Convict of use

‘ When commercial BPO employees were found to have perpetuated fraud in the past despite the best security measures, what will be expectation of a BPO run from a Jail?’ asked my son reading the day’s news. I too could not avoid smiling at the irony of the practices of KYE (Know your employee) where other companies made sure their employees did not have criminal records. When the BPO was run by a jail, the qualification to be an employee itself would be to be in jail. How then will they twist the standards of KYE?

The administration issues of such an operation will be quite different from that of known enterprises. What the Jail Administration will have to face is ‘oversupply’ of labour as all Indian jails are known to be overcrowded. Next, the computers will require appropriate clean air conditioned environment. To have a floor without rats and cockroaches running is a luxury for the inmates and since the computer area will be perhaps not only be clean but also carpeted, it will seem like fantasy for most and they will definitely jostle to be appointed to be working there. Since the computer programmers as well as BPO employees are known to have casual dress as the norm, I am sure Mr. Raju will recommend that and the operators will climb out of their uniforms to something more casual!

Those with insomnia due to rats running over them in their sleep can find haven doing the night shift. The cost of dropping home, the BPO staffers will be saved, as the operators will just have to ‘stroll’ over to their work zone that too, under heavy security.

If the ‘experiment’ is a success (and there is no reason why it should not) perhaps all Jail PBOs will do more business than commercial ones. Soon, even the Police will have less work as persons committing a crime no matter how petty, will walk in the nearest police station to confess. It would later transpire that the crime is just an excuse to get into jail to do some BPO work instead of remaining unemployed outside. Very soon, the police stations will be dubbed as BPO Employment centres.

Very soon, the graduation class will have atleast one orientation day for the students to learn how to commit a crime sufficient enough to gain entry into jail an act which should be supported by some bumbling lawyer.

All this should logically make the tax burden higher but in the long run, these jails will make so much money that our taxes will be lowered.

When one BPO exercise tastes success, the Jail authorities will think of a way to employ better, the blue collared criminals. Since the BPO has a Bank as the first customer (see news) a Bank will also be the first customer for the blue collared inmates – to collect overdues. It is naturally more effective when a known criminal gang calls up a defaulting borrower who will sweat just hearing the name and knowing rest of the gang members are still outside the jail.

Consultancy firms will have a field day advising various jails of which best commercial service model they should use. I am sure they will develop more than blue and white collared category and we shall see reference to purple collared too as a reference to with their hand in the till. Here is where my musing stops with the picture of guilty persons of Common Wealth Games. When the dirty dozen are jailed, what commercial activities are they suitable for? Jail Olympics? If so, then surely the high jump will not feature there because during practice, inmates will surely jump over the wall of the jail itself.

Question of Allowances

‘Every time you do accounts, it gives me tension’ declared my son. ‘For a person who is a Chartered Accountant, doing accounts related work is part of the profession so you will have quite a tension to live my son’ I explained to him the bare fact. ‘I am worried how much I will have to earn once I start, ….. to pay you back’ he wailed. Surprised at his narrow interpretation of my fatherhood, I opened my mouth to lecture him that I was not his moneylender each time I spent on his college and textbooks when he pointed at the news item where a son repaid his father for expenses incurred for rearing him. ‘It is just a tax avoidance action which you may have failed to read that such a tactic was disallowed’ I dismissed. However, he made the comment of studied insight, ‘This allowance may have been rejected, but it will spawn numerous more attempts and some will have to eventually pass the strict interpretation of Income Tax authorities.’ I had to admit, that statistically speaking, some of the fired salvos of the future would penetrate the defenses. That made me muse on the possible allowances and approach to devising allowances as expenditure.

* Meritorious allowance (for going beyond the call of duty): Normally given to certain personal secretaries, also given to understudy or apprentices following the footsteps of Monica Lewenski.

* Married man’s bachelor allowance: Definitely to be given to those married men who are sent away from their homes for more than a week on official work. This allowance is meant to be spent on cost of compensation paid to third party for work normally done by the absent spouse.
* Top Management Tension reduction allowance: It is well known that the top management of all companies takes the risk of decisions. This creates tension and to unwind, they have to go beyond the country club and golf course. Visits to exotic countries and nightclubs with liters of alcohol to soothe the nerves are the intension of such allowances, thus enabling them to carry on the good work for the benefit of the company.

* Honesty allowance: This allowance is to make a level playing field in certain administrative departments especially of the Government where certain postings have no potential of ‘extra’ earnings. Since honesty is enforced by the posting itself, such an allowance will keep the employee happy and no official would mind being posted from the airport to any other area as the allowance shall compensate!

Obsession About codes

‘Are we progressing or regressing?’ my son asked interrupting my study of the Direct Tax code news printed in the front page of the newspaper. ‘For more than 50 years we had a decent name for the Income Tax – ACT which is another word for a statute’ he opened his topic of query. I was thankful that he was not directing my thoughts from the main topic of the day and next few days. ‘What precisely ails you?’ I asked now knowing how deep I was to go. ‘Does not code mean that it has to be de-coded before understanding?’ he asked. ‘Humm’ I pondered, ‘I suppose you are right because all our emailed encrypted or coded files have to be de-crypted to be read by the receiver, so that is the standard procedure.’ ‘Then why is a statute called a code?’ he asked in all innocence. My knee jerk reaction perhaps painted the truth as I replied, ‘For all these years, all of us-Accountants and Lawyers were busy trying to interpret the Act by fighting our opinion in the Tribunal of Income Tax or Courts. So perhaps the Lawmakers decided to recognize that the ir communication is in fact a code!’ I quickly looked around to see if anyone was listening, as I realized only after the words were out of my mouth, what they actually implied.

That made me muse about where else the word code could be aptly applied.

Divine Demat

The month of July is always busy for us Chartered Accountants so it was no surprise to find us working late in the office. I just completed e-filing a return which had failed 3 times for some reasons and went through with lot of prayer. ‘Got a second for me, my son?’ a voice asked in such a volume that I thought it was coming from inside my head. I looked at the dark side of the room and saw an old man standing. Since he identified himself to be God, quite some time was spent to prove that to me that it was not just a surname.

Assuming my time had come to leave this world as any CA would hope for-with his boots on, after filing all the client’s returns, I thanked him for a good life on earth. He smiled, ‘Son, your duty on earth is unfinished so I cannot yet take you in.’ I did not understand so he pointed to the news paper on the desk which proclaimed High Court’s order of debarring Demat account for Hindu Gods. ‘I am a mere mortal while you have greater powers than me.’ ‘You forget my son that in every Hindu Soul lies a God and you have umpteen stories from your grandfather when you were young’ he reminded me. He complained that for centuries, they owned property on earth much beyond the temples that housed them. Their land was tilled and poor were given food to eat. He regaled me on the antique jewellery owned by them to the 20th Century India where even the Gods paid wealth tax!

‘Tell me as a CA, if we are handed PAN Numbers, why not the Demat?’ he asked. I read from the news report, ‘A judge here said that you may not have the acumen to manage a Demat account’ I almost choked as I read it. ‘You think demat was your invention? Who put that idea in your head in the first place? He demanded and I could not agree more. ‘What I think is the fear of Directorship’ He speculated. ‘Huh?’ I was confused. ‘Son, with shares of greater numbers comes seat of Directorship and no matter how talented your mortal Directors are, including the technical Directors, our suggestions will be the only ones that will be accepted because of their success.’ I agreed because only the Gods would know the future. He continued, ‘So if two brothers are fighting over their corporate kingdom, we shall ensure that one is banished to the forest for 14 years while the other continues his reign in peace till his turn comes to live in the forest.’ That will take out the excitement of the Indian Corporate Board is the only thought in my head. ‘Besides, we have specialized Gods who will lead corporate to their new heights of success’ he tried to fill my head with arguments in their favour. ‘Annapurna Devi will head all your food processing companies, Lord Shankar will help your mineral water bottling companies’ he started rattling and I understood. Yet he continued, ‘Ravana will head Gillette’. ‘Why associate him with Gillette razors?’ I had had to ask. ‘With 10 heads equaling to 20 cheeks to shave daily, he is the best R&D to ensure smooth, fast and close shave’ he said the obvious. Before I could ask when Ravana was classified as God, he turned the topic to the sinister word in the judgement.

‘HINDU God is the only one debarred from Demat, did you notice?’ I now peered with tears of a true hindu in my eyes. The partiality now began to hurt. Noticing that I was equally dumbfounded, He said, ‘This is recognition of our power over the Gods of other religions’ now we were entering a religious war. ‘What to do now?’ He demanded answer from me. As a knee jerk reaction I said, ‘Change your religion.’ Believe me, if there was a guffaw that rebounded from earth to sky and back, this was it. It shook the foundations of our building. ‘Son, do not worry, we shall enter the souls of the Directors and thus have what you call a Benami holding in the company which no mortal soul can prove.’

Petrol De-regulated

How the economy would react to the petroleum decontrol is just like how the public would accept any movie. The first reaction on the share market was so crazy that I lost money by just being there. As I got out from the broker’s office I bumped into my commercial artist friend who usually had a laid back attitude to life but today he was hurried.’ Too busy to share a cuppa?’ I was surprised. ‘The Petrol de-control has increased by business’ he replied. Since he mainly catered to the industry of hospitality I was most confused at the relation between Petrol and restaurant business jump. He cleared my confusion by saying that since he had the reputation of designing menu cards, all the petroleum companies now clamored to him for their menu cards. Now that confused me in another direction. Instead of price list of just two Leaded and unleaded today, you will have so many choices as to have a menu card?

Now he suggested we sit over a cup of tea when he would explain. ‘Since the companies now have freedom to set prices, appointed consultants gave suggestions that once the car enters the Petrol Pump, each driver will be handed a Menu card to permit them to order the correct service.’ ‘You mean to tell me that we shall have more choice than just leaded and unleaded fuel?’ I countered. ‘The consultants like you’ he poked fun at my profession have given ideas to cover the thousands of crores of losses accumulated in the Balance Sheet by a host of value added services.’ I still did not get it so he secretly slid across the table a rough of an intended Menu card.

I looked at the prices and fell off my chair. It looked very much like the menu of Pizza or Burgers. ‘But the honorable minister and his stafftold to expect a marginal rise so I thought it would still be around Rs.60 but here you are showing me Rs. 200 per litre?’ ‘Read the small print’ he hissed. ‘You mean there will be customers paying high price to see an attractive girl filling up petrol in your vehicle instead of a greasy man?’ I was surprised. ‘Wait till your son gets his car and notice the fuel bill jump when he fills up the car’ he warned, indicating that market survey said that college boys would be the first group of customers for this ‘alternative’. He was correct that filling up the car would no longer remain a chore but an even to look forward to! I scanned the other so called value added products and noted the perfumed alternative as sheer rip off. ‘Why?’ was the only word I could mouth. ‘As a strategic consultant you should know better’ he admonished me, ‘all these years they were running into losses amount to Rs. 7600 crores. Now they have to recoup in a hurry and mere increase in prices of end product by Rs. 5 will translate to 110 years for Balance Sheets to be in Black. By quantum jump in rates only, the companies can hope to turn corner in two to three years!’ he lectured me basic business tactics.

‘And there is more in the other departments’ added my friend. ‘What other departments?’ I asked, ‘just washing and servicing or repairs are done so what type of value added can there be?’ My friend lectured, ‘In some countries, the car washing is an exciting profession. Who and how it is washed is important and thus the compensation.’ I held out my hand to accept his poster drawing as I was too dumb to understand. ‘Besides, this will generate employment for women which is what the Government wants due to the skewed girl-boy ratio in this country’ he added lending some credibility to the incredulous idea of service of the new petrol pumps.

Till that moment I was under the genuine belief that deregulation was restricted to price. Now I am certain that in one stroke it also led to deregulation of morality in pursuit of economic recovery of the petroleum companies.

Best of five

When the High Court squashed the Best of five rule for SSC admissions to the 11th, my son was predictably vindicated. Just the day before, he was calculating how much more he would have benefited 3 years earlier when he had passed SSC. If I too starting thinking that, perhaps even my life would have taken a different turn. But today he felt happy and yet sad. ‘I thought you would be happy to learn that the scoring pattern is the same at that of your time.’ It seems that now he was able to see some merit in the best of five. Only difference was that he was not restricting it to the SSC marks. ‘I mean, it should be best of five in all events.’ On cue, he confused me. ‘Huh?’ I asked for elaboration. ‘When I answer four times correctly, and once wrong, I should be given full marks for all five questions.’ Oops, here came the rebound. He continued, ‘even you should not shout at me if four times I drive the new car correctly and the fifth time I dent it just a bit.’ Now he was making me sweat as I visualized the new car looking ugly with his newly acquired driving skill.

My wife overhearing the conversation, now chipped in. ‘Even I will benefit by the best of five’ she announced. ‘Each time we have a party, most of the dishes are superlative. But one dish is perceived as average by most ladies and my whole effort on the 30 course menu is wasted. Best of five rule will certainly make a success of my dinner parties then.’ Hmmm not a bad line of thought. I should mention this to my boss. If one of five projects fails then he should not blow his top as he usually does. We could even improve the employee morale in our office by this rule and who knows, we may even have more success with renewed confidence. This best of five rule seems to have a constructive impact in every sphere.

‘Can we tweak the rule to best of four for my driving since I am a learner?’ my son suddenly woke up to his usual mischief. ‘Next minute you will demand best of three’ I admonished him. I mused, ‘It will be better for the students if the Government were to have the rule of BEST OF ONE’. All of us agreed that each student had his favorite subject in which her performed exceedingly well. ‘And new subjects should be introduced like film appreciation’ quipped my daughter who was noticeably silent till now. ‘Who in his right mind introduce this subject?’ I flared. ‘We are the city of Bollywood and I am sure that all want good cinema to reign. If the audience is sufficiently armed with correct evaluation of good cinema, the Industry will benefit.’ All I knew till then was that the film industry had benefited amply from me through the money spent on the theaters directly and immediately thereafter on dresses designed on basis of the film itself. ‘Cricket could be a separate subject for the boys’ chipped my son to support Best of One rule.

As we turned off the TV showing Mahabharata, someone closed the subject by remarking, ‘It is good that Draupadi did not have to apply the best of five rule.’

Delay

“How can anyone be sued for delay in launch of a product?’ asked my son referring to news of an Indian vehicle manufacturer being sued in US for a long delay in launch of his vehicle. I agreed that his previous model launch was delayed by 3 years and yet no one sued him even though many vendors went bankrupt for having changed their manufacturing set up but starved due to lack of orders due to project delay. ‘I guess US guys have less patience than Indians’ I answered him. ‘Is it the karma theory?’ he asked in real earnest but knocking me off my seat as usual. ‘Karma?’ I asked in puzzlement. ‘Since Indians believe in re-birth, small delays of a year is nothing in perspective of a dozen life times so we do not get irritated’ He explained.

This argument made me muse on our high tolerance. Bridges, roads, dams all infrastructure projects in India had delays by the rule, shooting up cost multifold making a mockery of the tender and budgetary process of the project. ‘There is more than 2 year delay on the mono-rail near our house so should I sue them for not being available during my academic days when I required the most?’ asked my son interrupting my muse on the issue. ‘Ask your lawyer Uncle’ I passed the buck to my lawyer friend who I knew for certain would get a call from my son on the very same day without delay.

Just then my society secretary came in to ask me to sign a cheque as a treasurer. ‘Why the penalty for the municipal corporation?’ I asked hoping to write a logical narration on the voucher. ‘Since we did not clean the tree trimmings from the road in an hour we are fined.’ He explained. ‘But that was only a branch and we cleared it in 80 minutes after our housekeeping staff reported.’ I countered. He shrugged indicating failure of his earnest attempts. As I signed the cheque, I remembered that the previous year, the trimming was done by the corporation and half the road was blocked for 4 days before they themselves cleaned it. I guess the aspect of delay does not matter but WHO does the delay is critical.