DIN of Numbers

‘One more number!’ wailed most of my clients as they reacted to the news of DIN number required by the Income Tax Office. ‘I already have a DIN number’, said one client who was a Director obviously referring to the ‘Directors Identification Number’ required under the Companies Act. Since all were either agitated with the extra number or confused whether the DIN number under other Acts can be the same for Income Tax, and since it was one hell of a DIN, I decided to visit the Income Tax Public relations office.

When my turn came after a long wait, I too started wailing like my clients, ‘We are still coming to grips with the PAN (Permanent Account Number) now needed for various transactions. In fact one of my client did not permit his son to get married (arranged marriage) until the girl had a valid PAN number. I not yet sure whether this is a requirement of the Registrar of Marriages or whether it was part of his strategy of Income Tax maneuvering! After this, we had a drill of child birth where the parent first took a birth certificate and before even going home to show anyone, the parent applied for a PAN number for the child. Only then does he rest and celebrate the birth of his offspring.

‘Roll number in school and college which changed every year was a mess itself for us’ I complained to the PRO. ‘Situations got out of hand when sometimes the professors went on strike after exams and we were promoted to the upper class, the later declared results were under our old roll number. Many joyous whoops at the notice board were replaced by sobs later. ‘Now what will happen if we receive refund under our PAN Number and immediately a demand notice due to scrutiny under DIN number?’ I asked this point blank. The PRO laughed and said, ‘You had this situation under PAN number itself and no extra DIN number is required to make such an anomaly’. ‘I guess not’ I admitted knowing that now things might get even complex.

‘Could you not have managed just with PAN number?’ I asked meekly. ‘Higher ups’ he replied pointing to the ceiling as if Delhi was on the upper floor. ‘We hired consultants like you and one of their suggestions was a number to locate your file fast.’ He tried to give me an inside story. So I gave him one of mine, ‘It is an open secret that given the right incentive, your peons can find files faster than the SEARCH option in windows!’ ‘Could you not just manage with the PAN number?’ I had to ask. His reply was well tutored reflecting a special seminar held for the IT PROs. ‘PAN number is also used for many other purposes as well as known to all. DIN Number is for internal consumption. So, one is external while the other is internal’ pat came the well rehearsed reply.

‘We are also expecting a citizen card and thus another number over there also’ I complained. ‘That is by the Home Ministry and not the Finance Department’ he shoved a bureaucratic reply up my nose. I then quoted a Sholay dialogue, ‘How many numbers, and ONE man? Not fair.’ ‘I also have membership number of the Institute, Flat Number, Address Pin code number, cell phone which is now in 10 digits….’ I just could not stop counting.

The PRO then said, ‘Why don’t you take a week to digest this reality and come next week on the 29th.’ Wow he calculated exact 7 days is what I wondered and on that evening closing time of office I realized that it was the day my wife annually celebrated her birthday. With all the numbers jostling for space in my head, I plump forgot her birthday which is a heinous crime for any husband to commit.

Convict of use

‘ When commercial BPO employees were found to have perpetuated fraud in the past despite the best security measures, what will be expectation of a BPO run from a Jail?’ asked my son reading the day’s news. I too could not avoid smiling at the irony of the practices of KYE (Know your employee) where other companies made sure their employees did not have criminal records. When the BPO was run by a jail, the qualification to be an employee itself would be to be in jail. How then will they twist the standards of KYE?

The administration issues of such an operation will be quite different from that of known enterprises. What the Jail Administration will have to face is ‘oversupply’ of labour as all Indian jails are known to be overcrowded. Next, the computers will require appropriate clean air conditioned environment. To have a floor without rats and cockroaches running is a luxury for the inmates and since the computer area will be perhaps not only be clean but also carpeted, it will seem like fantasy for most and they will definitely jostle to be appointed to be working there. Since the computer programmers as well as BPO employees are known to have casual dress as the norm, I am sure Mr. Raju will recommend that and the operators will climb out of their uniforms to something more casual!

Those with insomnia due to rats running over them in their sleep can find haven doing the night shift. The cost of dropping home, the BPO staffers will be saved, as the operators will just have to ‘stroll’ over to their work zone that too, under heavy security.

If the ‘experiment’ is a success (and there is no reason why it should not) perhaps all Jail PBOs will do more business than commercial ones. Soon, even the Police will have less work as persons committing a crime no matter how petty, will walk in the nearest police station to confess. It would later transpire that the crime is just an excuse to get into jail to do some BPO work instead of remaining unemployed outside. Very soon, the police stations will be dubbed as BPO Employment centres.

Very soon, the graduation class will have atleast one orientation day for the students to learn how to commit a crime sufficient enough to gain entry into jail an act which should be supported by some bumbling lawyer.

All this should logically make the tax burden higher but in the long run, these jails will make so much money that our taxes will be lowered.

When one BPO exercise tastes success, the Jail authorities will think of a way to employ better, the blue collared criminals. Since the BPO has a Bank as the first customer (see news) a Bank will also be the first customer for the blue collared inmates – to collect overdues. It is naturally more effective when a known criminal gang calls up a defaulting borrower who will sweat just hearing the name and knowing rest of the gang members are still outside the jail.

Consultancy firms will have a field day advising various jails of which best commercial service model they should use. I am sure they will develop more than blue and white collared category and we shall see reference to purple collared too as a reference to with their hand in the till. Here is where my musing stops with the picture of guilty persons of Common Wealth Games. When the dirty dozen are jailed, what commercial activities are they suitable for? Jail Olympics? If so, then surely the high jump will not feature there because during practice, inmates will surely jump over the wall of the jail itself.

Question of Allowances

‘Every time you do accounts, it gives me tension’ declared my son. ‘For a person who is a Chartered Accountant, doing accounts related work is part of the profession so you will have quite a tension to live my son’ I explained to him the bare fact. ‘I am worried how much I will have to earn once I start, ….. to pay you back’ he wailed. Surprised at his narrow interpretation of my fatherhood, I opened my mouth to lecture him that I was not his moneylender each time I spent on his college and textbooks when he pointed at the news item where a son repaid his father for expenses incurred for rearing him. ‘It is just a tax avoidance action which you may have failed to read that such a tactic was disallowed’ I dismissed. However, he made the comment of studied insight, ‘This allowance may have been rejected, but it will spawn numerous more attempts and some will have to eventually pass the strict interpretation of Income Tax authorities.’ I had to admit, that statistically speaking, some of the fired salvos of the future would penetrate the defenses. That made me muse on the possible allowances and approach to devising allowances as expenditure.

* Meritorious allowance (for going beyond the call of duty): Normally given to certain personal secretaries, also given to understudy or apprentices following the footsteps of Monica Lewenski.

* Married man’s bachelor allowance: Definitely to be given to those married men who are sent away from their homes for more than a week on official work. This allowance is meant to be spent on cost of compensation paid to third party for work normally done by the absent spouse.
* Top Management Tension reduction allowance: It is well known that the top management of all companies takes the risk of decisions. This creates tension and to unwind, they have to go beyond the country club and golf course. Visits to exotic countries and nightclubs with liters of alcohol to soothe the nerves are the intension of such allowances, thus enabling them to carry on the good work for the benefit of the company.

* Honesty allowance: This allowance is to make a level playing field in certain administrative departments especially of the Government where certain postings have no potential of ‘extra’ earnings. Since honesty is enforced by the posting itself, such an allowance will keep the employee happy and no official would mind being posted from the airport to any other area as the allowance shall compensate!

Obsession About codes

‘Are we progressing or regressing?’ my son asked interrupting my study of the Direct Tax code news printed in the front page of the newspaper. ‘For more than 50 years we had a decent name for the Income Tax – ACT which is another word for a statute’ he opened his topic of query. I was thankful that he was not directing my thoughts from the main topic of the day and next few days. ‘What precisely ails you?’ I asked now knowing how deep I was to go. ‘Does not code mean that it has to be de-coded before understanding?’ he asked. ‘Humm’ I pondered, ‘I suppose you are right because all our emailed encrypted or coded files have to be de-crypted to be read by the receiver, so that is the standard procedure.’ ‘Then why is a statute called a code?’ he asked in all innocence. My knee jerk reaction perhaps painted the truth as I replied, ‘For all these years, all of us-Accountants and Lawyers were busy trying to interpret the Act by fighting our opinion in the Tribunal of Income Tax or Courts. So perhaps the Lawmakers decided to recognize that the ir communication is in fact a code!’ I quickly looked around to see if anyone was listening, as I realized only after the words were out of my mouth, what they actually implied.

That made me muse about where else the word code could be aptly applied.

Divine Demat

The month of July is always busy for us Chartered Accountants so it was no surprise to find us working late in the office. I just completed e-filing a return which had failed 3 times for some reasons and went through with lot of prayer. ‘Got a second for me, my son?’ a voice asked in such a volume that I thought it was coming from inside my head. I looked at the dark side of the room and saw an old man standing. Since he identified himself to be God, quite some time was spent to prove that to me that it was not just a surname.

Assuming my time had come to leave this world as any CA would hope for-with his boots on, after filing all the client’s returns, I thanked him for a good life on earth. He smiled, ‘Son, your duty on earth is unfinished so I cannot yet take you in.’ I did not understand so he pointed to the news paper on the desk which proclaimed High Court’s order of debarring Demat account for Hindu Gods. ‘I am a mere mortal while you have greater powers than me.’ ‘You forget my son that in every Hindu Soul lies a God and you have umpteen stories from your grandfather when you were young’ he reminded me. He complained that for centuries, they owned property on earth much beyond the temples that housed them. Their land was tilled and poor were given food to eat. He regaled me on the antique jewellery owned by them to the 20th Century India where even the Gods paid wealth tax!

‘Tell me as a CA, if we are handed PAN Numbers, why not the Demat?’ he asked. I read from the news report, ‘A judge here said that you may not have the acumen to manage a Demat account’ I almost choked as I read it. ‘You think demat was your invention? Who put that idea in your head in the first place? He demanded and I could not agree more. ‘What I think is the fear of Directorship’ He speculated. ‘Huh?’ I was confused. ‘Son, with shares of greater numbers comes seat of Directorship and no matter how talented your mortal Directors are, including the technical Directors, our suggestions will be the only ones that will be accepted because of their success.’ I agreed because only the Gods would know the future. He continued, ‘So if two brothers are fighting over their corporate kingdom, we shall ensure that one is banished to the forest for 14 years while the other continues his reign in peace till his turn comes to live in the forest.’ That will take out the excitement of the Indian Corporate Board is the only thought in my head. ‘Besides, we have specialized Gods who will lead corporate to their new heights of success’ he tried to fill my head with arguments in their favour. ‘Annapurna Devi will head all your food processing companies, Lord Shankar will help your mineral water bottling companies’ he started rattling and I understood. Yet he continued, ‘Ravana will head Gillette’. ‘Why associate him with Gillette razors?’ I had had to ask. ‘With 10 heads equaling to 20 cheeks to shave daily, he is the best R&D to ensure smooth, fast and close shave’ he said the obvious. Before I could ask when Ravana was classified as God, he turned the topic to the sinister word in the judgement.

‘HINDU God is the only one debarred from Demat, did you notice?’ I now peered with tears of a true hindu in my eyes. The partiality now began to hurt. Noticing that I was equally dumbfounded, He said, ‘This is recognition of our power over the Gods of other religions’ now we were entering a religious war. ‘What to do now?’ He demanded answer from me. As a knee jerk reaction I said, ‘Change your religion.’ Believe me, if there was a guffaw that rebounded from earth to sky and back, this was it. It shook the foundations of our building. ‘Son, do not worry, we shall enter the souls of the Directors and thus have what you call a Benami holding in the company which no mortal soul can prove.’

Petrol De-regulated

How the economy would react to the petroleum decontrol is just like how the public would accept any movie. The first reaction on the share market was so crazy that I lost money by just being there. As I got out from the broker’s office I bumped into my commercial artist friend who usually had a laid back attitude to life but today he was hurried.’ Too busy to share a cuppa?’ I was surprised. ‘The Petrol de-control has increased by business’ he replied. Since he mainly catered to the industry of hospitality I was most confused at the relation between Petrol and restaurant business jump. He cleared my confusion by saying that since he had the reputation of designing menu cards, all the petroleum companies now clamored to him for their menu cards. Now that confused me in another direction. Instead of price list of just two Leaded and unleaded today, you will have so many choices as to have a menu card?

Now he suggested we sit over a cup of tea when he would explain. ‘Since the companies now have freedom to set prices, appointed consultants gave suggestions that once the car enters the Petrol Pump, each driver will be handed a Menu card to permit them to order the correct service.’ ‘You mean to tell me that we shall have more choice than just leaded and unleaded fuel?’ I countered. ‘The consultants like you’ he poked fun at my profession have given ideas to cover the thousands of crores of losses accumulated in the Balance Sheet by a host of value added services.’ I still did not get it so he secretly slid across the table a rough of an intended Menu card.

I looked at the prices and fell off my chair. It looked very much like the menu of Pizza or Burgers. ‘But the honorable minister and his stafftold to expect a marginal rise so I thought it would still be around Rs.60 but here you are showing me Rs. 200 per litre?’ ‘Read the small print’ he hissed. ‘You mean there will be customers paying high price to see an attractive girl filling up petrol in your vehicle instead of a greasy man?’ I was surprised. ‘Wait till your son gets his car and notice the fuel bill jump when he fills up the car’ he warned, indicating that market survey said that college boys would be the first group of customers for this ‘alternative’. He was correct that filling up the car would no longer remain a chore but an even to look forward to! I scanned the other so called value added products and noted the perfumed alternative as sheer rip off. ‘Why?’ was the only word I could mouth. ‘As a strategic consultant you should know better’ he admonished me, ‘all these years they were running into losses amount to Rs. 7600 crores. Now they have to recoup in a hurry and mere increase in prices of end product by Rs. 5 will translate to 110 years for Balance Sheets to be in Black. By quantum jump in rates only, the companies can hope to turn corner in two to three years!’ he lectured me basic business tactics.

‘And there is more in the other departments’ added my friend. ‘What other departments?’ I asked, ‘just washing and servicing or repairs are done so what type of value added can there be?’ My friend lectured, ‘In some countries, the car washing is an exciting profession. Who and how it is washed is important and thus the compensation.’ I held out my hand to accept his poster drawing as I was too dumb to understand. ‘Besides, this will generate employment for women which is what the Government wants due to the skewed girl-boy ratio in this country’ he added lending some credibility to the incredulous idea of service of the new petrol pumps.

Till that moment I was under the genuine belief that deregulation was restricted to price. Now I am certain that in one stroke it also led to deregulation of morality in pursuit of economic recovery of the petroleum companies.

Best of five

When the High Court squashed the Best of five rule for SSC admissions to the 11th, my son was predictably vindicated. Just the day before, he was calculating how much more he would have benefited 3 years earlier when he had passed SSC. If I too starting thinking that, perhaps even my life would have taken a different turn. But today he felt happy and yet sad. ‘I thought you would be happy to learn that the scoring pattern is the same at that of your time.’ It seems that now he was able to see some merit in the best of five. Only difference was that he was not restricting it to the SSC marks. ‘I mean, it should be best of five in all events.’ On cue, he confused me. ‘Huh?’ I asked for elaboration. ‘When I answer four times correctly, and once wrong, I should be given full marks for all five questions.’ Oops, here came the rebound. He continued, ‘even you should not shout at me if four times I drive the new car correctly and the fifth time I dent it just a bit.’ Now he was making me sweat as I visualized the new car looking ugly with his newly acquired driving skill.

My wife overhearing the conversation, now chipped in. ‘Even I will benefit by the best of five’ she announced. ‘Each time we have a party, most of the dishes are superlative. But one dish is perceived as average by most ladies and my whole effort on the 30 course menu is wasted. Best of five rule will certainly make a success of my dinner parties then.’ Hmmm not a bad line of thought. I should mention this to my boss. If one of five projects fails then he should not blow his top as he usually does. We could even improve the employee morale in our office by this rule and who knows, we may even have more success with renewed confidence. This best of five rule seems to have a constructive impact in every sphere.

‘Can we tweak the rule to best of four for my driving since I am a learner?’ my son suddenly woke up to his usual mischief. ‘Next minute you will demand best of three’ I admonished him. I mused, ‘It will be better for the students if the Government were to have the rule of BEST OF ONE’. All of us agreed that each student had his favorite subject in which her performed exceedingly well. ‘And new subjects should be introduced like film appreciation’ quipped my daughter who was noticeably silent till now. ‘Who in his right mind introduce this subject?’ I flared. ‘We are the city of Bollywood and I am sure that all want good cinema to reign. If the audience is sufficiently armed with correct evaluation of good cinema, the Industry will benefit.’ All I knew till then was that the film industry had benefited amply from me through the money spent on the theaters directly and immediately thereafter on dresses designed on basis of the film itself. ‘Cricket could be a separate subject for the boys’ chipped my son to support Best of One rule.

As we turned off the TV showing Mahabharata, someone closed the subject by remarking, ‘It is good that Draupadi did not have to apply the best of five rule.’

Delay

“How can anyone be sued for delay in launch of a product?’ asked my son referring to news of an Indian vehicle manufacturer being sued in US for a long delay in launch of his vehicle. I agreed that his previous model launch was delayed by 3 years and yet no one sued him even though many vendors went bankrupt for having changed their manufacturing set up but starved due to lack of orders due to project delay. ‘I guess US guys have less patience than Indians’ I answered him. ‘Is it the karma theory?’ he asked in real earnest but knocking me off my seat as usual. ‘Karma?’ I asked in puzzlement. ‘Since Indians believe in re-birth, small delays of a year is nothing in perspective of a dozen life times so we do not get irritated’ He explained.

This argument made me muse on our high tolerance. Bridges, roads, dams all infrastructure projects in India had delays by the rule, shooting up cost multifold making a mockery of the tender and budgetary process of the project. ‘There is more than 2 year delay on the mono-rail near our house so should I sue them for not being available during my academic days when I required the most?’ asked my son interrupting my muse on the issue. ‘Ask your lawyer Uncle’ I passed the buck to my lawyer friend who I knew for certain would get a call from my son on the very same day without delay.

Just then my society secretary came in to ask me to sign a cheque as a treasurer. ‘Why the penalty for the municipal corporation?’ I asked hoping to write a logical narration on the voucher. ‘Since we did not clean the tree trimmings from the road in an hour we are fined.’ He explained. ‘But that was only a branch and we cleared it in 80 minutes after our housekeeping staff reported.’ I countered. He shrugged indicating failure of his earnest attempts. As I signed the cheque, I remembered that the previous year, the trimming was done by the corporation and half the road was blocked for 4 days before they themselves cleaned it. I guess the aspect of delay does not matter but WHO does the delay is critical.

Who is not an artist?

Every country had a reputation for its citizens. Germans were known for their engineering prowess. Swiss for their timekeeping machines. Even later, Japan joined with their expertise in Cameras and Cars. An ancient country like India had no such positive quality associated with its citizens. UNTIL NOW.

A curious case of Income Tax which would have otherwise be read only by Income Tax practitioners as their duty to update their knowledge is likely to turn India into a LAND OF ARTISTS (legally recognized). Income earned abroad by Indian Residents would not be taxed if they were artists. Perhaps the origin of this section would be the honorable intention to expose Indian culture abroad via various artists of music and dance. Bollywood artists were the first ones to exploit this section by doing shows abroad and bringing in truckloads of tax free income.

When the decision of the court acknowledging a fashion designer to be an artist hit the newspapers, my phone did not stop ringing. Every person from any profession was seeking my opinion on how to project themselves as artists. All they wanted was to skip to the nearest country and bring back tax free income. I took all the calls for about 4 hours and then set down to jot the strategy of ‘artistry in each and every profession.’

Just then a Banker called demanding strategy for the same. I laughed, ‘Borrow at a certain rate and lend at a higher rate is the strategy of any Banker. How does that make you an artist?’ He said he would send me the title of their text books all of this somehow read similarly as THE ART AND SCIENCE OF BANKING.’ Now I guess there is art in everything we do!

Cheque your Spelling

How an honest intention can mess up your life can be easily seen from any organisation that has bureaucracy a mile long. The first call I received was from an account of my client inquiring what new account head to be opened in case of charges by the Bank for return of cheques. ‘Silly man, don’t you have Bank Charges account?’ I sometimes wondered if lack of intelligence was the qualification my clients searched for their administrative personnel. But he hit me with a circular that proved perhaps lack of my own vigilance. ‘So what if this is a new reason, keep the same account’ I answered a bit irritably. ‘But sir, almost alternate of our cheques are corrected with the due signature and boss says that in future, such should be recovered from the staff so I thought that it would be better to opened Cheque error account per employee in charge of writing cheques.’ I did my mental maths of his 5 to 8 such clerks and found logic in his plan. ‘But sir, I have a problem’ he continued and I groaned. ‘We have to now make a procedure to note who has written which cheque cause the cheques may be presented after a few days when they may be so rejected.’ Now that was one planner thinking ahead.

‘Instead of this round about, why doesn’t the person signing ensure the cheque is error free?’ I came up with what I thought was a winning answer stark in its simplicity. He gave such an answer that proved I was not having good memory. ‘But sir, you are aware that boss makes his trips for the company and he pre-signs the cheques before he goes and approves the bills via email’.

The federation of Industry and commerce were the next who invited me on the same issue. They handed me a 300 page survey done by a psychologist hired by them. ‘Summarise’ I barked. The secretary of the federation stammered, ‘The results showed that after warning the writers of the cheques of the consequence of even one error, the subjects started making 4 errors on every cheque compared to one in hundred previously.’ I nodded reminding him that it was like asking a person to think of any colour except the colour red. Only the banned will flash in his mind. ‘Human nature’ I answered asking them to accept humans as they were unless they were Gods.

On my way out, I got a call on my cell phone from my software friends who wanted a strategy meeting. What I had to do with their strategy I wondered. They said, ‘since the federation survey showed errors in cheques, they were coding stand alone as well as linked to accounts cheque writing modules for sale at prices that even the grocer can afford. Was this is a good idea is what they wanted me to tell. I agreed to send them a report of my evaluation provided they paid my fees by direct Bank transfer.

Excuse of a Party

‘I did not know that excuses we made in school to avoid strenuous exercises during physical training would also be useful later after we grew up’ said my son in genuine bewilderment. Peering from my newspaper mentioning comments of the Indian captain for his loss in the match I joined in his amused conclusion. ‘At least our excuses sounded prima facie genuine’ he complained perhaps projecting himself and his generation as experts in excuse creation. ‘You found the logic of late parties telling on the body strength as unconvincing?’ I asked in amazement. ‘When you are part of IPL and Party is your middle name, how can you blame parties?’ I nodded; understanding that the sponsors would like the players to meet their influentials like bottlers and other influential people to promote their business in return for the bushels of notes they pour in the sponsorship. ‘No.. no..’ my son shook his head in disagreement. ‘Party is their middle name isn’t it?’ As usual he confused me, so he elaborated. ‘Doesn’t everyone know IPL stands for Incessant Party Lover?”

That ignited my muse of the mind on excuses that people make to explain their failure which is not convincing prima facie.

Excuse for losing chess game – ‘I was playing with the wrong colour of pieces’.

Excuse for a jockey to lose a race – ‘The shoe was lose; not the horses, mine which made me fidget in my seat.’
Excuse of a famous golfer to lose a tournament- ‘My swinging lifestyle took a toll on my club swing’.

That is enough of sportspersons. Let us see unconvincing excuses in corporate life.

Excuse by CEO for dismal performance – ‘Two building in US fell down and so did our order book even though we are in domestic market and not international.’

Excuse by Marketing manager on his inability to expand the market ‘We were so busy planning and strategizing that time just flew and competitors breezed past us.’

Excuse by a party caterer/ Event Organiser – ‘We were so busy attending parties that we did not realize that we made bumper profits’. Now this party excuse is perhaps made to Income Tax officer on why they did not pay advance tax.

Pay 2 Sell

Two of my students from Management college accosted me in the corridor of the college with a newspaper folded at a news of a joint venture gone sour. I smiled at the juvenile attempt to butter me up by showing they took to heart my advice to scan news for the subject of amalgamation, mergers and takeovers which was the subject handed to me as a visiting faculty. ‘Not just to impress you sir’ spoke Sunil, ‘But to appraise you what we stumbled onto’. Ushering them to an empty classroom, Sunil showed me extracts of the joint venture which had the standard clause of equal sharing of profits and losses. Then he calculated the shares owned by the outgoing co-venturer. The carried forward loss of the joint venture was so high that the capital was completely eroded. Then came the punch line ‘Sir, if the capital is negative, will the seller have to pay the receiver of the shares when he exits the company?’ I swear my arteries froze cold as I had no explanation for this unique situation where the seller will have to pay!

Bidding for time, I reached deep into my memory to search for parallel situations where the seller would have to pay instead of receiving money. There are such rare cases. I was shocked to realize that I had myself paid to sell – my old fiat car. It was in running condition but the new Korean-Japanese models flooded the market and no-one wanted to buy a second hand fiat which once was selling more than the showroom price. So I had to pay the scrap dealer to take the car away.

The Indian social custom/structure of wedding especially in the north is very similar. To make your daughter go to her in-laws place, you have to bribe the in-laws to take her away with dance and song. I believe it is called dowry. Though frown upon and declared illegal, the economics of the situation is perhaps stronger.

Then there was a situation where we paid indirectly to cart away unwanted from our office – our egomaniac boss. We hijacked his profile from the computer and spread it over HR firms and paid them to offer him a lucrative job. Only with his departure could we breathe and actually do something constructive instead of just feeding his ego.

E-error

‘What is the use of making you file my return when I have to see such outrageous demands !’ screamed an exasperated client in our Chartered Accountant’s office. ‘I imagine you must have made some junior calculate my tax and you signed without looking’ he continued. I signaled for water and held out my hand to receive the paper he was waving like an enemy flag. It was an ordinary demand notice which normally sets off the panic button of the clients but routine for us. But looking at the newly designed computer print instead of scribbled handwriting on a printed sheet, even I jumped to my feet as I read the demanded figure. ‘See?’ said the client sipping the cold water. Now I gulped down a glass. ‘Must be computer error’ I mumbled. ‘The tax calculated by them works out in 14 digits my dear man’ scolded my client. ‘But your 3 year turnover also does not add up to the tax amount itself’ I countered.

The Income tax matter was just the tip of the iceberg. The office where the return was filed said that this was sent Centrally. It was at the other end of the city and I spend half a day to reach there. They in turn said that they merely housed the computers and printers. In case of any error discussion I must go to their Computer Planning and Implementation cell which again was in a third area far away. ‘How can such a preposterous error occur here” I asked the PR at the computer cell when I finally reached the place. ‘With 14 decimal point accuracy of the chip, one does not expect this’ I continued. Now, the hitherto crestfallen face brightened up as if he had found the answer. ‘See, the demand also is in 14 digits. The computer is doing its technical duty well.’ After meeting half a dozen of their staff we concluded a programming error but I could not talk to the programmer cause it was contracted out and the programmer was sitting in his private office and not the premises of Income tax. I believe that is what they call ‘outsourcing’.

Just then my cell phone rang and my office staff was screaming for my help as if riots had broken in my office. ‘Lost of people here including your wife!’ whispered our receptionist. My wife was seated inside perhaps as a demand of her conjugal right. ‘After all these years of marriage I see this?’ she too waved a paper in front of me. ‘If it is an Income Tax notice do not worry , something wrong with the computers’ I said easing myself in my chair. But the paper she flung was not from Income Tax but a well known pathologist. As I picked it up she made her dramatic announcement ‘You are pregnant’. I started sweating trying to remember which seminar I had attended when I must have strayed …. but wait a minute, I was a male and males do not get pregnant. This report was part of my annual checkup. I called up the Doctor and he said it was a computer error. Perhaps the data of patient before me was mixed up with mine. I swore never to go to any annual check up and die early perhaps but atleast without such a scandal.

As my wife left, my outside office started sending the mob members one by one. This one looked like a Government official. ‘Please ask your Doctor to be careful in filing certificates since we have yet to received one from him’ he said. I laughed, ‘you want a certificate from him that I am pregnant?’ He made an apology of a giggle and dropped his bomb, ‘No – that you have died seven days ago.’ No sound came from my open mouth so he introduced himself and the issue. ‘I am from the registrar of Births and Deaths. Our computerized system threw up your name as one which was not supported by a Doctor’s certificate’. ‘But..’ I countered, ‘you are here talking to me.’ ‘Computers cannot be wrong’ is one of the statements you wrote in a press article in the 90’s when you were alive’ he started talking to me in the past tense now. ‘How can I be dead when alive?’ I mused loudly. Then it hit me. Somehow the flag against some names in the computer database must have been activated to ‘dead’ due to some error. ‘Check when you have last re-indexed your database’ I recommended him to come back after this exercise was done.

Before the next person came in, my landline jingled. My Banker was on the phone and was asking if I wanted to covert the huge balance in my savings account to a time deposit. ‘Huge Balance?’ I was puzzled as I monitored my balances well because there was so little to monitor. ‘You have 2 deposits of 50 lacs over the past 4 days’ he replied icily. One crore in my account? I had half a mind to withdraw it all before they realized they had erroneously deposited here and rectified their mistake. As if reading my mind, the Banker continued, ‘We have studied it and noted it is no error on our part. It is an ECS (Electronic Clearing System) deposit from your Life Insurance company.’ ‘Huh?’ My policies were due to mature for next 20 years. I picked up the other phone to dial my insurance agent while I put the Banker on hold. My agent clicked some keys on his computer and came up with the winning answer. ‘Since our computers have registered you dead, we have paid the policy amount to your wife. Perhaps the account is jointly operated by you.’ ‘But on what basis have you arrived at the conclusion that I am dead?’ I asked. ‘Since last month, we are linked to the computer of Register of Births and Deaths to obviate any bogus death certificates and in interest of customer service; we do not wait for claims.’
Now I appreciate the phrase of silver lining to clouds. My silver lining was cool one crore in the account. Only problem now that I was dead, I would not be able to sign any cheques to use the money once the Banker came to know my status. Just my luck. The silver lining was just a sliver.

Cue to Queue

When my boss interrupted my 120 second lunch, I knew it was a bad omen. ‘Why do you think this cash rich organization is resorting to such measured?’ he asked indicating to the charge proposed for queue jumping by a temple trust run by the Government. ‘Perhaps because it is no longer cash rich and due to the downturn in the economy, maybe the hundi collections have gone down despite the footfalls being the same.’ I made sure I always threw in latest management jargons as he often complained I was too old for my job. ‘We too are affected by the downturn in the economy so, investigate how this idea can be adopted to our company’ he uttered as he waved me out off his cabin.

I sat at my desk wondering how a company like ours which was in a highly competitive field of light engineering can apply this idea. As I kept hitting a brick wall, I thought it best to investigate from the source and find how this all started. I called up an old colleague in the Legislative assembly and asked whose brain child it was. He laughed and told me that I would not believe that it was the brainchild of the peon of the honorable minister. ’Huh?’ is all I could respond. It seems the minister’s peon was fired for accepting cash to jump queue of the visitors to meet the minister. There is where the minister got the idea. Still refusing to believe that a lowly peon was the inventor of the VIP darshan fee, I decided to check up history.

Meeting the King

We have often heard of persons seeking audience of the any King to bear gifts. What one never heard was the number of gifts scattered on the way for the benefit of the influential ones like the guards at the town gate, the palace guards etc. The ultimate is the gift to the King as if it is the price paid to him for his ears for the specified period of time. If the first citizen of the kingdom was this corrupt, what can one expect from the lowly subjects?

Ubiquitous Queues in India

Till the present day, the queues are everywhere in India. The ration shop. The lone pipe in the hutment colony. The admission into schools and colleges. On the romantic front, the most attractive girls also has a queue of boys. To jump the queue the one with the biggest diamond as a gift gets her date on valentine’s day! Promotion queues are common in every office. Each senior seat has 500 aspirants. And all of them thought getting in the company was the only queue they had to beat. In each of these cases, there are the imaginative and non-patient few who device methods to jump the queue. The Air traffic Controller of every airport is alleged to benefit a few airlines. The cost of fuel burning waiting for take off is really high cost for the airlines. While this queue jumping is intended for profit, the other queues of soup kitchens is to pacify a growling stomach where acids are poured by the glands merely due to the smell of the soup!

No queue here

I wondered if there was absence of queue anywhere. Though there are scattered few examples, none the less, these examples exist. I was always blessing my forefathers for the surname to start low down when there were oral (verbal) examinations in the school. The methodology of the teacher would be revealed by the ones who had finished first while I was nicely in the last 5 of the class. It gave time for last minute revision. Here, no-one in his right mind would want to jump the queue!

However, there is one solitary case where when one reaches the head of the queue, one prefers to give way to the person behind. This is no reflection of any chivalry but a selfish act. This is the place where you are standing in queue to the door of death. Here is where no-one wants to jump the queue forward; but would gladly jump the queue backwards.

Taxing Attitude

The person who conjures up names for taxes may not be the same person who designs new taxes is a definite conclusion since it would be rare to find a living person with dual lobotomy. That was my line of thought when my son had asked, ‘Are taxes named after the source of the tax or the area funded by the tax?’ Wow. He had analysed it more than I had, perhaps being of the age where the pinch of Income tax, Wealth Tax or even sales tax did not overcome all other analytical senses of the harried taxpayer. Frankly, India rarely named their taxed under any logic other than the source of the tax…. like Income Tax, Sales Tax, Excise etc. Not sparing even the dead, it restrained from calling it the death tax or inheritance tax in which case, it would clearly offend the already grieving relatives, but named it the Estate Tax. We had however a recent ‘Education Cess’ which implied the field of beneficiary which after a year of operation revealed non funding of education.

‘Why is an attitude taxed in US now?’ my son messed up my foregone conclusions. ‘Perhaps, the Banks paid bonus to their Managers despite taking a bailout package from the US Taxpayers which is not a responsible act.’ I summarized. ‘Then it is more appropriate to call it the IRRESPONSIBILITY TAX’ he remarked.

This innocuous observation startled me into the realization that while commercial transactions were hitherto subject to taxation, now, attitudes are subject to taxation. The ball is set rolling by a person none less in stature than the President of United States! When USA does something, it has a far reaching impact all over the world not sparing even India where it is common to denote currency in millions and not just in crores. Perhaps some old fines and penalties may be also renamed even in India as we attempt emulation of USA. Indian tax penalties may perhaps be named as Evasion fee or Concealment fee or dishonest reporting fee? ‘What scares me is the imagination of the taxing authority’. I muttered. In India, cricket is being considered as entertainment just for the levy of additional tax. After the initiation of Responsibility Tax in USA, our legislators will have a free hand and even have new taxes and formats of calculation. They need not hide their fetish needs behind the garb of an established tax. How wild the imagination will run cannot be predicted but we can certainly forecast the definite ones.

Name of the tax: Eye Refreshment Tax

If cricket is entertainment then the Cheerleaders are certainly not sport. Since watching them is a pleasure to most men, watching them should be taxed. This is expected to be calculated as a percentage of payment to the cricket cheerleaders. The number of inches exposed above the knee, or below the neck, will be the basis of the tax. The higher the distance of the start of the uniform from the knee or neck, (slab per centimeter) the higher will be the tax.

Name of the tax: CO2 Tax (also dubbed as alive and breathing tax)

This will be the first tax to be introduced by the Ministry of environment in this century. To be levied per nose. Penalty for contributing to the carbon dioxide of the atmosphere by merely breathing out the Carbon Dioxide. Rates will be highest in metros and none in villages as it is assumed that only farmers live there and since agriculture is never taxed, so, this shall not extend to the villages. The rest of the world is expected to be ‘gasping’ at the innovative spirit of India to contain the Green House effect.

Name of the tax: Aloof witness fine

While some countries are making it compulsory for witnesses to a crime to aid the victim, we shall make that a money spinner instead. All witnesses will pay a token fine for not involving themselves to save the victim. Exempt categories will be the Police and Cabinet ministers. Since Police always arrive last on the scene as depicted in the Hindi movies, it is assumed they are not witness to any incident. Cabinet ministers are busy running (the country) and therefore cannot stop to aid any individual. Rates will vary with the extent of injury with the highest if the victim dies. A ready reckoner will be published each year with the Financial Budget.

Name of the tax: Nil Findings Fine. (also dubbed as Honesty fine)

A survey of the Income Tax and Customs department revealed that 80% of the surveys and raids resulted in nothing unearthed officially. The high cost of such survey/raid had to be borne by the department and thus the citizens till date. Being unfair, the appointed foreign management consultancy firm suggested expenses be recovered from the surveyed/raided person itself. So, in case you are under survey and nothing is found due to your honesty and good housekeeping, a daily charge will be levied. Rates for raids will be 10 times the survey rates since a larger team is mobilized and transport cost is additionally incurred by the Department.

After all the taxes and fines, if you are able to survive, I am sure someone will develop a ‘survival surprise tax’ since it would surprise the authorities how you were able to find money for survival after paying such taxes and fines. Trust me, this is not far from reality because once the corporate tried using every legal angle to save tax and the authorities came up with Minimum Alternate Tax. Since we are working to earn and pay all these taxes, I do not think any one of us should display any resistance since we are earning for the Government anyway.