saying that the politicians of the state were in a state of flux over the seat sharing so no-one was running the Government at the moment. The landlord had his hand in his head as he said that now his account with the Bank would be downgraded and there were many like him. Unfortunately that sent me into peals of laughter. All looked at me wonderstruck at my insensitive reaction to a person predicting his bankruptcy. Shaking off their misunderstanding, I said, ‘Over the last 2 decades the recessions have followed a heated (inflated) real estate market. Even the recent recession had the same symptoms. Now you are telling me that a property tax will be the cause of the immediate next recession? Perhaps only now, have we have grasped the power of real estate.’

Truth Thru Telephony (T3)

‘Go to the telephone company’ grunted my boss one day. I almost believed I was back in my junior days of a trainee when I was asked to visit the telephone company for disputed amounts in the bill. But a quick reality check brought me back to the morning meeting of the office and my chair just third from the Chairman. I started getting red in the face when the Strategy Manager of New Technologies stood up to explain that they were having problems with one telephone company and in such cases ‘we seniors’ always pitch in. ‘What is there to it? I agreed to visit them immediately as my mind scanned the names of my contacts who was a qualified telecom engineer at a senior level for some back-up.

The car stopped at a SEEPZ located building with the name of the company emblazoned on it. Underneath the logo was a quote from Mahatma Gandhi about Truth being all powerful. I acknowledge the logo of T3 and waved myself brazenly fast to the chambers of the CEO. ‘Our advertising company asked your help’ he introduced me to the problem. This confused me more because we were into strategy design and advertising agencies came much much later. I never realized that the tail could wag the dog. ‘Tell me more’ I barked trying to hide my confusion.

‘We were in the business of cellular telephony technology. We were developing products to extract more out of the bandwidth and increase the range of each tower to lower the costs of the service provider’ he started the prologue of his issue. ‘One day, the Directors asked us to develop some specialization to distinguish us from others as an IPO was planned. We went to the market and purchased the software which predicted the death of the caller to the emergency department’. ‘No commercial value’ I sighed as the market would be all government departments in all countries and they would not even let the company get the return on investment for next 100 years. ‘We knew that but our technicians wanted the source code to tweak it’. ‘Tweak it?’ I wondered it was an errant boy whose ears could be tweaked.

‘Tweaking is what we call when we innovate’ his words reminded me of a management lecture decades earlier. Here he was translating contemporary lingo into old terms for me, making me suddenly feel older. ‘If that is a legal issue then we are not the right ones to advice you’ I tried to get away from the assignment I had still not understood. ‘On the contrary, we were immensely successful’ he beamed pushing a file in front of me.

In that file was the history of ‘innovations made’ from the single application which could be used only by emergency departments. Now, if the client used their contraption between their telephone and ear, they could read on the monitor whether the caller was speaking the truth! ‘And the problem is?’ I asked him. ‘The agency cannot fathom what to communicate’ he replied. I laughed so much that I had tears and it was a long time since I had laughed so much without any alcohol. When I calmed down I realized that the problem was of plenty. The end uses were so much that our role of strategists was inevitable. I started jotting down for the client.

‘The maximum use and where there is not likely to be price sensitivity will be the Banks, and all Creditors which would include all businesses. When their customers or Bank borrowers say ‘cheque is in the mail’ their monitors will display NO CHEQUE DRAWN YET’ I drew the first campaign outline for a period of 2 months. ‘Next put your monitor in the shape of a heart and market it to the teens for finding out what truth their potential partners are speaking.’ Though I was on the roll, he interjected. ‘We can also tweak our product to translate the words of a female because we all know that females say one thing but mean another.’ Seeing my puzzled face he gave an example, ‘If the boyfriend asks if she will come for a weekend to Khandala, she would say no but the monitor would say, ONLY IF YOU BRING PROTECTION. This way we can even jazz up their romance.’ My jaw was still in the same open position.

I continued, ‘You can make the red telephone copy of what the US President had as hotline to the Russian Premier and ensure that at this high level diplomatic words are translated’. His eyes widened as he calculated mentally the number of countries in the world and said, ‘You mean that when the neighbor President promises to take care of insurgents the monitor will display FAR FROM STOPPING THEM, I WILL HELP THEM FIND ANOTHER ROUTE UNTIL MY SPONSOR PULLS ME UP.’ I sipped the lemon tea that his peon had brought in and reminded him that he would need to restructure his company as he was poised for a leap frog in growth to a multinational status overnight. If I were speaking to him on the phone he would see on his monitor, CALLER ENLARGING HIS PROJECT TO INCREASE FEES. But I was not on the phone and he appreciated my point as he asked me to send a proposal that would permit us to cover revenue of the next five years in one month.

As I left his office I started sweating in fear after realizing that this machine was beyond the truth serum or narco test. Each time I would answer my wife that I was busy in the office while sipping drinks at a bar, if she had this monitor I would be done for. Other cheating husbands would be in a fix as they would never convince their wife that their secretary was good at short hand only. I wondered if on the brighter side, this would make the society a bit more truthful and moral. But I was more confident in the imagination and ‘innovative’ spirit of man when some other company would develop a device that would convert all the signals conveying warning about untruth statements to truth. After all, more than three decades ago when the US police used laser systems to catch speeding vehicles, the speed lovers could buy devices that warned them of such speed checks before they were caught. The game of chess continues…………..

Chinese Chatter

When things seem hunky dory you have to get suspicious especially if you are an unlucky, exploited person as me is what I learnt. I was sitting in the cabin of the editor eating Chinese food with him which was an honour because on all previous occasions, I was in the cabin to be on the receiving end of his raving and ranting making me wonder why my teachers gave me so high marks in languages to spur me in the career of journalism. ‘You like Chinese food I hope’ he said in a grammatically wrong statement. I converted that statement in my mind to a clearly worded rhetoric and concluded that he wanted a ‘Yes’ even though I strongly suspected it was packed by a street vendor. I guess amy vinegar is strong enough to hide many culinary fallacies.

‘I am elevating your assignment’ he announced munching on a Gobi Bonda dipped in sweet and sour sauce pretending it is a vegetable ball. I almost did not believe my ears that after three years of merely copy check I was getting an assignment. ‘I hope your passport is still valid’ he added. Now I was beginning to feel faint with excitement. ‘Your passport says you were born in Hong Kong’ the Boss said. As they had taken a copy of it at the time of recruitment, they knew.

‘What is the assignment?’ I asked hoping I could meet Obama or even knock on 10 Downing Street. That is when my world came crashing. ‘You are to investigate the issue of Chinese Visa on paper for Indians’. I think after a 10 minute gap of shock I found my voice. ‘Sir, they give that visa only to border residents and I am not.’ That is when he started to guffaw. I had read the word ‘guffaw’ but never seen it in action. ‘Your POB is HK so that was on the border when you were born which is well inside their territory since last decade’. I realized that in the quest to a better assignment, boss had literally sent me in front of the firing squad. I was to specifically ask why the Chinese are upto these kind of tricks. Why they are stamping visa on a paper to be stapled to the passport instead of the pages of the passport designated for the purpose. I hoped the Chinese Embassy would not grant me a visa which unfortunately it did, prompting me to write my will which was simple as only my PF was to be bequeathed to my one and only.

At the Chinese customs, I noted a queer policy. While the Americans walked in with 70 mm movie cameras, journalists and any person remotely connected with the press of any nation was given the body search and all cameras and voice recorders were confiscated. ‘How do I record the reactions of your honourable officers?’ I asked as I bid bye to my small inexpensive Chinese made digital camera though bearing brand of another country. The officer pointed to my pen and gestured writing action in air. Wow I thought, these guys understand English but do not speak which made it illogical.

I had already taken appointment with the Bureau of Unrestricted Licensed Leavers, Settlers, Home people, Immigrants, and Travelers. It was easy to find with its English abbreviation written on the building in 10 foot characters as BULL SHIT. One must appreciate that long names have to be abbreviated no matter how the abbreviation sounds. Unlike other countries, instead of bureaucrats, this department was run by the Army which was easy to guess as all wore uniform. The receptionist was a gruffy male who looked at my paper of appointment confirmation as well as my passport. I wondered if he expected I would illegally come into the country to meet an officer of BULL SHIT. ‘Room 217 Comrade Lee Ping’ were the only words I could understand even though others were also English. I was escorted by a young marching soldier who left me in front of Room 217. I knocked on the door to hear something gibberish in Chinese and opened it. Addressing the only one visible behind a desk I asked, ‘Mr. Ping?’ He shook his head to indicate a no and pointed to the area not visible to me from that position and said, ‘I am Juan Pong he is Ping.’ I realized that this country has a reason why they created world class Ping Pong players – they were born for it.

I steeled in front of Mr. Ping. As I took out my pad for writing which was so graciously permitted by the customs, he took out a folder with my name on it. I asked him what it contained. He replied, ‘Answers to all your questions’. I was flummoxed. ‘But I have not even asked you a single question yet?’ I protested. ‘That is the problem with your country with that Right to Information Act etc. Here, we are ready with answers before the questions even germinate in your mind.’ he replied crossing out a line which I could read marked as ‘1’. Now I understood that they had taken tact to the next level.

I attacked the issue upfront. ‘Why are you not issuing visas on the pages of the passport instead of the via media of paper visa?’ He smiled and traced his finger on answer no. 9 of his sheet indicating I was jumping issues and answered, ‘there are few reasons for that. The first reason is that your paper is too small for our visa and it is of a quality that smudges our ink. Besides, when you seek our appreciators of visitors, you discriminate against them.’ I shook my head saying, ‘I doubt very much we have the habit of asking our citizens for their papers on the streets.’ ‘What about the border issues?’ I was trying to finish my job fast. Turning over the page his finger settled on answer no. 26 and replied, ‘Borders are lines on land that is continually moving in the Himalayan ranges. Your own geography books talk of moving plates of the continent. When the land moves, so does the line. But you do not seem to find that logical.’ That made me gawk at him mouth open. He misunderstood my expression as questioning his answer and said, ‘This answer has been sent to us by the Department Of General’s Bureau Assisted & Regularised Knowledge (DOG BARK)’. I was getting nowhere. My boss would have my hide if I persisted in this bureaucracy.

I threw my pad in the bag and said, ‘Let us go off the record’ hoping I would get some meaty matter which I would memorise and write later. Mr. Ping said, ‘Good’ and took out another folder. I looked at him with a questioning look and he answered, ‘this contains answers to your off the record questions.’ I sighed.

‘We feel you are trying to expand your territory-after Tibet Arunachal Pradesh?’ I risked getting shot. His hospitable demeanor predictably disappeared. ‘Can you not see that people of Arunachal have our eyes and not yours? You misunderstood what the British handed over to you and us. We are settling the issue slowly.’ He replied, slowly pushing some official photographs of their 60 year celebration across the table. ‘The world said you are intimidating the world with your strength much like what Germany did before the World War II.’ I intimidated him. ‘Do our comrade girls intimidate you and make you quake in fear?’ I stared at the skirted girls with hems 12 inches above the knee and admitted that emotion evoked was not fear but something else.

‘Let us not hide behind the hems of the skirts’ I protested. ‘What is your intention on the territory issue?’ In the second folder he turned over to the last page to answer me. ‘Why are you looking at the recent events only? We have plans that span decades. You are sleepy there. Why do you think your citizens are liking Chinese food? We are trying to acclimatize them to our way of life.’ I was aghast. ‘You mean the Chinese restaurants are your agents?’ ‘We prefer to call them ‘Agents of Gastronomy’ and they are our most important part of cultural export. In other countries we also send our circus.’ I was reminded of a Bond movie where the villain’s organisation was fronted by a circus. I spluttered, ‘You mean noodles are your Trojan Horse?’ ‘Don’t you love it?’ he asked. ‘We even introduced our Northern Province cuisine of Shezvan to appeal to your fiery tongues.’ ‘Do you think we will go down without a fight?’ my nationalist pride surfaced. He looked at me and I swear it sounded like the guffaw of my boss. ‘You are known as Diplomats and what Diplomats do is only talk. We are showing you the newly shifted LOC and what are you doing so far? Only talking’. His reply made me think un-parliamentary words for the persons working there. Now he chuckled and educated me, ‘You had mooted the WTO treaty and we flooded your streets with Chinese goods which the public had to lap up due to the ridiculously low cost items made by our comrades. You even welcomed us in your homes in the form of Fung Shoi Admit it, All of you are so used to Chinese things, that you will even appreciate Chinese Government.’

I think I must have fainted because the next thing I knew, I was strapped in a plane which was dark inside. I started sweating thinking I was being sent to a reforming camp in Mongolia. After the plane landed, the Chinese Air hostess helped me deplane. I closed my eyes trying not to see the airport’s name in Chinese Character. However, curiosity got the better of me and I opened my eyes slowly to realize I was in India. Frankly I did not know whether to be happy or not.