Secure your Borrower

I was shivering with nervousness as I punched the phone number on my cell phone. My voice trembled enough to let the receiver of the call know that I was subjected to third degree. My friend the lawyer on the other side said, ‘why is a white collared person reacting like a common criminal? Have you done something for the Economic Offences wing to pick you up?’ ‘No’ I tried to assure him, ‘I am in a Bank trying to get a loan and he is asking me so many details and taking so much assurances that I need your advice.’ Knowing him to be a typical middle class, I braced myself for the inevitable advice. ‘Never borrow so that you can sleep well. If you needed some money to tide over some crisis, you should have asked me.’ ‘Thanks’ I answered him, ‘it is a housing loan for a house in Mumbai and you certainly would not have lent me one crore Rupees.’ ‘Oops’ he stuttered at his folly.

‘What is the precise issue with the Banker?’ asked my lawyer friend. ‘I have to sign lots of papers which I have never heard before.’ I answered. ‘For example, there is a sheet that I have to undertake not to divorce my wife before I settle the loan.’ Hearing this, my friend was audibly startled. ‘I never knew your marriage was in such a state.’ ‘It is not’ I assured him, ‘but they want double assurance of no division in my assets which would be divided under a court order in case of a divorce.’ ‘That is one hell of thinking in advance’ my friend observed as I heard him shuffle some papers or books. ‘Here it is’ he screamed, ‘in the case of Commercial Bank of Rajasthan vs. Mishra & Misra of Rajasthan High Court, when the borrower defaulted, his assets which were adequate at the time of borrowing were not sufficient at the time of settlement as property was divided between him and his wife under court order. The borrower also could not be held for fraud as the property was transferred by a court order. Therefore the Bank wanted to recover from the Court.’ I was appalled. ‘You mean the taxpayer’s money was ultimately used to settle his loan?’ My friend lawyer was shocked at my ignorance of the times, ‘do you mean to say you have not heard of the term ‘BAILOUT’? It was referred so many times when the US Government used taxpayer’s money to bail out Banks, Car companies etc. during the recent recession."

‘I am willing to sign any paper but my wife too has to sign it and she is not willing’ I lamented. ‘What is she saying?’ my friend asked. I quoted her verbatim, ‘Why should I close my options as no-one can predict where any relationship will lead and when any relationship will sour.’ There was silence at the other end as there was no argument to a universal truth.

‘There are more funny papers’ I continued. ‘Take the example of a will that the Banker is forcing me to write in his format. Initially I thought the Banks assumed the loan conditions and installments will give me enough tension to kill me and that is what they expect. The Bank claims that by this paper my survivors will get my property but only after the Bank’s claim is first settled. In this paper I would be also appointing Bank’s department of ‘Executors’ as administrator of my estate and this service will be given to me free!’ Was I now supposed to dance and clap my hands in glee at this free service which was nothing but their insurance to control their claim?

Talking about insurance, they also made me subscribe to a life insurance policy from their own subsidiary UCUC BOMBARD though I had sufficient policies from the good old LIC corporation. Of course the settlement would be made to the Bank is what I had to sign. Along with the policy application was a paper that I had to undertake to not commit suicide since no life insurance claim is settled for suicides. I had paused here but the Banker persisted that to ensure that claim is settled, this paper is a must. Also, as evidence that I was continually of sound mind and not depressed enough to commit suicide, they needed proof for which I had to visit their panel psychiatrist every half year at my cost. Whew. Talk about securing their loan!

After securing my mind and body for their loan as well as my future generation through my will, they still had the gall to shove another paper under my nose. My face turned beetroot red as I read it. It was an undertaking to ensure that I did my job diligently at my place of employment to ensure I was not fired and also did not go wayward in any way to jeopardise my chances of promotion and thus my increment. The universal truth about promotions being politically driven was not considered in this paper. Even my employer who would have best benefitted by such an undertaking had not taken such from me or anyone else. By this time I was so tired that I was willing to sign even a blank paper. ‘Do you think any person purposely would get himself fired?’ I asked the Banker. ‘No; but we know that but some people take the risk which backfires and they land up without a job which makes our loan account a NPA (Non performing Asset).’ It was then that I noted the second para of a single line that in case I wished to change my job voluntarily, I would have to first seek the permission of my Banker.

I was chained and shackled to my Banker just because I took a loan. You must have heard the phrase of persons who make super profits ‘Laugh their way to the Bank.’ Now I think it is time for the other phrase for people who take loans from Banks as ‘Cry & Cry their way from the Bank and thereafter forever.’

Liar Liar

‘Dad you are right all along’ my son blurted one day while reading the newspaper. Such statements from the younger generation sound sweet to our ears as it is admission of our correct opinion by the generation who normally either opposes everything we say or just ignores us. ‘Pray, what is it that I was correct about?’ I inquired. ‘Remember the time you called your lawyer friend a liar? It is not only true but the Supreme Court has admitted he and his profession are such’ my son announced. I regretted commenting such on some minor event where he cancelled my lunch appointment one day fibbing his way out leaving me hungry that day. I picked up the paper to read the formal recognition of the lying profession.

I went to my friend’s office as any person would do to give sympathy when the papers have splashed his scandal. ‘Sorry to read about the beating your industry got due to the comments in today’ I expressed my sympathy to Vakil. ‘All old men get senile and forget what they have learnt but in this case we cannot blame them cause the syllabus of the profession has changed’ Vakil confused me. ‘Are you aware of film Liar Liar?’ he asked. I nodded remembering the film where an American Lawyer cannot lie due to a wish made by his son leading to hilarious situations the prominent being his inability to do his work. Vakil continued, ‘After the popularity of this film, the syllabus committee realized that since it was already unofficially known that Lawyers are liars, we included a subject in the third year on Techniques of successful Lies and deceptive arguments’. I was taken aback, ‘You mean you now teach the students how to fib before they enter the profession?’ ‘Why let a talented few fibbers take away the market?’ Vakil answered, ‘this way we are providing a level playing field.’ All this made my head spin. So I visited a Doctor.

‘What caused your head to spin?" the Doctor asked me. So I filled him in on the news and the textbook on lying. He wrote a prescription and said, ‘Why should you feel strongly about this? It is a new subject introduced by the Education Minister five years ago in all fields.’ I was aghast. ‘Even the medical colleges have it in the last year of graduation’ he said in a manner that was supposed to pacify me but it did far from that. ‘I should not be telling you this’ he said, ‘when we tell you that you have got a viral infection do you really believe I can see with my naked eye what is visible under an electron microscope? It really means that we are not aware what ails you and we hit you with a carpet bombing of anti-biotic; one of which should work’. He was almost gloating.

As my old Professor was now the head of a department in the University, I went to see him. After exchanging pleasantries I asked him, ‘Is it not demeaning to introduce a subject of lying in all faculties from Medical and Engineering to Arts and Commerce?’ Sir leaned back and lectured me, ‘That is not a fair reaction coming from you.’ ‘Sir, you are talking as if I was a strong supporter of lying and deceitful people while I have always tried to be upright. I even tell my wife that her saree is not a good colour when she asks me.’ (I think that is one of the reasons of my stained relations with her) Sir reminded me of a long conversation we had had once ‘Remember the time when you all said that the syllabus should be practical and arm all students for the practical life ahead. This subject is just one of them!’ My jaw dropped as I felt guilty for what I started. ‘You have to take a risk in real life. Even when I asked the class if all understood, did any one of you tell me though none of you had an inkling of what I taught as you.’ I started sweating as he was now including me in the boat full of lying men who I visualized as dirty hungry refugees trying to run away from a serene beautiful country seeking salvation in the neon lighted land of corrupt deceitful people.

‘Can you please update me of how this subject came in officially?’ I asked, hoping that my name was not on the list honouring the advent of this subject. ‘Honourable Education Minister Shri Ardhavat around 6 years ago mooted the discussion and a year later it was official.’ ‘Was he a PhD in Education?’ I asked in awe of such a major step. ‘Not officially’ smiled Sir, ‘he was a school drop out but being a seasoned politician, he knew how to be a good liar well.’ I nodded, ‘All those election promises and manifesto are an exercise of deceit. So I guess any politician is well qualified to introduce this subject.’ ‘Of course our syllabus department had a hard job of devising ways and means to weave it compatibly with the other subjects’ Sir said. I mused, there had to be some departments of education where the subject of lies had no role. As I reeled out each subject, Sir proved with examples how each one of us has to lie. He emphasized that prominent men from each field were co-opted members and they contributed a lot. Leaving aside Doctors, Lawyers and Politicians, I began my list with Sir on the hot new specialisation in demand today.

• Information Technology (Hardware): While selling hardware they have to sell old stock by renaming it by some acronym that sounds latest for example, an old Pentium Mother Board will be renamed as ZXPM8. Since others have not heard it, they may think it is spanking new from under the covers of development and thus, it will sell.



• Information Technology (Software): Fudging man hours of software development for higher billing is such an open joke that in case the claimed man hours were taken to be true, the programmers would be of the average age of 1028 years! In the gaming area, each programmer is told to have a ‘hot’ key that suddenly switched on the screen of some excel sheet so when the Boss suddenly decides to walk around, the screen shows the man working on some spreadsheet and not gaming.



• Hospitality Management: Sir said this was a special contribution from a training video of a famous American fast food outlet. Stuff made with stale ingredients is pushed by the waiters as ‘chef’s special’. In the kitchen, the students are taught how to use low cost ingredients and hide the offending taste. The piping hot samosa’s of today are filled with the left over dishes of yesterday or any day before that!

I requested Sir to stop regaling me on the subjects as I remembered having eaten a samosa offered by Sir along with the tea and now I noted that he had neither drunk the tea nor eaten the samosa. I rushed to the Chemist with the prescription my Doctor had given me. As usual I could not read it but the Chemist could and he went out the back door after asking me to wait. He came back with a small packet. I examined it and found ear plugs which swimmers use. ‘What should I do with these?’ I asked the Chemist. He smiled and said, ‘I am not your Doctor but it says here use when necessary i.e. whenever you feel you are hearing lies.’

Brain Makeover

One does have no choice but to marvel the progress made in all fields but the confusing aspect is when ‘sectors’ overlap. Take the example of beauty salons and surgery. Decades ago, there was no connection. Surgery was purely medical based. Today, the purpose of surgery to remove any abnormality is stretched to define normality not the average but the height of beauty and voila you get ‘cosmetic surgery’. I believe there are beauty competitions in some countries to pick a winner with the ‘best resulted’ ‘surgically altered’ beauty.

Not being a young woman I knew that cosmetic surgery was not on my road of life. I was in for a surprise when I was phoned in the office by a Doctor’s receptionist telling me that due to a cancellation, an earlier appointment was available the very day. ‘I did not even take any appointment’ I complained to her. ‘Your wife booked with us after an hour of history recording and instead of next month, since we have a cancellation and since the Doctor feels you deserve an early appointment please do come at 5’ she answered calmly. I was distraught. I postponed my last appointment for the day and tried to recall what my cholesterol level would be based on what I had eaten on the last 48 hours as if only that time frame mattered.

With high palpitation, I arrived at the building housing Doctors of all sort. While waiting for the elevator, I wondered if I read correctly a ‘Hair clinic’ on the 2nd floor. The address given to me was no frivolous a clinic but that of a brain surgeon. Now I was only 5 heartbeats from a cardiac as the only word flashing in my mind and front of my eyes was ‘Brain Tumor’. It took the patience of an alligator for me to sit still for me to be called in. As I sat there, the poster on the wall di not add much to my knowledge. My brain had frozen in panic I guess. The Doctor ushered me in and asked me all questions about my career as if he was taking my interview for a job I never applied. This confused me. ‘What has my (slow) career path got to do with brain surgery?’ I demanded. ‘Your wife was complaining you are slow in your career so I was checking it out.’ ‘Is that a medical necessity to remove a tumor or something?’ I asked angrily. He sat back in his executive chair and smiled. ‘You may not be aware that historically, whenever brain surgery was done, the patient underwent metamorphism. Like, a salesman became an expert painter, a carpenter became a musician etc. We followed it up with proper research and we now know where to tweak the brain for what talent.’ I was dumbfounded. ‘Let me explain with examples’ he pursued.

‘We had specific requests from the foreign exchange dealers of one Bank to increase the arithmetic processing capability of their staff and in a single day we discharged 5 of their ace dealers who are now earning multiples for their Bank in profits.’ Still seeing my confused face, he continued, ‘New spy recruits were sent to us to improve their hearing and sight. That was a wonderful experience where we teamed up with ophthalmologists to give a 22/20 vision and increased hearing capacity by 500%.’ All of them must be more mad by now I pondered. I told the Doctor to refrain presenting the Discovery channel documentary of conversion of Brain surgery to cosmetic surgery… sorry he called it ‘Functional- electronically enhanced surgery’ or Fun-ees for short. Puffing up his ego, he forced upon me his advertisement as he said, ‘In the olden days, visionaries were born. Today, industrialists who are disappointed with their younger generation send them to us and we make them better industrialists than their fathers’. I had to agree that having used to a lifetime of cushioned comfort and club life, which second generation would bear the heat of Jamnagar to seek site for his factory? Besides their brain must be quite relaxed with whatever narcotics are available today since some of them get caught accidentally especially at the rave parties highlighted by the press. Such brains are far away from visionary ones is something every layperson knows. Now, I was impressed. Where the business management schools failed, Functional- Electronically Enhanced Surgery succeeded! Tomorrow’s Tata and Birla will not be born but ‘tweaked’ by some Fun-ees surgeon and DNA argument can be blasted to oblivion. Wow!

‘What has all this got to do with me? Am I to turn into an artist? I hope my wife knows enough that good artists make money only after their death’ I gave him a piece of my mind. He turned a register and murmured, "hmm’ as if he found some serious ailment. ‘You seem to be content with your station in life’ he said. ‘That is a philosophy I prescribe to avoid frustration’ I answered with a smile. ‘It also prevents you from seeking to travel further’ he said. ‘Are you implying that you will poke something in my brain that will give me ideas to reach further and faster?’ I asked in amazement. ‘Yes’ he replied proudly. ‘Our seniors who developed this technique call it the e-prod’. I shuddered as the only electric prod I knew was battery based and it was used to steer cattle in America by touching it to the livestock’s rear to shock them. If such an item be ever used, should be restricted to externals of the body, but he was suggesting opening my skull and using it on my naked brain! I shuddered and cringed away refusing it. ‘It is not a prod like you may think’ he assured, ‘it is a technique which is an acronym for electronic procedure by radical de-fibrillation.’ Frankly, this did not assure me enough as I was seething in anger that my career growth is now considered not as something I achieved but as something I did not achieve. Such certification coming from a person not educated in the field of Human Resources fueled my anger further.

I had to think of a way to get out off this predicament my wife had put me in. ‘Since you are planning to activate the dissatisfaction feeling in me, can you, in theory, activate the opposite i.e. satisfaction feeling in your patient?’ I asked. He pondered and opened a thick book entitled All you want to know about e-prod. I think the publisher was the same as that of the guidebooks I had used during the school days. He looked up brightly and said with a face that Archimedes must have had when his bath water spilled as he sat in his tub, ‘I will just have to reverse the polarity of the instrument and it can be done; though this will be the first patient in E-PROD history for such a functional corrective surgery’. I was relieved.

‘I have a better suggestion to address this problem of my wife not being satisfied with my career growth’ I told the Doctor. He was all ears. ‘Instead of doing functional enhancement surgery on me, you do it on her to ensure she is satisfied with everything she has. It will me save a lot of money on sarees, jewellery and more important it will improve my life as she would be henceforth satisfied with me and my station in life’. I even paid him the advance and changed the name on patient’s file from Mr. to Mrs. As I reached for the door to exit, I heard the receptionist phone my wife to call her the next day, evoking a great sense of jubilation in me, that I turned this surgeon into a specialist who will be loved by all husbands in the world.

Frankly, only at the time of exit, I understood the other poster in the waiting room and I liked that better.