Brain Makeover

One does have no choice but to marvel the progress made in all fields but the confusing aspect is when ‘sectors’ overlap. Take the example of beauty salons and surgery. Decades ago, there was no connection. Surgery was purely medical based. Today, the purpose of surgery to remove any abnormality is stretched to define normality not the average but the height of beauty and voila you get ‘cosmetic surgery’. I believe there are beauty competitions in some countries to pick a winner with the ‘best resulted’ ‘surgically altered’ beauty.

Not being a young woman I knew that cosmetic surgery was not on my road of life. I was in for a surprise when I was phoned in the office by a Doctor’s receptionist telling me that due to a cancellation, an earlier appointment was available the very day. ‘I did not even take any appointment’ I complained to her. ‘Your wife booked with us after an hour of history recording and instead of next month, since we have a cancellation and since the Doctor feels you deserve an early appointment please do come at 5’ she answered calmly. I was distraught. I postponed my last appointment for the day and tried to recall what my cholesterol level would be based on what I had eaten on the last 48 hours as if only that time frame mattered.

With high palpitation, I arrived at the building housing Doctors of all sort. While waiting for the elevator, I wondered if I read correctly a ‘Hair clinic’ on the 2nd floor. The address given to me was no frivolous a clinic but that of a brain surgeon. Now I was only 5 heartbeats from a cardiac as the only word flashing in my mind and front of my eyes was ‘Brain Tumor’. It took the patience of an alligator for me to sit still for me to be called in. As I sat there, the poster on the wall di not add much to my knowledge. My brain had frozen in panic I guess. The Doctor ushered me in and asked me all questions about my career as if he was taking my interview for a job I never applied. This confused me. ‘What has my (slow) career path got to do with brain surgery?’ I demanded. ‘Your wife was complaining you are slow in your career so I was checking it out.’ ‘Is that a medical necessity to remove a tumor or something?’ I asked angrily. He sat back in his executive chair and smiled. ‘You may not be aware that historically, whenever brain surgery was done, the patient underwent metamorphism. Like, a salesman became an expert painter, a carpenter became a musician etc. We followed it up with proper research and we now know where to tweak the brain for what talent.’ I was dumbfounded. ‘Let me explain with examples’ he pursued.

‘We had specific requests from the foreign exchange dealers of one Bank to increase the arithmetic processing capability of their staff and in a single day we discharged 5 of their ace dealers who are now earning multiples for their Bank in profits.’ Still seeing my confused face, he continued, ‘New spy recruits were sent to us to improve their hearing and sight. That was a wonderful experience where we teamed up with ophthalmologists to give a 22/20 vision and increased hearing capacity by 500%.’ All of them must be more mad by now I pondered. I told the Doctor to refrain presenting the Discovery channel documentary of conversion of Brain surgery to cosmetic surgery… sorry he called it ‘Functional- electronically enhanced surgery’ or Fun-ees for short. Puffing up his ego, he forced upon me his advertisement as he said, ‘In the olden days, visionaries were born. Today, industrialists who are disappointed with their younger generation send them to us and we make them better industrialists than their fathers’. I had to agree that having used to a lifetime of cushioned comfort and club life, which second generation would bear the heat of Jamnagar to seek site for his factory? Besides their brain must be quite relaxed with whatever narcotics are available today since some of them get caught accidentally especially at the rave parties highlighted by the press. Such brains are far away from visionary ones is something every layperson knows. Now, I was impressed. Where the business management schools failed, Functional- Electronically Enhanced Surgery succeeded! Tomorrow’s Tata and Birla will not be born but ‘tweaked’ by some Fun-ees surgeon and DNA argument can be blasted to oblivion. Wow!

‘What has all this got to do with me? Am I to turn into an artist? I hope my wife knows enough that good artists make money only after their death’ I gave him a piece of my mind. He turned a register and murmured, "hmm’ as if he found some serious ailment. ‘You seem to be content with your station in life’ he said. ‘That is a philosophy I prescribe to avoid frustration’ I answered with a smile. ‘It also prevents you from seeking to travel further’ he said. ‘Are you implying that you will poke something in my brain that will give me ideas to reach further and faster?’ I asked in amazement. ‘Yes’ he replied proudly. ‘Our seniors who developed this technique call it the e-prod’. I shuddered as the only electric prod I knew was battery based and it was used to steer cattle in America by touching it to the livestock’s rear to shock them. If such an item be ever used, should be restricted to externals of the body, but he was suggesting opening my skull and using it on my naked brain! I shuddered and cringed away refusing it. ‘It is not a prod like you may think’ he assured, ‘it is a technique which is an acronym for electronic procedure by radical de-fibrillation.’ Frankly, this did not assure me enough as I was seething in anger that my career growth is now considered not as something I achieved but as something I did not achieve. Such certification coming from a person not educated in the field of Human Resources fueled my anger further.

I had to think of a way to get out off this predicament my wife had put me in. ‘Since you are planning to activate the dissatisfaction feeling in me, can you, in theory, activate the opposite i.e. satisfaction feeling in your patient?’ I asked. He pondered and opened a thick book entitled All you want to know about e-prod. I think the publisher was the same as that of the guidebooks I had used during the school days. He looked up brightly and said with a face that Archimedes must have had when his bath water spilled as he sat in his tub, ‘I will just have to reverse the polarity of the instrument and it can be done; though this will be the first patient in E-PROD history for such a functional corrective surgery’. I was relieved.

‘I have a better suggestion to address this problem of my wife not being satisfied with my career growth’ I told the Doctor. He was all ears. ‘Instead of doing functional enhancement surgery on me, you do it on her to ensure she is satisfied with everything she has. It will me save a lot of money on sarees, jewellery and more important it will improve my life as she would be henceforth satisfied with me and my station in life’. I even paid him the advance and changed the name on patient’s file from Mr. to Mrs. As I reached for the door to exit, I heard the receptionist phone my wife to call her the next day, evoking a great sense of jubilation in me, that I turned this surgeon into a specialist who will be loved by all husbands in the world.

Frankly, only at the time of exit, I understood the other poster in the waiting room and I liked that better.