Liar Liar

‘Dad you are right all along’ my son blurted one day while reading the newspaper. Such statements from the younger generation sound sweet to our ears as it is admission of our correct opinion by the generation who normally either opposes everything we say or just ignores us. ‘Pray, what is it that I was correct about?’ I inquired. ‘Remember the time you called your lawyer friend a liar? It is not only true but the Supreme Court has admitted he and his profession are such’ my son announced. I regretted commenting such on some minor event where he cancelled my lunch appointment one day fibbing his way out leaving me hungry that day. I picked up the paper to read the formal recognition of the lying profession.

I went to my friend’s office as any person would do to give sympathy when the papers have splashed his scandal. ‘Sorry to read about the beating your industry got due to the comments in today’ I expressed my sympathy to Vakil. ‘All old men get senile and forget what they have learnt but in this case we cannot blame them cause the syllabus of the profession has changed’ Vakil confused me. ‘Are you aware of film Liar Liar?’ he asked. I nodded remembering the film where an American Lawyer cannot lie due to a wish made by his son leading to hilarious situations the prominent being his inability to do his work. Vakil continued, ‘After the popularity of this film, the syllabus committee realized that since it was already unofficially known that Lawyers are liars, we included a subject in the third year on Techniques of successful Lies and deceptive arguments’. I was taken aback, ‘You mean you now teach the students how to fib before they enter the profession?’ ‘Why let a talented few fibbers take away the market?’ Vakil answered, ‘this way we are providing a level playing field.’ All this made my head spin. So I visited a Doctor.

‘What caused your head to spin?" the Doctor asked me. So I filled him in on the news and the textbook on lying. He wrote a prescription and said, ‘Why should you feel strongly about this? It is a new subject introduced by the Education Minister five years ago in all fields.’ I was aghast. ‘Even the medical colleges have it in the last year of graduation’ he said in a manner that was supposed to pacify me but it did far from that. ‘I should not be telling you this’ he said, ‘when we tell you that you have got a viral infection do you really believe I can see with my naked eye what is visible under an electron microscope? It really means that we are not aware what ails you and we hit you with a carpet bombing of anti-biotic; one of which should work’. He was almost gloating.

As my old Professor was now the head of a department in the University, I went to see him. After exchanging pleasantries I asked him, ‘Is it not demeaning to introduce a subject of lying in all faculties from Medical and Engineering to Arts and Commerce?’ Sir leaned back and lectured me, ‘That is not a fair reaction coming from you.’ ‘Sir, you are talking as if I was a strong supporter of lying and deceitful people while I have always tried to be upright. I even tell my wife that her saree is not a good colour when she asks me.’ (I think that is one of the reasons of my stained relations with her) Sir reminded me of a long conversation we had had once ‘Remember the time when you all said that the syllabus should be practical and arm all students for the practical life ahead. This subject is just one of them!’ My jaw dropped as I felt guilty for what I started. ‘You have to take a risk in real life. Even when I asked the class if all understood, did any one of you tell me though none of you had an inkling of what I taught as you.’ I started sweating as he was now including me in the boat full of lying men who I visualized as dirty hungry refugees trying to run away from a serene beautiful country seeking salvation in the neon lighted land of corrupt deceitful people.

‘Can you please update me of how this subject came in officially?’ I asked, hoping that my name was not on the list honouring the advent of this subject. ‘Honourable Education Minister Shri Ardhavat around 6 years ago mooted the discussion and a year later it was official.’ ‘Was he a PhD in Education?’ I asked in awe of such a major step. ‘Not officially’ smiled Sir, ‘he was a school drop out but being a seasoned politician, he knew how to be a good liar well.’ I nodded, ‘All those election promises and manifesto are an exercise of deceit. So I guess any politician is well qualified to introduce this subject.’ ‘Of course our syllabus department had a hard job of devising ways and means to weave it compatibly with the other subjects’ Sir said. I mused, there had to be some departments of education where the subject of lies had no role. As I reeled out each subject, Sir proved with examples how each one of us has to lie. He emphasized that prominent men from each field were co-opted members and they contributed a lot. Leaving aside Doctors, Lawyers and Politicians, I began my list with Sir on the hot new specialisation in demand today.

• Information Technology (Hardware): While selling hardware they have to sell old stock by renaming it by some acronym that sounds latest for example, an old Pentium Mother Board will be renamed as ZXPM8. Since others have not heard it, they may think it is spanking new from under the covers of development and thus, it will sell.



• Information Technology (Software): Fudging man hours of software development for higher billing is such an open joke that in case the claimed man hours were taken to be true, the programmers would be of the average age of 1028 years! In the gaming area, each programmer is told to have a ‘hot’ key that suddenly switched on the screen of some excel sheet so when the Boss suddenly decides to walk around, the screen shows the man working on some spreadsheet and not gaming.



• Hospitality Management: Sir said this was a special contribution from a training video of a famous American fast food outlet. Stuff made with stale ingredients is pushed by the waiters as ‘chef’s special’. In the kitchen, the students are taught how to use low cost ingredients and hide the offending taste. The piping hot samosa’s of today are filled with the left over dishes of yesterday or any day before that!

I requested Sir to stop regaling me on the subjects as I remembered having eaten a samosa offered by Sir along with the tea and now I noted that he had neither drunk the tea nor eaten the samosa. I rushed to the Chemist with the prescription my Doctor had given me. As usual I could not read it but the Chemist could and he went out the back door after asking me to wait. He came back with a small packet. I examined it and found ear plugs which swimmers use. ‘What should I do with these?’ I asked the Chemist. He smiled and said, ‘I am not your Doctor but it says here use when necessary i.e. whenever you feel you are hearing lies.’